My dark storm

It keeps inching closer and closer...feeling darker and darker...a cloud looming over head and I'm just waiting for the lightning, thunder and pouring rain.  I usually love rain/thunderstorms...but this storm I wish was a perfect fall day instead.  I would enjoy that much more.  This storm is suffocating and throbbingly painful.  This storm is the first birthday of a son who lives in heaven and it is no longer a happy celebratory event, but instead a reminder of the one thing I can never celebrate with him.  His birthday.  Everyday it inches closer to this and everyday I breath a little harder.  I'm sure the actual day will be like any other, but its not so much the actual day that is painful.  It is the time leading up to it and the idea of what it should have been.  The thoughts of who he would be today and what he would be doing.  Its the reminder that he's gone.  Sure I'm reminded of that 24/7, but this is the salt on the wound.

 I try my best to look all put together and happy..and although I am happy ( I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful earthly babies to show me happiness) I am also torn apart inside.  I have trouble finding happiness in small places anymore.  I remember just a few months ago..probably May, my coworkers telling me that it was amazing how happy I could be first thing in the morning with all that I do all the time with three kids.  It felt good to know that I showed happiness all the time.  I feel close to God right now, the veil between him and me seems thin because he is my anchor, but I also feel in a dark place. How can these two things coexist.  I feel lonely and lost and misguided.  None of this should be how I feel, but I do.  God is my only strength right now, he is the one that whispers in my ear every morning to open my eyes and get out of bed.  He whispers to me that today is a good day with a gentle breeze that feels so perfect or that rainbow someone posts on facebook for me. He whispers to smile, to laugh, to find joy.  He whispers to me all day long so I can find my peace and happiness again.  Yet still, Somedays I just want the day to be over...I just want to be done with it and go to bed.  I struggle to make it through the day, just waiting for the peace and quiet.  The time I can lay down and all my worries can be saved til tomorrow. And ,of course, in these quiet moments God speaks to me the most.  Everyday he shows me that He has a promise for me ...a life, far beyond my expectations if I could just completely give him control.  Why is this so hard?  I am at a weak, breaking point where I honestly have no choice but to give him control and I can only give it to him a little at a time.  Like I don't fully trust him.  Sounds ridiculous I know. Oh how I pray I can turn over my control to him...I want that life he has planned for me. I am constantly repeating one of my favorites verses to myself:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

There will come a day (hopefully soon) where I can post more positives.  look forward to this day....because I most certainly do.

The unanswered question you've all been waiting for...

What happened to Branson Joe Brannon?

Honestly we do not know.  He was just gone.  He was healthy and perfect and not a thing was wrong with him, and he just died.  no explanation, no reason.  Just gone.  The autopsy showed nothing, the toxicology came back this week and it showed nothing of great cause.  His white blood cells were elevated, which shows a sign of possibly some kind of infection, but they were unable to determine what kind, if any he had.  Also noted was that thirty minutes after being found with no heartbeat his temperature was elevated at 101 at least.  Which is extremely high for someone who has been deceased for 30 minutes, for at least 30 minutes..who knows how long his heart stopped before they ambulance arrived to work on him.  So the answers to all those questions going on in everyone's mind is ...we don't know.  We don't know much of anything except who Branson was and what he is doing in this world after he has left us.  I truly think there is a much bigger plan to this.  This isn't just a simple case of he was here and he is gone now.  There is going to be a bigger picture.  An amazing thing that comes of this! I know it will!! 

Now for all of you out there automatically assuming SIDS, this is not the case.  It was stated with certainty but the cps worker, the police AND the medical examiner that it was not considered SIDS.  He was too old and the other small factors I previously stated ruled that out. His cause of death is "undetermined" as stated by the medical examiner on his death certificate. It truly is a mystery why he left us.  I don't think an actual cause of death would have helped me, I think his cause of death is greater than any of us can see or conceive.  He was too much for this world.  His cause was greater than we can see right now...it is being revealed to us a little at  a time. 

