19 months

I guess time gets so warped in my mind I can't fathom that it has been that long since I held my baby boy. My memories are fading, I hate that. I see him in my dreams but its not the same. This second year of grief has been harder for me that the first year. Maybe I was in shock or it was all to overwhelming to completely process. But Since the one year anniversary has passed I feel my heart hurting more...I feel more lost. I still constantly try to count four kids....I count one, two, three and look around for another when my mind realizes that there is not  another to look for and then I ache. I ache for the good memories that I cling to, I ache for the memories I was unable to make and I ache most for the bad memories of the day he left me. I know his spirit was free and I can see how happy and glowing he is today and for that I am thankful. It still feels so surreal at times. I think "Did this really happen?" and " I didn't think something so bad would ever happen to me!"

Lately my heart seems to draw back to that heart aching moment when I threw my self on the cold hospital floor and screamed,  too weak to stand. That moment when the doctor ,who I hated more than anyone else in the world in that moment, told me they had done all they could. It is a moment that is so dark when I think of it I can feel the darkness closing in and the pain so deep, I feel my heart drop to my stomach and I want to puke. I want to hurl everything up and out of me so far out into the world that all the darkness and sadness is gone. But it sits deep in my heart and my body and it lives there. It lives there  day in and day out. For the past 19 months I have had to learn how to live with this darkness deep in the pit of my belly. Learning to carry on with the pain in tow. I still learn everyday how to do this, its a work in progress. So excuse me while I feel like some days are a blurry mess and I stagger through it all.

To say my relationship with God is the same would be lie ( I would say it is so much better!), I've yelled and cried and begged him to change it all, I know he has been there comforting me through it all. He has really been tugging on my heart to be more in The Word and find scripture that will not only comfort me, but provide me with a purpose for why things happen as they do. A friend shared a retreat with me, and I actually thing another friend shared it with me last year, but I was not ready, or in a place to attend. This year I have been looking into it for months and wanted to attend so badly, but it was so expensive and I just didn't know how I would find a way. I just kept praying to God that if he really wanted me to go to help provide the way for me. As of yesterday he has placed stepping stones in my life to provide me the opportunity to go to this retreat for mommies who have lost their heart with a baby who is in heaven. I am beyond excited to attend, and I am already in prayer for the things that will happen there. God has something he will show me there and I can see it will be amazing. So if you are able and willing, pray that God shows me something amazing at this retreat that will help guide me to more healing and more purpose. Thanks to you all and love to you all!