no more than 9 months....

Every time I close my eyes I see Branson as he was at 9 months old.  Thats the oldest he ever was, the oldest he will ever be.  I see everything he had grown to be in his 9 months of life..I just can't seem to see who he would be today, in 5yrs, 10yrs, 25yrs.....older at all.  I try to close my eyes and think real hard, but I just can't see it.  I know that I won't see him at that age and the age he is in heaven is unknown to me until I arrive there.  But I wish I could see him at 5yrs old about to start kindergarten. Would he have his little petite body still or would he have filled out, would he be shy or outgoing, would he love school or hate school.  I just wish I could see him one month older, one yr older, one day older.  Not to much to ask you'd think, but my mind just cant wrap itself around it.  He wasn't 10 months old, he wasn't 5 yrs old or 18 yrs old or any other age besides 9 months old and thats all I am allowed to see him be.  I pray someday that God allows my mind to see him as a young man, in a dream, in my mind.  Maybe when he would have been five I'll see it then. 

I also know that he was more in his 9 months that I have been in my 27 yrs....he is more than most people are in their whole life.  He has changed lives that he didn't even know before his death.  WOW!  I am amazed by this little man.  I am blessed by this little man.  I may not be able to see him as an older kid or man.  But I can see that his life meant as much to God as an older man.  He did and continues to do God's work. 

I have had one friend and two sister-in-laws give birth over the past 3.5 wks and another friend is having her baby tonight.  Its been amazing to see God's beauty being reborn and the wonderful things these kids will do and get to be throughout their little lives. Its been a gift for me to see them, as if I'm seeing through new eyes.  However amazing its been, its also been heart breaking and hard.  Everyone is standing around holding the babies and my baby is gone.  Never to be seen again on this earth.  I have no baby to hold and will constantly be reminded of his absence when I see these little ones.  It hurts in a new spot that hasn't been touched yet.  I feel empty when I am with them.  I hate that I feel that way and I love on them and see them for the beautiful blessing they are, but I also feel empty with them.  I hope it changes I love these babies to the core.  I hope that as times passes I will feel less empty around them and more alive.  I hope Branson fills that emptiness in my heart when I am with them to see them for all the things they deserve to be seen as.  I hate that the parents of these beautiful new babies have to read and know I feel this way.  I hope and pray that they forgive me for feeling so empty.  I love all of these girls and hope they know that I love them and each one of those babies. 

sweet baby boy

Oh Branson, why did you leave me?!  My heart feels empty at times.  I miss you so much.  Miss every little thing about you.  Your crinkled nose smile, your small little body, you nursing, you pulling on my hair while trying to fall asleep, you eating crumbs off the floor, you crawling behind the couch and me freaking out because I couldn't find you.  I miss you.  I have no more deeper words than that right now. You were the sweetest baby with a kind heart and rarely would you really cry.  So content with how things were, gosh how I miss that. You were such a happy boy.  But I know right now....you are far happier than any moment here on earth.  That soothes my soul, but doesn't decrease the pain.  I HATE that you had to leave me and I beg God to show me why you had to leave me.  Never have I felt such a pain in my heart...never have I felt like that pain would never go away.  You were and still are such an amazing little boy.  You are teaching so many people so much about God and that wonderful place called Heaven.  You are there worshipping our God and I am so thankful for that.  I can't wait for the day I get to see you again on that street of Gold and you will come running into my arms.  I know what you'll say "I've been waiting for you momma, let me show you this amazing place."  I hold that close to my heart for I fear death no longer, knowing that I will see you and my Lord some day.  I love you so much, I know you know that...I know you feel that.  Hold my heart and help me make it through each day as each day is so unplanned and unkown how the pain will be.  Oh I love you my sweet happy boy. 

Momma

Memory Walk

There is a memory walk, it is sponsered by M.E.N.D (mommies enduring neonatal death).  It is just a remembrance of infants that have left us.  The only one that seems to be close by us is in Irving. We are going to sign up for this, there is no fee and it is not a fundraiser, nothing is required of us except to walk in Memory of Branson.  I am going to look into having shirts made. But to register I have to let them know about how many people are going to participate.  I would LOVE for anyone and everyone to participate, I just need to know ASAP!  It is Saturday October 6, 2012 at 1pm at Calvary Church 4401 North State Highway 161 Irving Tx 75038.  Just leave a comment, email me or facebook message me so I can get a count before I register.  my email is britnibrannon@gmail.com.  Thanks to anyone who is willing to participate.  I will provide more details as I become aware of them and as the time draws nearer.