I miss him more and more everyday and my heartaches with every new memory formed without him here.  I constantly feel like he should be here and still have a hard time realizing that he's not.  I never knew you could miss someone this much and never knew your heart could hurt so badly.  I do know that I have learned and continue to learn so much not just about myself, but about the love of Jesus Christ my Saviour.  He loves me and will see me through this with his glory.  There WILLbe a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow.  And Branson will be there waiting with his crooked little smile.

Will there be a Fall for me?

Its coming up on my favorite time of year.  Fall.  I love the cool crisp breeze, the leavings falling, there's a certain smell in the air, pumpkin spice latte's and apple cinnamon smell around the house.  The time of year I always increase my love of baking and just enjoy life.  Its full of Holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all thrown together for a big three month party session.  I'm always counting down the days until September 1st because to me that marks the beginning of fall.  Thats when the decorations can come out and I can officially go in all out fall baking mode.  I look forward to it all year and long for it to start.

This year...

This year I don't care. It could be 110, 65 or 25 outside and it wouldn't make a difference to me.  I'm not counting down the days,  I'm not excited about pumpkin spice latte's or fall decorations. The decorations probably won't even go up this year.  I am not looking forward to any of the holidays and frankly I just don't care. Everyday is a just a day to me. I'm still looking for my purpose and still trying to find the reason for all of this.  The joy has been sucked out of me.  I know that I will find joy in it, I will get caught up in moments.  Stetson and Kinlee trick or treating, opening Santa gifts or making all the crafts I've got lined up for the holidays.  But each moment and each memory will be covered by this cloud that I'm missing out on the memories of him being there.

I can't buy him a halloween shirt, or make him another thanksgiving shirt like I did last year.  No trick or treating, he never even tasted thanksgiving food, no Santa or presents...nothing for him.  Branson is gone. He won't get to enjoy his first Birthday or get to see snow or feel that cool crisp breeze as he runs around the back yard.  So my favorite time of year seems tainted now.  At least for this year it won't be as joyful as it used to be.  I'm hoping the joy returns soon, I'm hoping as fall sets in and I will find joy in it.  Maybe it will be enlightening and God will speak to me through the time I so enjoy and look forward too.  Doesn't God always do that though.  Speak to use, and mold us from our innermost being and joys and heartaches.

I know God is molding me. I can see it happening in my mind.  He keeps adding clay and changing and forming me....he put some clay on to make something beautiful, then took it away, leaving a mark..an empty spot where this clay used to be.  But it wasn't a mistake, he didn't put the clay on and then change his mind and take it off.  He did it on purpose, because when he removed this chunk of clay from the me he is molding, It left an imprint, a mark. This mark is what makes me, one of his masterpieces, beautiful.  Its what makes me unique.  It was all done on purpose, and this mark will be what shapes the rest of me.  The rest of his artwork.  This has now become the center of what I am to be designed around.  I still have chunks of clay to be added and molded and formed to me.  But this....this mark will never change and will always be there.  This is God's purpose....this is my mark.

Stetson Layne, my sweet (big) boy

I can't believe he is 6 years old today!  6 years ago I was introduced to this wonderful life as a mother, I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything in the world.  He is such an amazing sweet boy I am so blessed to have been given this sweet boy.

What Stetson is to me?  He is sweet, cuddly, a mommas boy and so full of life.  He is so smart and inquisitive.  I know I'm too hard on him sometimes and I try not to be, but it just happens. I am working on it!  I want him to explore life and know his passion and know his future without a doubt in his mind, I want him to know his purpose and love life!

