What I remember

This article was posted today and as I read it I started crying.  What I took from it was not that you should always go to the funeral, because I get that that isn't always possible. But the part that really struck me and hit home with me was that ...the small inconveniences are what are remembered.  I closed my eyes and my mind flew back to the day of and the days immediately following Branson's death. Tears fell from my eyes as I remembered the emotions I felt, but also the overwhelming love I felt just from others actions.

In the moments immediately following Branson's death, even up to today. I remember not everyone that attended the funeral...but I remember those things that people did not because they HAD to but because they WANTED to. I had friends from high school that I hadn't seen in 9 years that attended his funeral and college friends that I hadn't seen in 3 or more years that attended his funeral. Who does that?! Who WANTS to come to the funeral for a 9 month old...That's the thing...they didn't want to come, they came for me. I remember that. I remember the massive amount of people that brought us food and just basic everyday items so we could function without having to think....I remember my MOM's friend from high school coming to MY house to clean before the funeral and My best friend from child hood drove 6 hours just to be with me for like 36 hours and she wasn't even able to attend the funeral. She came for me. My other best friend came in the many weeks that followed to just make sure we were ok. A group of friends of mine from all over put their money together to buy Cody and I jewelry to remember Branson. People mailed us stuff and messaged us and checked on us.  THAT is what I remember. Those things that were truly inconveniences for someone else...that is what my mind see's when I think back to those awful days. 

As time has passed people have done less and I get that, I truly do. But in that moment when someone goes out of their way to say that awkward thing, ask that awkward question or just do something to let me know Branson is still in there heart...that is engraved in my heart forever. I know I've said it a million times and I probably say it a million more...but I just want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. You'll never know what it all has meant to me. And please don't think that because I didn't mention something specifically in this blog that I don't remember. The thing is so many people did so many things that I could not ever name them all...but I remember.. I do.

Not ready, but must prepare

Yes its been awhile.  Honestly things have just been to overwhelming for me to post.

I can't trace back to where I last left off but I can start from where my mind sits now.  On March 13, 2013 Branson was gone from this earth exactly as long as he was here.  9 months and 1 day. Gone.  How can that be...how can he be gone as long as he was here.  It seems like only yesterday my world was shattered.  As of today he's been gone almost 10 months ( it will be 10 months on Friday).  This week has already been hard for me...I'm not sure what it is but I've started crying looking at pictures hanging on the wall multiple times.  I see them every day...yet for some reason when I see them this week I can literally feel him in my arms again and I can feel him being ripped away. My heart feels shattered all over again and I fall to the ground in tears.  I miss him so much it hurts.  I know I say that constantly and I wish I could explain but I ache from missing him.  I feel a pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart that can never be filled...no matter how much I eat or how much I try to fill that hole with love it is still a gaping hole! I miss his smile.  I miss his slobber. I miss his chill attitude towards his siblings. I miss nursing him. I miss waking up at 3 am with him. I miss having three kids.  I hate walking around pregnant and people saying "oh three now huh...you're gonna be busy." I WANNA BE BUSY! or  they say "Is it a boy or girl? oh so you'll have two boys and a girl then huh?!" NO I WILL HAVE THREE BOYS AND A GIRL! But I can't yell at them...this pain is not theirs to carry...so I just smile and move on as quickly as I can.

I am now about 8 weeks away from my due date.  It's coming so fast.  I am so over being pregnant and so ready for this baby to be here...but I also know the due date is close to Branson's one year death date and the more I wish away my pregnancy the closer I get to a day I am not ready to deal with.  1 year is too much...I know it will come and I will have to face it and I will survive it...But I don't want to.  So here I sit almost 32 weeks pregnant wishing for the baby to be here, but not for it to have been a year since I lost my sweet baby boy.

I've struggled lately with alot of things...But I've felt God very near to me and I know if not for him I would not be able to stand most days. He gets me up and out the door and helps me function through every moment of every day. I am exhausted by the end of the day, physically and emotionally...and I so look forward to just falling into bed and feeling God wrap his arms around me and dreaming of my sweet boy giving me a kiss on my cheek as I  doze off to sleep.

What I ask of all of you is prayers to make it through not only the next 8 wks of this pregnancy, but through the one year anniversary of Branson being returned to his heavenly Father.  I know he is safe and happy, but I miss him and yearn to feel his skin against mine again. Thank you to any and all that pray this for me.