Love
Britni

What I hate the most..

I could go on and on about the things I hate about all of this...But what I really hate the most...

I HATE. HATE. HATE. that my children will grow up and not remember Branson.

Stetson is older and so he'll have more memories, but most of those will fade and he'll only have snippets of memories here and there about Branson.  But he will remember the most.  I am thankful for that.

Kinlee is so young that she won't remember him.  She will remember him by our memories, but not from hers.  She'll forget he ever existed in her mind.  She can see through pictures and videos, but thats it...thats all her mind will remember as she gets older.  Who we say he was.

The children I have yet to conceive will not have known him at all. They'll never know who he was or who he would have been.  How they would have gotten along, how they would have fought, how they would have connected.  They'll never know.

I hate that.

Just because I know that God has a purpose and there is a reason and so much will come of this..most of which I haven't even begun to imagine...that doesn't mean that I can't HATE that it is happening.  I do I hate that it is happening to me right now....a living nightmare. 

I'm in the process of a reading a book called " Choosing to SEE" my Mary Beth Chapman.  She's married to Steven Curtis Chapman...they lost a child also.  But in this book I came across a song that Steven Curtis Chapman wrote and I cried reading it.  It is exactly my feelings...so I will leave you with these words.

"With Hope"
Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of you smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know your goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more 
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears 
I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true 
'Cause now you're free and...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope 

A reminder of my grief and renewing of my heart

Last week was wonderful, because Cody's sister (Jessica) finally had her little boy Kayden Parker.  We were all so excited to meet this sweet baby.  He was born at 11:19am on Monday July 16 2012.  About an hr later I was told that he was having a difficult time breathing and was being put on oxygen.  He was sent to the nicu.  My stomach dropped...I was so scared for my sweet sister in law.  All I could think was : PLEASE GOD NO!!  DON'T LET HER KNOW THIS PAIN!  PLEASE GOD NO!"  I could not get him off my mind and I could not eat all day. I was overcome with my grief again. Later that evening I was texting back and forth with her to see how she was doing, When I spoke with her my heart broke for her.  I was had been prayingall day for that boy, but I began praying so hard for that sweet boy to just be ok!  I asked God to send Branson to watch over him..Then all the sudden I felt a calm wash over me and I KNEW he was going to be ok.  God spoke to me again and I heard it " He is going to be ok Britni, This boy is meant for something...I have great plans for him." I felt calm then, I did worry for my sister in law and all that she was going through, but did not worry that he wouldn't make it.

On Saturday we went to visit Cody's parents and my sister in law, brother in law and nephew(s).  He was still in the nicu so we were unable to see him on Saturday.  Miraculously overnight Saturday he came off his oxygen, came out of the incubator and was no longer required to be under the phototherapy lights for his jaundice.  PRAISE GOD!  Then we were told we could come see him and actually hold him before we left town. I jumped at the chance..Cody however had a very hard time with it.  He loves his sweet nephew, but it was a hurt his heart just wasn't ready for.  I was able to hold Kayden for a few minutes as Cody looked over my shoulder at him.  It hurt to hold my first baby since losing my baby, but it also felt like I was renewing myself.  It was such a strange feeling...grief and happiness pulling on my heart.  There will be so many more of those days in the months and years to come, grief will always be a part of me Like a freckle or a scar from a tragic accident. Right now the grief overwhelms all other emotions, but I know someday that even though grief will be there, in all my moments...it won't be the overpowering emotion.  It will take its back burn at some point, down the road.  It will be that feeling that just nudges me in moments, instead of being that feeling that is sucking thebreath out of me.

" For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

ETA:  Left out a whole paragraph I meant to write about my sweet sister in law.  She's been so amazing and strong through all of this.  She's given all the glory to God and had him as her strength.  She is such an amazing woman and an inspiration to those who may be going through something similar.  She was in constant prayer not only for her little boy, but for the others involved with his care.  I am so proud to call her my sister.  Also in more news little Kayden Parker is going home today!! FINALLY!  prayers for his continued growth and health at home.  Such a sweet family.

My rock here on earth

I have posted about my sadness, and troubles...but little about my happiness.  I want to write tonight about my dear husband. What can I say about the man the holds me up when I cannot hold myself up?  Who wraps me in love when I feel so unwanted by the world, who loves me not only in spite of my flaws but many times he loves me because of my flaws.  I love this man more that words can express.  I thank God every minute of every day for not only bringing me this man, but for who this man is....I am so blessed.