He has taught me a mothers love and shown me a son's love.  The love from a son is something to be cherised, it is amazing.  The love of a daughter is amazing too, but it is a different type of amazing love that Kinlee shows me.  He's so much like me in his personality, shy but crazy too.  He's easily embarrased and thinks about stuff for a long time before talking about it.  He is starting to blossom and become this amazing little kid, not a baby anymore.  He's really growing up right before my very eyes, life is too short.  He has also taught me patience, how to have fun with life, how to be a kid again, how to show excitement, how to be a little boy and how to have faith in God that only a child can have. 

He is also an amazing big brother.  Kinlee and Branson couldn't have gotten a better pick.  He loves them so much and is always wanting to help them.  He tries to teach them so much.  He kisses Kinlee and loves loves loves to play with her. Wish he didn't have to know the pain of losing anyone so young, especially someone he loved and begged for.  He wanted that brother so bad, what an amazing brother he was given and what a wonderful brother he was in return. What a happy, wonderful kid he is growing up to be!  So excited to see how the continues to grow and become a man of God.  So proud to call that little boy my son. 

This morning I booby trapped his room...he didn't show as much excitement as I was hoping for, but he did enjoy it I think.  He had to bust out of his room and he had balloons in his room, 6 for how old he is.  Tonight is present and a big cooke and his requested dinner.  I'm so excited to see him have fun on his birthday.  The day he deserves. 

Hard month number 2 (sorry so long...it just kept coming!)

2 months.  2 months!  2 months?  How is this possible?!

He would have been 11 months old yesterday and today he's been gone two months.  This second month has been harder than the first.  Its harder to get out of bed, its harder to find a reason to smile, its harder to be kind when I'm hurting inside.  I still try and hope that I am being Christ like everyday, but sometimes I don't feel like it.  I hope you'll forgive me if I'm a little short or take time to respond to your kindness.  I cry almost everyday now, where as last month I would go days unable to cry.  I know crying is healing and it will help me heal, I don't mind the tears, the tears are welcome..almost a relief from the pain.  But the relief is temporary.  I've also had more moments this month where I forgot he was gone.  Those were the moments that hurt the most.  I would be thinking of what to make him for dinner since our dinner wasn't suitable for him to chew or swallow or I would wonder where he had crawled off to, then I realized " oh yeah he's gone, none of those things matter."  I ache for him, I hate that I do, because I know that he is in a place I cannot even begin to imagine and he is full of joy and happiness, he is happier in Heaven than he was even at his happiest moment here on earth, but I'm selfish and I want my baby back.  I know he can't come back.  Which leads to me another hard part of this all. Stetson and his pain.  He had seemed to be doing well with this all, and for the most part I think he is ( as best as you can do when you loose a sibling) But recently he's started asking if Branson is gonna come back again. The other day he said to me " If I ask God if Branson can come back when he is older can he do that? I think he can...I'm gonna ask." Then he kept right one coloring ...oh to have the faith of a child. Stetson just knew if he asked God to do it he would do it and that was that.  Cody and I had to tell Stetson that although God can do anything this was not something that was going to happen, Branson was in heaven forever now. I keeps telling me he misses him and loves him and wants to see him!  What am I supposed to do?!  I can't heal his hurt too.  I try to be strong for him, but I think letting him see me weak in some moments will let him know that it is ok to be weak, that this is a horrible thing that makes that ok.  Oh that poor boy...poor Kinlee, poor Cody ...poor me.  Poor everyone who knew him!!  I hate going through this.  Trying to find a purpose.

I am going to post two songs today that help explain my heart and mind.  I won't post the entire song, just the part that pertains to what I'm feeling...but I will put the title and artist so you can youtube it and listen to the whole thing if you choose.

"One more day" Diamond Rio

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

But I know what it would do...keep me wishing still for one more day with you. 


