The story

Looking back I see that I have not posted exactly the story that happened one that June 12th....And although it may not need to be written out I want to share my story.  I am sorry it is so long, and if you finish it to the end I hope you see God in my heart and my story.


It was a beautiful morning, nothing different from any other, really. Branson woke up at 5am, nursed, played and I slept for a bit more while he spent some time with Cody. Then it was time to get up and get ready for work. Get myself and all three kids ready for the day. I was leaving work early that day around 11:45 beause we had to be in McKinney at 1 to have Stetson's cast removed from when he had broken his arm a month earlier. I got the kids dropped off about 8:30, I gave the older kids a hug and kiss then I kissed Branson while he was still in his carseat and I told the baby sitter he would probably be hungry soon. Then off to work I went. I don't remember much about work, but I remember rushing to get it all done so I could leave on time. It was 11:55 before I left, 10 min after I wanted to leave. I grabbed some food and drove to get the kids. I sat in the car eating what I could and singing along to the radio. About 12:25 I got a call from the sitter. I expected it to be her asking when I would be there bc I was kinda already a little late. I clearly remember the conversation that we had at first I just heard her breathing hard and my heart started to beat a little faster " BRITNI" "What?" Something is wrong with Branson?" "Ok, whats wrong?" " He's not breathing, I think he threw up!" "WHAT?! CALL 911!" " I DID, They are here." The paramedic then asked to speak to me and began asking me questions about if there was any medical issues and so many other things that I don't even know what all it could have been. She told me to pull over and quit driving ( I refused) We hung up and I flew as fast as I could to get there. I don't remember any of the car ride. When I was about 5 min away she called again and told me that they were transferring him to the hospital. I turned around to go to the hospital and meet them there. I thought ok transferring...its gotta mean they have something fixed..right?! I had tried to call Cody as soon as I got off the phone with the paramedics the first time and he didn't answer so I tried again and he didn't answer again. I was in a panic. I called my mom and she didn't answer and I just thought "REALLY WHY IS NO ONE ANSWERING?!" So I called my dad because I knew he as off work that day and he answered and he was with my mom and after telling them what was going on they were on their way. I tried again to call Cody and  finally I heard his voice and thats when I started panicking. I tried to tell him what was going on but he couldn't understand me so I tried again but he still wasn't catching on. So at this point I just said "Something is wrong with Branson. He isn't breathing. They are taking him to Lakepointe hospital. Come now!" He was on his way too. I called others like my best friend and my co workers, I had a coworker pray with me on the phone and I was praying the whole way..begging God to not let it be true! I beat the ambulance to the hospital. When I got to the ER I told them my 9 month old was being transferred in...they knew exactly what was happenening...they took me straight to the room they had prepared. I sat there and the RN spoke to me and the chaplin came in..I saw the look they gave each other and knew it meant what my gut had been telling me from the moment I got the call. It was too late, I knew thats what the look meant and I felt sick. They finally arrived and I saw them carry his limp little body in to the room and I froze... I felt like I was watching myself from above. I just sat and prayed out loud " God please no, please help him, please God please" over and over I rocked in my chair and prayed and prayed. The chaplin prayed with me...I wanted to scream. I remember them talking about what they were going to do, all the meds and machines they were trying to use to get his heart beating again. The doctor started walking towards me and I told him no! to let me wait for someone else to get there to decide what to do..he said there was no deciding..it was all they could do. He was gone. I fell out of my chair onto my knees on the cold tile floor and screamed " NOOOOO!!!" and started crying. The nurse grabbed me as I fell and helped me back up to my chair. I only cried for a few minutes. Then the shock set in I think. They asked if I wanted to hold him, I tried to walk to his bed, but couldn't even stand up. I was still alone. No one else had arrived yet. I felt helpless. So they wrapped him up and brought him to me. He was so cold and stiff. I unwrapped his little body and looked at everything that was still attached and just touched everything on his body. I wanted to remember what he looked like, every little detail. From a freckle to a bruise I wanted it in my memory. Then My mom walked in...I looked at her and she looked at me, then at him in my arms. I said " He's gone" she cried..I think, maybe not, that is a blur. I know she was determined to be a rock. A few min later Cody ran in and I looked at him and he looked and Branson and I said " He's gone" and we started crying together. Cody hit his knees. I could see the pain in his eyes.  His time of death was around 1:45. They had worked on him for over an hour. The next few hours kind of stood still. They finally allowed my dad and sister to come in and see him. I went to the waiting room to thank all the people who had come to wait and pray with us. Nothing more could be done but I wanted to thank them for dropping everything and coming to the hospital in the middle of a Tuesday. It was more than I could have asked for. Others did things such as pick up my other children and get carseats. Things just kinda happened. We were allowed to hold him until the ambulance came to transfer his body to the Medical Examiners office. It was a few hours, it was nice to just be with him, but I just kept waiting for him to breath again and the nightmare to be over. I just stared at him and waited for him to all the sudden wake up. They finally arrived and we had to hand him over to the men that would be taking him. I didn't want to let go but I did. I was stiff and  felt like I was in another world. We then had to drive home to our other children and try to figure out what to say to them. As soon as I walked in the door at the house Stetson runs up to me and says "Hey mom guess what Branson was sick so they took him to the hospital and I am ready to go see him can we go see him now?" I was without words I just stared at him and said I knew and that we would talk about it soon. The story goes on from here, but it took me days to write this part as I kept having to stop. 