Our love may have started down a wrong path, and struggles have definitely been brought our way, but God always brings us back together.  Definitely see the reasoning behind that..besides three beautiful children, one who as an angel is changing not only our lives but tons of others out there.  But also because when we are together we compliment each other. He brings me back when I am weak, shows me the Lord when I am caught up in the ways of the world.  Not that he calls me out (not everytime at least) But he just tells me a story he heard on the Christian radio station, or tells me something he's been thinking that I never thought of the way he was saying it and I realize.."wow He's right," God uses him to get to me, but not only that I am humbled by his sheer honesty in his thoughts. and yet he never gives himself credit where his credit is due.  How amazing that we have a God that can take our "mistakes" and have such an amazing, life altering gift presented.  I should have known, why didn't I know...so thankful.

But back to my sweet Cody...  This man has given me so much love, Godly love.  I'm sometimes (ok many times) undeserving of this kindness he gives me, I'm snippy or short or overtired or sad or stressed, and we may bicker...but he always says he's sorry.  Wow, I can't even do that.  I must work on this, because there have been many times I should have said sorry and didn't do it because I didn't want to.  How wrong of me.
There are so many days that I was so thankful to have him to come home to. This man gives me strength I've never imagined. Hope that I longed for and the life I never dreamed of. Our life together has just begun really, but oh how I cannot wait to spend the next 50-70 yrs with this man


I will write a separate blog as the days come about my three sweet children and how each of them how shown me joy, happiness..have shown me God. So in Love with God right now.

one month

a month ago I saw him in the morning and nursed him and clothed him and took him to the babysitter.  Said goodbye while he smiled at me behind that pacifier and I left.  Never dreamed that would be my last visual of him.  So vivid in my mind now.  Sometimes I look back and I think..."how have I gotten out of bed and functioned, breathed, eaten, walked, talked, laughed....even opened my eyes without him here" The only constant answer that I hear from myself, or God is: Because you can survive this and his life was worth more than you wallowing in your self pity"  Its true.  Branson and his life, worth so much more....definitely worth me getting out of bed and going on with my life.  What gets me through so I don't fall apart? God first, my kids and husband second.  Kinlee and Stetson continue to grow and love and be apart of my life...this new life I'm having to adjust too...this new normal.  But they are still growing and learning and being the children that God so blessed me with.  And Cody, he's held me up when I've been weak.  I have no words to describe how this has strengthened us and no words for hte love I have for this man God chose for me. Who am I do judge why he does things, who am I to decide if I can or cannot get out of bed every minute of every day.  Only he can make that decision.  Only he can change my life.  While I wait for my life to be transformed I have to at least get out of bed everyday to see where he plans on taking me.  His plans for my life are beyond my wildest dreams..

Although I always knew my life was to be lived for Christ and only him, you get caught up in life and ins and outs.  Lost along a path...you try to make it the path it should be, but its always mixed in with our wrong decisions and wrong turns.  But this...THIS... has made me realize how much more my life needs to be for him.  I'm learning and changing and go to him because right now he is the only one that can hold me up, the only one that can truly comfort me in the spot so deep down in my soul...he's the only one that can touch that pain.  I feel him...I feel him all day everyday taking control of my life...I just hope that I can be worthy of where he wants to take it.

 I was so blessed to have had Branson....I can't believe God choose Cody and I to be his parents.  WOW!  Millions of people in this word...Billions...and we were chosen.  The best gift he's given me was this short life.  I am humbled by him and that decision he made, ME! And although my heart cries with pain, my heart also sings with joy.  Crazy that a heart can do both huh? Pain for my loss and joy for having known the happiness and love that was Branson.

One month.

One month closer to seeing him again.

Branson's piece and my peace

We took down the last piece of Branson's belongings today, his crib(by we I mean Cody's cousins who own the crib, Summer and Paul).  It was hard taking the bedding off, luckily Paul took it down for us so we didn't have to do that, but seeing that empty spot in the room sure is strange.  It's like the last piece of tangible evidence that he was in this house, and its gone.  Its been an odd week.  I had a really hard day Friday...no reason, nothing significant about the day, just like every other day last week.  But I started thinking about Branson and all the things I will never get to see him do or be.  I've not stopped since.  He was so close to walking, gone, so close to actually talking, gone....He will never have a first day of school, I will never get to see him really really play with Stetson and Kinlee, I will never see him graduate, or go to college, or get married or have kids.  Who would he have been?  Oh I have an amazing idea...He would have been this sweet, kind, loving person.  He wouldn't have wanted to hurt anyone's feelings and would try in every way to take care of others.  These things I knew..these things I already saw in him.  Strange how at 9 months I could see him so well.

