Good Grief..

Grief is exhausting.  You begin to fear the hard moments.  Its all encompassing.  You go about your business as best you can everyday, and as each minute passes you get anxious about that next moment that you fall apart.  The pain builds up and presses at you, you can feel it, right there...just getting tighter and tighter.  Until, that moment...that moment that it bursts. At that moment it is all encompassing, overwhelming...it engulfs you.  You feel every ounce of pain you've been building up since the last burst.  It knocks you to the ground. Whether its been 10 min, 12 hrs, 24 hrs, 48 hrs...its powerful.  Then as it subsides you feel the pressure gone, although its already starting to build again, then after this "relief"/release you just feel exhausted.  Then the fear hits again.  "When will it come again...can I hold it back a little longer, Its so exhausting."  On top of all that is the talking to everyone about it all the time. Not that you don't want to...its a memory, good or bad, a memory.  Its just that its exhausting too. Don't get me wrong I don't want anyone to stop asking or speaking about what they want to say or feel...just saying that this adds to the exhaustion.  Grief...so exhausting.

Today we were able to return our sweet baby boy home.  We received his ashes and put them in his special made urn.  And oddly once we were in the car I felt like a little piece of my heart was back where it belonged.  Knowing he would be with me from now on was calming and safe.  Its also, almost a new type of pain tonight though.  I guess when that piece of my heart was placed back, it has to heal around it to make it part of my heart again because although he's always been there this piece of my heart has been altered and isn't the same as it used to be.  Its bigger and jagged and smooth and strong and weak, its everything Ive felt or missed since he passed.  Ive felt him in everything I've done tonight.  Cooking dinner, reading the kids a book, playing with the kids before bed, putting the kids in bed....even right now I can feel him an overwhelming amount.  He's right here with me, in my heart.  Its starting to heal.  What this sweet boy can do...

Another day

Another hour, another minute, another second...Another day.  Its easier to get through the day now not such a raw feeling...but still overwhelming amount of pain.  They called yesterday and his ashes are ready, the only time Cody is not working when they are open is tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully we will make it over then.  I wonder what that will feel like, to have him home?  Maybe thats part of my problem, he just seems like he's not here right now, on a trip.  I'm so anxious all the time wondering where is he: the ME's, the funeral home, being cremated, back at the funeral home, where is is body now? ....motherly instinct I guess.  Ready for him to be home with his family again.  I know spiritually he's in heaven and he is surrounded by unimaginable beauty.  He's happy and smiling and just beginning is precious time there.  But physically I need him with me, to help me carry on in this world.  I rejoice in the fact that someday I will be able to see him again...oh what a glorious day that will be. When I get to heaven and he comes running to see me with the knowledge only heaven holds  "When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be, When we all see Jesus we'll scream and shout the victory"

Tomorrow is another day...maybe a hard one.  I shall see when the time comes.  At least he will sleep with us tomorrow.

Faith

Faith is such a hard thing, believing in something before it happens, and believing everything happens for a reason with a purpose. In retrospect God has been preparing us all for this event (shouldn't have figured any less, doesn't he always). A year or so ago I was somehow made aware of a family that had an older son and 6 month old triplets. One of the triplets passed away at 6 months...(http://bissingfamily.com/). I read her blog everyday for months and although I knew nothing about her my heart broke for her and I would sob every time I read her blog. I prayed for them because I couldn't imagine the pain. This was just the start. I've seen many little ones lose their life early over the past 6-9 months and it always pulled at my heart and I would pray in whatever way I could. I say all of this to show how God obviously was preparing me and my heart. Not once have I been angry with God. Confused, upset, hurt... Yes all of those, but not angry. Maybe I just haven't made it to that stage in my grief. However I believe it's because God prepared me and my heart, and he gave me Branson. What better act of Love from God than that sweet boy. I do still ask God why, or why me?! Not that I would want anyone else to feel this pain.. But a question nonetheless. I KNOW God and Branson have a continued plan for this earth. I will find that way to carry on Branson's love and happiness. People everywhere will know his joy! Will my faith falter, maybe, but God is always there, even if my faith is weak. I have felt his love surrounding me since before I made it to the hospital. He has not once left my side, and he will carry me through this.. Especially on the harder days.