The other song I heard today on the way home from church.  Although I've heard it before and I liked it before..it really hits some true feelings for me and it's been on my mind ever since I heard it

"Blessings" Laura Story

 We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/laura_story/blessings.html ]
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise


ok I posted that whole song, but its the chorus that really hits me the most.  Please take the time to really read the lyrics, because music has always been a key to my heart and a way I connect not only with myself and my feelings, but its how I connect with the Lord and worship him.  When I'm singing a song to him is when I feel the closest to him.  There now you all know my secret, I'm a shower, cooking and driving singer.  Just ask my kids, they have to listen to it all the time.  I love music and how it can reach down and touch my soul. Thanks to you all and love you all.

Britni 

8 wks

8 weeks ago at this moment I was holding my little boy praying he would miraculously take a breath and my nightmare would be over.  How does 8 weeks fly by so quickly?  I hear him sometimes, like he is in the other room stuck under something and I need to go drag him out again.  He was always getting into everything.  Wish I could wake up with him in my arms. When will my heart feel unempty...when will it feel like its not bleeding anymore?. Not much more I can say than I haven't already said over the past 8 wks, but I can say this, that God is working miracles through my little boy and I feel blessed to have been given the chance to bring him life and know him.  I love you sweet baby boy and will hold onto you forever and like I used to say every morning when I dropped him off at the babysitters: "I'll see you later baby boy, love you!" kiss kiss

My nighttime thoughts

I wrote this last night....but didn't post it.  Just now getting around to putting it out there :)

It's 11:30 at night.. Everyone's been asleep for a few hrs and here I am pondering.  So many thoughts, memories and ideas floating around in my head.  I love the memories because they keep him fresh in my mind, sometimes when I think on a memory if I close my eyes and let myself get lost in it, it almost feels as if he's still here and there are more memories to be made. Like I am laying right next to him and he is just sound asleep with his sweet little smell. But eventually I must open my eyes and the realization that he's gone comes once again.  The one memory I can quite grasp is that Tuesday morning when he woke at 5am to nurse.  It was early, I was tired... I didn't think it would be the last time I nursed him, so I made it through it, and we went back to sleep.  Now I can't remember the last time I nursed him.  The memory is kinda there, but not really... It's mixed in with all those other morning nursing sessions.  I can't remember that one time!  I want to so badly, but I can't.

Thoughts I have are about my past, but mostly my future.  Where do I go from here? How many more kids shall we have?  Will I know the pain of losing another child?  How will Stetson be affected by this?  I know Kinlee might be too, but she is so young the memories will fade. Stetson though, Oh I wish I could take away this pain from him, I wish I could take away the memories he has of that day, I wish he never had to know what it felt like to have a brother and lose him.  He wanted a brother soooo badly!  Will God use this terrible thing to bring people to him that may not have known him before?  Oh I can only hope it will!  I hope I can reach out to someone and show them this amazing God we have.  God doesn't cause pain for no reason...he has a plan, there is a purpose. I know I say this over and over.  Sometimes I need reminding myself, the pain is overwhelming and I need to remind myself that there is a purpose and a reason. God is in control now.  So many thoughts to sort through.

Ideas on what to do with this?  I have a few... Keeping those to myself for now, but I want to shout from the rooftops not just about my sweet baby boy Branson Joe... But about my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ who has plans for me!! " "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future!" Jeremiah 29:11  I feel like everyone should know this!  He gives and takes away...But my heart must choose to say Lord  blessed be your name.  I know without a doubt that Branson was on this earth to bring people to Christ.  In turn that will bring people to heaven! Amazing little boy he was...I hope you all get to meet him one day, on the other side of those pearly gates! 

my new sweet niece

My sister in law and brother in law welcomed their beautiful new baby girl into this world one week ago today.  She is absolutely beautiful!  Harper Jo Hargett.  What a precious gift they have been given.

They delivered in Ft Worth so we were able to go love on Harper last Sunday.  My mother in law, father in law, both sister in laws and brother in laws were there.  AND my 13 day old nephew and 3 yr old nephew were there.  It was amazing to be there all together to celebrate this joy being brought into this world, the precious gifts from God we've had brought into our lives the past few weeks.  It was also very hard for me.  I cried as we walked away down the hallway...I wanted my baby to hold so badly that it physically hurt.  Oh I miss him so much.

