This time of year

Anyone who knows me...I mean truly knows me, knows that the Holidays (especially Christmas) is my favorite time of year.  The decorating, the happiness, the smiles from my kids, just the whole atmosphere of Christmas is so magical to me and I countdown the days to it every year! I have sooo many traditions and I enjoy every single one! I love the smells, the food and I can't wait to get my Christmas tree up and celebrate my family and the real reason for the season, Jesus.  And although I'm still focusing on Jesus and I walk with him daily, because without him I may not be able to get out of bed..I am still having a very hard time getting into the spirit of the season.  I keep trying and everytime I try my heart feels like it is bleeding and it physically aches.  It just won't be Christmas to me this year.  It won't be joyous.  I could buy my kids all the toys in the world and give them everything they have ever asked for and their smiles would brighten my day, but the whole season is a struggle to just survive.  I hate that I have to have Thanksgiving and Christmas without my baby.  I hate that I can't buy him his Christmas pjs or buy him gifts to go under the tree.  Everything reminds me of him, every Christmas tradition my family has, has him molded into it and now he isn't here so how can the mold be complete.  It just can't and it won't be.  We will still celebrate and it will be a great year...but it hurts.  Every minute of every day hurts without him here.  It's December 4th and my tree is still not up
(usually I want it up before thanksgiving!) and my heart just isn't in it...I want and need so badly to get the decor up, if for no one else than at least for my kids.  I wake up everyday knowing its the Holidays, but not feeling it at all.  I know its not what those that are gone want for us, but I can't help my pain. many times I imagine who he would be today.  His little almost 15 month old self would be walking and getting into things.  I see Stetson and Kinlee play and my mind pictures him there..and I wonder how he would be playing with them...what would he be saying...what would bring him the most joy about Christmas?  I still imagine myself with three kids. I'm definitely trying to get in the mood for my babies to enjoy this once a year magical joy...and many times I just fake it because they won't notice the difference. There is definitely a dark hole over my Christmas...praying I survive...hoping he continues to show me the little signs that he is still around and watching.  The little sun rainbows or a random butterfly.  He's here, just not it the way I want him or imagined he would be.