Grief anew

I have an entire other post I've been working on, but today is not the day for that post....today my heart is hurting.  Saturday morning I received a phone call...again, one of those phone calls you never want to have, but there I was again having this phone call. A dear college friend of mine passed away.  It was a car accident, the details aren't important. Immediately I was sucked back to June and my heart bled again. The last time I spoke to my friend was via text on Branson's birthday.  She texted me to tell me she was thinking of me...we texted back and forth a few minutes and caught up on life..and that was it.  The last time I had contact with her. This grief is so different, I went through shock much quicker than with Branson and moved quickly to just overwhelming sadness. I cannot stop thinking of her family...oh how I know how they must feel. My heat hurts because I lost a friend, but their hearts hurt bc they've lost a daughter, sister, granddaughter...I want so badly to hold them because I know the pain is so strong, but I also know that there is nothing I can do or say to make it feel any better....they have to go through it in their own way, on their own time. 

It has been much harder to accept her death than Branson's.  I don't know why, but with Branson I knew immediately his life had fulfilled God's purpose...and although I truly belive that with her as well...I still have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is gone.  She was beautiful, so smart, and always tried to make people feel included.  It has also brought up feelings that I have tried my hardest to push aside, keep buried down...but now they are out in the open again...salt on my wound.  Its hard to explain this grief this time.  I feel like I've been drug backwards in my grief instead of forwards.  I know God's plan in all of this pain will overcome all and we will be amazed by it all, but in my pit of grief its hard to grasp that for a moment. I beg of those who read this to not only pray for the family today...but continue to remember them...bc as time passes it gets harder.  I know for me it has been. People say less and you hurt more...so pray for them for a very long time...they are hurting so deep they need as many prayers not just today...but tomorrow, next week, next month, 5 months from now..a yr from now.  The pain comes in waves...so please pleas pray continously!  Love to you all.

Circle of Life

I know its been awhile.  I have had alot going on these past few months, but mostly I just haven't had the energy to post.  Many emotions and new things happened since I posted last I can't really sum it all up. We are doing well and had a great Halloween.  Kinlee potty trained herself...seriously her decision and he mastered it.  God must have known I needed a break.  Stetson has become a reading whiz and I'm so proud of both of them.  I have tons of pictures I will post in a seperate blog from Halloween, the pumpkin patch and Branson's memory walk. 

Now for the title of the Blog....the circle of life.  Talking to my mom last night inspired me and now I must share.  As we become adults we know that based on the circle of life some day when we are older and our parents are older that our parents will leave this earth.  We are prepared for their death in a way because its a natural process.  We are born we get older we die.  Losing a child is not a natural process of life and it comes very unprepared in our list of things to be prepared for in life. I still struggle not just day to day but alot of times I struggle minute to minute.  I want to fall apart and cry in a heap on the floor because I see a baby Branson's age, but I can't because I'm out in public and how inappropriate that would be.  There are minutes I smile because I remember him crawling across the kitchen and in the next minute I want to just give up on what I am doing in the kitchen and go crawl in bed because I feel like life shouldn't go on at that moment. I hate what I'm about to say and although I know its true I really hope people understand what I mean. I've learned over the past 5 months that Life does go on and there is still a circle of life in all we do. I want people to understand that although I realize life goes on as I have had to go on, Life still seems to stand still for me and I still struggle everyday with this. My life has gone on, but I have not moved on and my life will NEVER EVER be the same.  I may smile and laugh and joke, but behind each one of those is a world of hurt that I'm just trying to wade through on a daily basis.  So remember that each comment you make to me ,or anyone that knew Branson on a personal level, needs to be said with care because the scar is deep and is not healed and words said can be like pouring salt on that wound.

I got a bit off topic, but I had to say what I wanted to say.  Now as I said There is a Circle of Life, death brings on life.  We are currently living the Circle...We recently found out that we will be bringing another child into this world.  I will be 11 wks pregnant on thursday and I'm cautious every single day.  Baby number four for us, but this pregnancy has been anything but easy.  Over all it has been fine.  But everyday my emotions are all over the map.  I struggle with being truly happy about it because my fear that something bad will happen, like it just lurking around the corner and it will pounce when I least expect it.  I have made it to some criticial points and the chances of miscarriage decrease everyday.  I know without a doubt Branson had his hand in this pregnancy.  This child was conceived around Branson's birthday and will be due near his death day.  What more of a circle of life can you get than that?!

Yesterday I spoke with Stetson about it, he has known since I was 7 wks pregnant, but he was missing Branson yesterday so I told him that this baby in my belly already knew all about him and how great a big brother he was and how much fun he was to play with because his baby brother talked to him up in heaven before God but the baby in my belly.  He cried, but I do believe those were tears of sadness mixed with happiness to think that something like that could be true.  I believe it is true.  I know this WHOLE post has been a bit of a jumbled mess, but I guess thats what happens when you don't post for awhile.  So much to say and can't get it all organzied.  I will leave you with a 6 1/2 week sonogram of our little baby.  I have had one more sonogram since at 10 wks, but we did not receive a picture from that sonogram.  

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This next photo is how we announced to our immediate family.