Not ready, but must prepare

Yes its been awhile.  Honestly things have just been to overwhelming for me to post.

I can't trace back to where I last left off but I can start from where my mind sits now.  On March 13, 2013 Branson was gone from this earth exactly as long as he was here.  9 months and 1 day. Gone.  How can that be...how can he be gone as long as he was here.  It seems like only yesterday my world was shattered.  As of today he's been gone almost 10 months ( it will be 10 months on Friday).  This week has already been hard for me...I'm not sure what it is but I've started crying looking at pictures hanging on the wall multiple times.  I see them every day...yet for some reason when I see them this week I can literally feel him in my arms again and I can feel him being ripped away. My heart feels shattered all over again and I fall to the ground in tears.  I miss him so much it hurts.  I know I say that constantly and I wish I could explain but I ache from missing him.  I feel a pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart that can never be filled...no matter how much I eat or how much I try to fill that hole with love it is still a gaping hole! I miss his smile.  I miss his slobber. I miss his chill attitude towards his siblings. I miss nursing him. I miss waking up at 3 am with him. I miss having three kids.  I hate walking around pregnant and people saying "oh three now huh...you're gonna be busy." I WANNA BE BUSY! or  they say "Is it a boy or girl? oh so you'll have two boys and a girl then huh?!" NO I WILL HAVE THREE BOYS AND A GIRL! But I can't yell at them...this pain is not theirs to carry...so I just smile and move on as quickly as I can.

I am now about 8 weeks away from my due date.  It's coming so fast.  I am so over being pregnant and so ready for this baby to be here...but I also know the due date is close to Branson's one year death date and the more I wish away my pregnancy the closer I get to a day I am not ready to deal with.  1 year is too much...I know it will come and I will have to face it and I will survive it...But I don't want to.  So here I sit almost 32 weeks pregnant wishing for the baby to be here, but not for it to have been a year since I lost my sweet baby boy.

I've struggled lately with alot of things...But I've felt God very near to me and I know if not for him I would not be able to stand most days. He gets me up and out the door and helps me function through every moment of every day. I am exhausted by the end of the day, physically and emotionally...and I so look forward to just falling into bed and feeling God wrap his arms around me and dreaming of my sweet boy giving me a kiss on my cheek as I  doze off to sleep.

What I ask of all of you is prayers to make it through not only the next 8 wks of this pregnancy, but through the one year anniversary of Branson being returned to his heavenly Father.  I know he is safe and happy, but I miss him and yearn to feel his skin against mine again. Thank you to any and all that pray this for me.