one week

Its been a week....

Some moments it seems a million years ago and others it seems like only yesterday.  How can this earth carry on without him here....where has the joy gone that he once carried...Sometimes I feel that joy in my heart, like he is placing it there, other times I feel as if it has been ripped from my very being. OH GOD WHY....

Since his passing a few people have reached out to me about how his passing has changed their lives in either a small way, or a large way.  It definitely helps the pain to see his death having changed others life.  He was an angel sent to earth to changes lives...why was I so blessed to have him, I don't know....but I'm thankful everyday to have had him..

No sleep for the weary

Sleep eludes me... No tears, Just memories. I'm exhausted, but sleep does not come. Never imagined a pain so sharp, so abrupt. Where will I go next, what happens next... How do I move on? I have two sweet babies right here on earth to mold and they need me, but ohhh I wish they knew how I needed them. They are the reason I can get out of bed, they are the reason I can smile today, or laugh tomorrow. It hurts that they must carry such a heavy burden... To carry me. That they must know such sadness. Stetson asks me once a day to tell him what happened to Branson again, such a young age to fathom this sadness. We try to say something we remember about Branson every day and how it makes us smile. My reason for carrying on... I know God has been preparing us, I'm sure for a long time he has been preparing us for this very day and time in our lives. But I feel so unprepared for this, I was blindsided it seems. I've begged God for a reason... You'll see in time he says. I've begged him to bring him back... I can't my child he says. I've begged to take his place... It's not your time he says. So many unanswered questions... So much to figure out.

First day we've been alone as a family after the memorial.  It's harsh...real.

The memorial yesterday was beautiful, the balloon release was calming. The hardest part was seeing him at the funeral home and saying goodbye. It was so hard to leave that room. I wanted to take him with me and bring him home and act like it had never happened. I got to hold him and kiss him and love him one final time. I could feel him crawling around, with his squinched nose little smile, I know he was there with us.

I've been avoiding facing the facts, haven't gone to his room, haven't looked at his clothes really, haven't removed his diapers or baby food. I know the day will come when all these things will be done, but not today. I can't tell you how many times Ive been walking around and I looked for Kinlee and Stetson to make sure they were there, then I thought, "where did Branson go?" then I have to say oh yeah hes not here. Its hard for me to cry, I know it should be opposite but it seems the tears are behind some kind of Dam and it keeps building and building, a few will squeeze out now and again, but real body shaking out of control crying is yet to come. I cried in the hospital the most, when he was said to be officially gone, but then maybe I put up the Dam then, because its been hard to do anything since then.

God has been our strength over the past few days, without him and our family and friends we would definitely have fallen apart. Ive yelled at God "WHY US?! WHY BRANSON?! HE WAS SO HAPPY!!" I was mad a God, but only for a minute, then I was calmed by God. He sent a song to me that hit straight to my heart. In the hospital while I was holding Branson before they came to take him to the Medical Examiner for the autopsy the song "It Is Well" was playing over and over and over in my head, like it was one repeat. It calmed me and helped me pull myself together. We've read lots of scripture and although we know he is in heaven and we are being selfish, we still want him back. It hurts, unfathomable pain...

This was read at his memorial and describes us perfectly.

Lamentations 3: 17-26

"My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hoped for from the Lord.
The thought of my homeless poverty
is wormwood and gall.
Remembering it over and over
leaves my soul downcast within me.
But I will call this to my mind as my reason to have hope
The favors of the Lord are not exhausted
his mercies are not spent
They are renewed each morning
so great is his faithfulness
My portion is the Lord, says my soul,
therefore I will hope in him.

Good is the Lord to one who waits for him
to the soul that seeks him
It is good to hope is silence
For the saving help of the Lord."

Tomorrow... It's the day. Tonight is our first night at home and it's been hard... Memories flooding back. Hoping to sleep soon. There is a small immediate family only visitation in the morning that they are having so we can say goodbye before cremation. Honestly, I'm scared of seeing him. It's going to hurt and I'm not ready for that pain. Every time a memory comes back I feel like I'm being punched in the stomach and I have to catch my breath. I think I'm still in denial, because I'm not crying today. I just cried for a few minutes over little things... But only small tears. I seem to just be rambling, guess I just needed to clear a cluttered mind.. It's been overwhelming the amount of care and consideration others have made in our behalf and we are forever grateful.

Such a hard day. Funeral arrangements, meeting with preacher, making a program, cleaning my house for visitors. I hopefully will rest tonight. We have a set time and place for funeral arrangements. His service will be Saturday June 16, 2012 at 10:30 am at the Cowboy Church in Nevada, Tx. All are welcome to this event. It will be a celebration of my sweet baby boy's life. I still seem so void of emotions sometimes...that scares me.

overwhelming love

I am surrounded by overwhelming love and I am beyond appreciative for this wonderful gift.  So much has happened today and so much more needs to be done.  We lost our sweet boy a little over 24 hrs ago and it still seems so unreal.  When will it ever feel real, when will I ever feel "normal" again?  I hate that I randomly break down and cry for little to no reason at all and at other times that I should be bawling I just sit stone still.  Whats to be expected, what will people want to see me do, how does one act in this horrible nightmare.  Im exhausted just trying to be alive without him being alive, how do I carry on and do normal everyday things.  Ive got distractions which is good, but eventually these will go and then all I'll have is memories and quietness where he once was, oh my sweet baby boy.

There is no set in stone time for the memorial at this moment, however right now we are tenatively setting it for Saturday mid morning for those that want to plan to attend.  It will be a celebration of the  wonderful 9 months we were blessed with....oh what a happy boy, oh what a wonderful joy he brought me. 

For those that are wondering we have not heard back about the autopsy, we are in limbo just waiting for that exact thing. Its an excrutiating wait. I think that's all I have the courage and strength to type right now, my heart is starting to bleed and ache...continue your prayers and thanks to all.  Love to all.

Tears are falling

I have no feelings left it seems...just a heaviness and overwhelming emptiness. I've cried, laughed, Remembered, tried to stop myself from remembering...and the emotions have just begun. I may post more to get my feelings out. I miss my sweet boy more than words can express tonight.