Is it hard having everything gone that represented him?  Yes of course!  But God shows him to me everyday.  Even in those moments that seem to hurt, when Stetson says something about him, or Kinlee asks for him, or I see a rainbow from a cross sitting on my window.  Every single one of those things is God showing me little pieces of Branson.  Stetson remembers him so well...I hope that never changes.  I hope he holds those memories tight...I pray to God that he does.  Stetson is such a sweet, kind, loving Brother.  Not only was Stetson blessed to have  Branson in his life, Branson was blessed to have such an amazing brother.  Kinlee is so young her memories will fade, I do pray that she can at least hold one memory of him in her brain.  She loved that little boy so much.  I picture their love everyday.  They were so close in age....what a special bond they held.  I hope she remembers that bond.  I seem to be rambling. No real point to my blog tonight, just a little release of words.

I was struck today at church during the sermon it was about prayer, and the aspects of prayer and how intimate prayer is.  I speak to God all day everyday, I talk to him like he sitting right next to me, sometimes aloud if I'm alone. Then my mind did wander a bit, (whoops) but I started thinking about my prayers lately and how when I ask God a question he answers and I HEAR the answer in my head.  I say "why branson God?" and I hear him say "you will see" I say it hurts God and I HEAR him say " I know"  I literally HEAR his response.  And then it clicked how this has brought me so much closer to the Lord.  Not just because I need him because its a hard time, but physically its like the barrier between He and I is thinner and I can truly feel everything about him and Hear him talking to me.  The thing is I think sometimes I block him out because I'm not ready for something to happen yet.  I'll work on that because I never want to lose this closeness and this voice that answers to me.  I'm sure its always there, just now, I can hear it.  Really hear it!  

Time

How can time seem to move so quickly and stand completely still all at the same time?  I remember some things like it was yesterday.  I remember the phone call, the panic, driving to the hospital, waiting in the room for the ambulance to arrive, them carrying his lifeless body in the doors, them working on him, the Dr telling me it was all they could do, them calling his time of death, me falling to my knees, them carrying him to me, Cody walking in the door, Cody falling to his knees...I close my eyes and I see him.  That sweet boy in my arms, cold, gone. I felt like I had failed him...I'm supposed to protect him from all harm arent I.  Where was I when he was leaving his body...what was I doing in that moment?!  It seems like I'm still there holding him.  Then I open my eyes and it seems like eternity since I saw him last, saw his smile, saw him crawling, pulling up, laughing, eating food, nursing. An eternity since I felt the warmth of his body.  Three weeks...yesterday and an eternity all wrapped up in my brain.  How is this possible?  My heartaches...

First Day...step forward

Today was the kids first day with a new babysitter and my first day back at work.  My work day was short and uneventful. I only worked 5 hrs and my coworkers are beyond amazing.  We talked and laughed...sometimes about Branson, sometimes about work.  It was nice to be among those that I work with closely and that know as much about me as I do about them.  God has blessed me with such amazing Godly women, couldn't have asked for better.  They have been so amazing to me.  The day Branson passed they left work, dropped everything that instant that I called and ran to the hospital. They didn't even get to see me much as I was holding my sweet boy and access to his room was limited...but they stayed until 5 when the ambulance picked him up to take him to the ME's office.  What amazing friends.  My brother and sister-in-law were also there along with my pastor and his wife.  My best friend picked up my kids and took them to my house so they would be safe and with someone I know.  Amazing people in my life.  Anyways...back to work.  These amazing women gave me a precious gift when I returned to work this morning.  They had a bulletin board above my desk with tons of pictures of my kids everywhere.  What a perfect moment.  Will hold that to my heart forever!

The kids did awesome with the sitter.  She said they were great and no complaints from the kids.  No crying, no fussing, just fun.  My kids adjust well, that's good for me :)  over all it was a nice start....almost like another first day of the rest of my "new" life today.  It seems like God has alot of things in place for me right now to hold me up.  What an amazing God he is.  Leaving you with some more pictures :)