I did however want to mention a few times during this whole story where I felt God 110% and I knew he was there! Immediately when I received the call from the sitter I felt this presence. It is hard to explain, but I knew God was guiding me through it all. When my co-worker prayed on the phone with me...I felt him holding me and my heart. When I was holding Branson for those hours after they had pronounced his time of death I kept hearing in my head over and over the song "It Is Well" in my head. It was on repeat and it was calming for me. God was speaking straight to my heart at that time. And although I hated everything about that day I knew it would all be ok and God was there in the midst of my pain. I again want to thank those that are praying today and that have been praying for the past two years. I have only survived with God on my side and will only survive with him in my future. 

Two years closer, but still not close enough

This Thursday June 12, 2014 it will mark two years since my sweet third child returned home to his heavenly father. The pain is just the same as if it happened yesterday. My memories of him have holes. They are so real yet can feel so faint all at the same time. I vividly remember the last night I put him to sleep. That is a blessing. He was snuggled up to me and his fingers intertwined in my hair as he drifted off to dream land. I held him a little longer that night. No particular reason than it just felt so nice to be sitting there with him in my arms breathing in and out steadily. He felt so warm against me and I just didn't feel like getting up and ending that moment so I laid there with him for about an hr before laying him down in his bed for the night. I can remember how it felt to hold him and what he looked like and his sweet smell. That is a good perfect memory. The next time I truly held him like I did that night was at the funeral home to say goodbye. He was cold and his scent was gone and he wasn't there...it wasn't him, just his body. I know he is waiting for me in heaven and what a joyous day that will be, when I can see him and feel him and know that he is with me. My heart will be happy.

Everyday for the past two years has been a struggle. Some days are easier than others, but everyday is a battle to get up and get going. To know my family will never feel 100% complete. But every single day I find a new meaning and purpose for this pain. Ok that is a lie it may not be every single day, but it is far more than you'd expect. God is working in my heart and in my soul. The future is bright. just right now there are still many days of storms and clouds. But on those days where the sun peaks out of my soul I can see the amazing purpose behind this pain...behind Branson and his short 9 month life here on earth.

As you go about your way this week if you remember could you kindly send up a prayer for my family and I. We truly miss him and as the day our lives forever changed approaches we feel the pain a little more, it is a little more raw and our spirit is a little bit weaker as we try to find our way past that day. Thanks for your support.

Hope Mommies, There is Hope

It is hard to put into words what I feel right now. To say I was blessed to be able to attend the Hope Mommies retreat is an understatement. It was an amazing experience and so fulfilling for my heart and soul.

I have things happening in my life not exactly related to our loss, but what I was able to see this weekend was how God comes to you where you are at and provides for you what you need. He did not just provide for me my needs for my grief and loss, but also for the other major life changes I am experiencing. What an amazing, powerful God we have that he comes to us instead of expecting us to go to him. He loves us wholly and tenderly and he spent the weekend holding all of us as we poured our hurts out and he was able to place a small stitch in our gaping wounds. It is very healing to be in a room of people who understand your pain. There is no awkwardness about asking the "what is your story" question or "tell me about your baby" or even the simple question that can cause so much pain out in the open world "how many kids do you have?" the next question is inevitably "how old are they?" which turns into a huge mess...that opens a wound every single time. There so many things throughout a regular day that can me heartbreaking for a grieving mother. This experience helps you know that these heartbreaking moments are normal...you are normal! It is an amazing feeling...we are not alone!

There was an image one of the leaders placed out the first night that was amazing. She said as she was praying she saw an image of God up in heaven gathering all out little ones together in his lap and saying "look my children your mommies are down there looking to me, worshipping me and talking about you" In that moment I knew it was true. Our babies were together watching us heal and share our stories about them. They are with God and know about what an amazing God he is. What a glorious day that was in heaven. They saw us reaching up to your one true Father for guidance in our grief and pain. They were so happy I just know they were.