Being a mother to my sweet boy

I've written about my sadness and heartbreak....but I have not written about the joy I had in the few short 9 months I had with my sweet baby boy.

From the moment this sweet boy was in my arms he was a joy.  He was a surprise baby, we had not planned to conceive him.  After the initial shock though, we were so excited (stressed that he and Kinlee would be so close in age) to grow another part of our family.  He was such a tiny little man and had a major weight gain issues.  But his milestones flew by!  He was crawling by five months and pulling up to standing, cruising furniture by 6 months.  I never had chance to rest between him and Kinlee.  He was such a snuggly baby, he loved to be held and rocked to sleep.  He would burrow his face in the crook of your arm, that was his "I'm sleepy" sign.  He had recently started rubbing my hair between his fingers when I rocked him to sleep.  He was the most smiley baby you ever saw, he mainly smiled for his momma, but Cody, Stetson and Kinlee could get a good smile too.  He had this calmness and joy that you couldn't help but feel when you were with him.  Even when I wanted him to go to sleep because I was so tired and I just looked at him and said "why are you still awake, it is bed time?!"  He would look at me and grin and I would fall apart with laughter.  Oh what a joy.  He always seemed wise beyond his age.  He just had this look in his eye that could reach out and touch your soul.  I remember many a times when he was an infant that I would sit and stare at him, mesmerized by him.  What a blessing he was not only to my family and I, but also to anyone who was able to spend time and amount of time with him.
Besides everything he was...I think of everything he did also.  He taught Kinlee how to be a big sister, and oh how she loved her little brother. She would lay on the floor on her stomach with her feet up in the air and just say over and over " Hey Banson, Hey Banson" and smile at him.  She also loved to tell him "No No Banson"  He was already teaching her to be a good momma. He taught Stetson what it was like to have a little brother...the brotherly bond.  Stetson wanted a little brother so badly.  Stetson told me that Branson will always be in his heart.  Wow, six years old and he knows.  I hope he always remembers his sweet baby brother.  He taught Cody happiness, joy and surprise.  He had dreams for his little man.  He loved teasing Cody and Cody thought it was hilarious and would tease him right back. He would smile a mischievous smile at Cody and ignore him or go the opposite direction.  They were so alike.  Branson would have been an amazing Grown man. I can only imagine.  Me...oh what he taught me.  He taught me joy, how to smile even when I was upset, how to slow down and enjoy life, how to love in a new different way, how to expect the unexpected.  He was always keeping us on our toes starting with preterm labor.  He taught me to smile, He taught me to smile for the world to see.  Because when you have a smile like that sweet boy everyone feels it.  Since his death he's continued to teach me...He's taught me faith, strength, love, how to never forget a moment, and take advantage of every opportunity you can when it comes to your children.  What a 9 month old could teach the world...beyond what we can grasp. I'm sure I'll continue to learn from him.  What a strong little man he was.  I miss the joy he taught me on a daily basis, but I will never forget the joy he taught me in his life.  He was and always will be my sweet baby boy.

Since his passing I've constantly felt like he was near...smiling at me and right by my feet.  I could close my eyes and feel him in my arms snuggled up trying to sleep.  Today, I didn't feel that as much.  I hate that.  I need to feel him.  

Two weeks

How can that be?  Can two weeks go by so quickly, yet so agonizingly slow?! I still smile, I still laugh, but my heart feels so empty.  I miss him eating food off the floor or crawling around right behind me, I miss him crying at 3am and miss breastfeeding him so much.  Its such a sharp pain...will it ever become a dull pain?!

Yesterday as I was sweeping the floor I hurt because I used to have to constantly move the pile around because he would come try to eat the pile and when I was cooking he would be right there by my feet.  I don't just miss him, I miss everything he used to do that drove me crazy.  I would give anything for one more minute or one more day to see a sweet smile or food in his mouth...or anything...

We should be getting his ashes soon, they haven't called yet, but it should be any day now.  I feel like that should be hard for me, but I don't know if it will be.  I'm having such a hard time crying and letting it all out. We ordered a beautiful urn that we should be getting in the mail today so I will try to post a pic later.  Crazy that I should have to order an urn.  I'm only 27 should I really be dealing with the death of my child right now?!  Stetson asked Cody and I the other day "when is Branson coming back?"  I thought we were doing ok explaining it all, but its so hard for a 6 yr old to grasp I guess.  We had to tell him that he wasn't coming back, but he was in Heaven with Jesus and some day a very long time from now we would see him again.  My heart breaks for my boy, that he should have to try to grasp such pain.  I wonder what he thinks and feels about that day...he was there after all.  He was in the midst of all the craziness with the paramedics and the police...oh how I wish I had been there for him and sweet Kinlee.  I know they were well taken care of, but my babies...