My Beautiful blessing and happy girl

I cannot begin to express how happy I am to have been blessed with such a wonderful little girl.  We tried so hard for about 2 yrs to conceive her and oh didn't God know what he was doing to make us wait!

What has Kinlee done to bring me happines over the past 2yrs.  She brought me that wonderful feeling of knowing the bond of mother and daughter.  She is so full of joy, laughs at everything and never holds back.  She's one stubborn little toot though, Ms. Independent and its her way or the no way at all.  She's not much on snuggling or cuddling so when you get those snuggles or cuddles from her its a precious, cherished moment.  She has taught me: to smile when days are hard, to forget my worries, to laugh just because I can, to cherish the little moments, to learn self confidence in myself.  She is so full of confidence and so outgoing.  She talks to everyone (even thought you only understand the hi and bye part), she loves loves her daddy and papa's, she loves her brother(s) so much.  She follows Stetson around and copys what he is doing 90% of the time.  She also knows how to teach Stetson a lesson LOL!!  She will put him in his place if he makes her mad! Its hilarious to see!  She loves her baby brother.  Sad that I can't call her a big sister anymore, she will always be one though. She still asks for him on occasion and if she sees a baby that is smaller she calls the baby Branson.  She had so much love for him.

She is one beautful, spunky, joyful little girl.  I have learned so much from her and know she will continue to teach me. She finds joy in the smallest things, I need that in my life and I think God knew that. She is so more amazing than I can even put into words.  She's perfect.  God's gift and blessing to me.  Oh how thankful I am.  Somedays she's gives me a reason to muster up that smile that I don't feel like doing.  God is amazing creating such a wonderful little girl just for me.  Thank you God for my beautiful happy little girl.

My sweet girl in her two yr pictures!!  Beautiful!

Gets easier with time

You've all heard the saying, I'm sure, that it "gets easier with time"  When is that?!  What time?! When does it get easier?!!!  If you were to ask me I would say it gets harder before it gets easier.  It is harder now, maybe because reality has set in, maybe because time has passed without him...but everyday it seems harder to breath, harder to believe this is my life now, harder to put one foot in front of the other at times. I can say that what has gotten easier is dealing with the pain.  I am better able to manage pain on a daily basis, but then out of nowhere it hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel sucked right back to where I was the moment I found out he was gone from me and returned to his heavenly father.  I feel that deep hole and it feels like my heart is bleeding.  It is a pain so undescribable, it just aches from within.  Its paralyzing.  And then its gone almost as quickly as it came. But you never see it coming so you are never prepared for it, and since you are never prepared for it the pain lingers, like an ache for the rest of the hour or day, however long it takes you to recover from the sudden impact of pain.  The difference between 7wks ago and now, I'm less numb and more aware.  Its not so new and unthinkable.  I've lived without him now and that makes it hurt more. 

So for those that ask how am I doing...the answer is always different.  some moments I'm ok because I've learned to manage the pain, sometimes I'm crippled in my pain, sometimes I just ache, but most times even with all of these feelings I always have a feeling of peace. Not just because I know he is in heaven, but also because I know there is a purpose for my pain AND that I will see him again someday.  Thats what keeps me going, thats what pushes me through.  My other children are my life and they definitely keep me going, but like I say..the pain can be paralyzing, so in those moments I have to remember I will see BRANSON again someday so the pain tones down to an ache.  Please don't stop asking me how I am, please don't stop talking about him and please don't let my kids forget.  When people stop asking it seems as though he's forgotten and I never want him to be forgotten.  His purpose on this earth is far beyond my understanding right now.  so please share or speak of him, it doesn't hurt as bad as you think.  Its not as uncomfortable as you think.  Its happy when people speak of him, its joyous to hear memories! SHARE!