The worship was amazing, the friendships were amazing and the love was amazing. I am counting down the days to next years retreat.

If you know someone that would like more info or has recently lost a baby we also have Hope boxes. These are boxes of items that can help a grieving mother heal. Email, message or call me if you want more information about this amazing ministry.

britnibrannon@gmail.com

19 months

I guess time gets so warped in my mind I can't fathom that it has been that long since I held my baby boy. My memories are fading, I hate that. I see him in my dreams but its not the same. This second year of grief has been harder for me that the first year. Maybe I was in shock or it was all to overwhelming to completely process. But Since the one year anniversary has passed I feel my heart hurting more...I feel more lost. I still constantly try to count four kids....I count one, two, three and look around for another when my mind realizes that there is not  another to look for and then I ache. I ache for the good memories that I cling to, I ache for the memories I was unable to make and I ache most for the bad memories of the day he left me. I know his spirit was free and I can see how happy and glowing he is today and for that I am thankful. It still feels so surreal at times. I think "Did this really happen?" and " I didn't think something so bad would ever happen to me!"

Lately my heart seems to draw back to that heart aching moment when I threw my self on the cold hospital floor and screamed,  too weak to stand. That moment when the doctor ,who I hated more than anyone else in the world in that moment, told me they had done all they could. It is a moment that is so dark when I think of it I can feel the darkness closing in and the pain so deep, I feel my heart drop to my stomach and I want to puke. I want to hurl everything up and out of me so far out into the world that all the darkness and sadness is gone. But it sits deep in my heart and my body and it lives there. It lives there  day in and day out. For the past 19 months I have had to learn how to live with this darkness deep in the pit of my belly. Learning to carry on with the pain in tow. I still learn everyday how to do this, its a work in progress. So excuse me while I feel like some days are a blurry mess and I stagger through it all.

To say my relationship with God is the same would be lie ( I would say it is so much better!), I've yelled and cried and begged him to change it all, I know he has been there comforting me through it all. He has really been tugging on my heart to be more in The Word and find scripture that will not only comfort me, but provide me with a purpose for why things happen as they do. A friend shared a retreat with me, and I actually thing another friend shared it with me last year, but I was not ready, or in a place to attend. This year I have been looking into it for months and wanted to attend so badly, but it was so expensive and I just didn't know how I would find a way. I just kept praying to God that if he really wanted me to go to help provide the way for me. As of yesterday he has placed stepping stones in my life to provide me the opportunity to go to this retreat for mommies who have lost their heart with a baby who is in heaven. I am beyond excited to attend, and I am already in prayer for the things that will happen there. God has something he will show me there and I can see it will be amazing. So if you are able and willing, pray that God shows me something amazing at this retreat that will help guide me to more healing and more purpose. Thanks to you all and love to you all!

What I remember

This article was posted today and as I read it I started crying.  What I took from it was not that you should always go to the funeral, because I get that that isn't always possible. But the part that really struck me and hit home with me was that ...the small inconveniences are what are remembered.  I closed my eyes and my mind flew back to the day of and the days immediately following Branson's death. Tears fell from my eyes as I remembered the emotions I felt, but also the overwhelming love I felt just from others actions.

In the moments immediately following Branson's death, even up to today. I remember not everyone that attended the funeral...but I remember those things that people did not because they HAD to but because they WANTED to. I had friends from high school that I hadn't seen in 9 years that attended his funeral and college friends that I hadn't seen in 3 or more years that attended his funeral. Who does that?! Who WANTS to come to the funeral for a 9 month old...That's the thing...they didn't want to come, they came for me. I remember that. I remember the massive amount of people that brought us food and just basic everyday items so we could function without having to think....I remember my MOM's friend from high school coming to MY house to clean before the funeral and My best friend from child hood drove 6 hours just to be with me for like 36 hours and she wasn't even able to attend the funeral. She came for me. My other best friend came in the many weeks that followed to just make sure we were ok. A group of friends of mine from all over put their money together to buy Cody and I jewelry to remember Branson. People mailed us stuff and messaged us and checked on us.  THAT is what I remember. Those things that were truly inconveniences for someone else...that is what my mind see's when I think back to those awful days. 

As time has passed people have done less and I get that, I truly do. But in that moment when someone goes out of their way to say that awkward thing, ask that awkward question or just do something to let me know Branson is still in there heart...that is engraved in my heart forever. I know I've said it a million times and I probably say it a million more...but I just want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. You'll never know what it all has meant to me. And please don't think that because I didn't mention something specifically in this blog that I don't remember. The thing is so many people did so many things that I could not ever name them all...but I remember.. I do.

Not ready, but must prepare

Yes its been awhile.  Honestly things have just been to overwhelming for me to post.

I can't trace back to where I last left off but I can start from where my mind sits now.  On March 13, 2013 Branson was gone from this earth exactly as long as he was here.  9 months and 1 day. Gone.  How can that be...how can he be gone as long as he was here.  It seems like only yesterday my world was shattered.  As of today he's been gone almost 10 months ( it will be 10 months on Friday).  This week has already been hard for me...I'm not sure what it is but I've started crying looking at pictures hanging on the wall multiple times.  I see them every day...yet for some reason when I see them this week I can literally feel him in my arms again and I can feel him being ripped away. My heart feels shattered all over again and I fall to the ground in tears.  I miss him so much it hurts.  I know I say that constantly and I wish I could explain but I ache from missing him.  I feel a pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart that can never be filled...no matter how much I eat or how much I try to fill that hole with love it is still a gaping hole! I miss his smile.  I miss his slobber. I miss his chill attitude towards his siblings. I miss nursing him. I miss waking up at 3 am with him. I miss having three kids.  I hate walking around pregnant and people saying "oh three now huh...you're gonna be busy." I WANNA BE BUSY! or  they say "Is it a boy or girl? oh so you'll have two boys and a girl then huh?!" NO I WILL HAVE THREE BOYS AND A GIRL! But I can't yell at them...this pain is not theirs to carry...so I just smile and move on as quickly as I can.

I am now about 8 weeks away from my due date.  It's coming so fast.  I am so over being pregnant and so ready for this baby to be here...but I also know the due date is close to Branson's one year death date and the more I wish away my pregnancy the closer I get to a day I am not ready to deal with.  1 year is too much...I know it will come and I will have to face it and I will survive it...But I don't want to.  So here I sit almost 32 weeks pregnant wishing for the baby to be here, but not for it to have been a year since I lost my sweet baby boy.

I've struggled lately with alot of things...But I've felt God very near to me and I know if not for him I would not be able to stand most days. He gets me up and out the door and helps me function through every moment of every day. I am exhausted by the end of the day, physically and emotionally...and I so look forward to just falling into bed and feeling God wrap his arms around me and dreaming of my sweet boy giving me a kiss on my cheek as I  doze off to sleep.

What I ask of all of you is prayers to make it through not only the next 8 wks of this pregnancy, but through the one year anniversary of Branson being returned to his heavenly Father.  I know he is safe and happy, but I miss him and yearn to feel his skin against mine again. Thank you to any and all that pray this for me.

This time of year

Anyone who knows me...I mean truly knows me, knows that the Holidays (especially Christmas) is my favorite time of year.  The decorating, the happiness, the smiles from my kids, just the whole atmosphere of Christmas is so magical to me and I countdown the days to it every year! I have sooo many traditions and I enjoy every single one! I love the smells, the food and I can't wait to get my Christmas tree up and celebrate my family and the real reason for the season, Jesus.  And although I'm still focusing on Jesus and I walk with him daily, because without him I may not be able to get out of bed..I am still having a very hard time getting into the spirit of the season.  I keep trying and everytime I try my heart feels like it is bleeding and it physically aches.  It just won't be Christmas to me this year.  It won't be joyous.  I could buy my kids all the toys in the world and give them everything they have ever asked for and their smiles would brighten my day, but the whole season is a struggle to just survive.  I hate that I have to have Thanksgiving and Christmas without my baby.  I hate that I can't buy him his Christmas pjs or buy him gifts to go under the tree.  Everything reminds me of him, every Christmas tradition my family has, has him molded into it and now he isn't here so how can the mold be complete.  It just can't and it won't be.  We will still celebrate and it will be a great year...but it hurts.  Every minute of every day hurts without him here.  It's December 4th and my tree is still not up
(usually I want it up before thanksgiving!) and my heart just isn't in it...I want and need so badly to get the decor up, if for no one else than at least for my kids.  I wake up everyday knowing its the Holidays, but not feeling it at all.  I know its not what those that are gone want for us, but I can't help my pain. many times I imagine who he would be today.  His little almost 15 month old self would be walking and getting into things.  I see Stetson and Kinlee play and my mind pictures him there..and I wonder how he would be playing with them...what would he be saying...what would bring him the most joy about Christmas?  I still imagine myself with three kids. I'm definitely trying to get in the mood for my babies to enjoy this once a year magical joy...and many times I just fake it because they won't notice the difference. There is definitely a dark hole over my Christmas...praying I survive...hoping he continues to show me the little signs that he is still around and watching.  The little sun rainbows or a random butterfly.  He's here, just not it the way I want him or imagined he would be.