Two weeks....and time moves on.  

More days...and busy weekend

Two more days....everyday I am just ready for the day to be over, but I don't know why, the next day is the same.  No plans, just pain.  Its a cycle of wanting to be asleep and wanting to stay awake.  He's in everything I do...

This weekend we stayed busy.  Saturday was a family reunion and Stetson's end of season T-ball party at a splash park.  Busy day, but thats ok.  Here are some pictures of the kids.  Kinlee was scared to death of the water...but was in love with chasing the wild attacking goose around.  Go figure.  Stetson had a ball...everything was perfect for him and I'm glad we had so much fun for the kids.

Hard day

Its been a hard day today.  I have alot of memories just flying through my mind.  One that is very vivid is Tuesday morning when Branson woke up about 5am.  I remember waking in my half asleep stupor and walking to his room and the picture of him standing at the end of his crib crying and looking at me is just imprinted in my mind.  Oh I wish I could see that one more time. I also vividly remember telling him goodbye Tuesday when I dropped him off at the sitter.  I'm glad I always told each of my kids goodbye because I always feared something would happen.

I just have a heavy feeling on my heart today.  The shock must be wearing off and the reality sinking in.  Its hard to breathe sometimes I miss him so much, I miss everything about that sweet little boy. Tears come more frequently and sadness is numbing.  I'm completely lost in this path I'm trying to follow. Its like I'm trying to follow this path that I've never been down before and night has fallen and I can't see my way and panic sets in because its so unfamiliar.  I'm looking into some grief groups that meet around us, its hard trying to get the courage to go to one though.  I wish I had never had this path pushed upon me.  I wish I was holding my sweet baby boy.

Picture overload...but I have to put them somewhere...

                                                                   

     My happy boy...

another day...

Another day, running out of things to do around the house...

yesterday I was running some errands (car inspection, fixing my phone screen that I dropped and cracked yesterday morning, bank, etc.) and while I was waiting for my car to be inspected a lady came in with her baby...he looked to be about the same age as Branson and I couldn't even look at him.  I had to use every strength of will power not to burst out in the waiting room.  I did tear up and I looked away.  Then I felt guilty for looking away, he was a cute baby...no reason he should have to be a pain in my heart.  But it was.  Then Kinlee was looking at pictures on my phone with me and although I've seen the pictures on Branson a million times it hurt my heart looking at them yesterday, he looked so alive and so happy...I miss that sweet boy. I miss that sweet smile and I miss that caring heart he had.  I did read a quote today that helped me: "Sometimes God let's you hit rock bottom so that you will discover that he is the Rock at the bottom." Dr. Tony Evans ....It's a new perspective.

After receiving the gift the other day for Stetson and Kinlee I can't help but think there is more for me to take from his death.  More I must do with it...I'm not sure what that may be yet, but I do know that God will help me figure it out. Right now God is allowing me time to mourn...When I ask what will come of this he just says "not yet...mourn sweet girl"  I will just ask for prayers not only for our family in this time, but also that whatever it is God wants me to do to use this for his will that I see it and run with it.  I need to carry on Branson's tender, sweet, caring heart.

Can life readjust so quickly?

Crazy how life adjusts so quickly...2 kids to 3 kids..
3 kids to 2 kids. I miss him and feel his emptiness in everything I do, getting in the car, getting out of the car, walking in the house, going to the store, bathing the kids, putting the kids to bed, waking up in the morning....its all changed. Minus one kid, yet it seems to have adjust and reformed itself already. How can that be, how can life adjust so quickly for something that screams out in me all throughout the day?! I know life moves on and things move on, but this quickly...

Still waiting for his ashes, I'm ready to have him back, maybe then I'll feel more settled. I've spent the whole week rearranging my house and taking down old things on the walls. I don't care how it changes, just seems that nothing can be the same anymore. His things have not been touched, but I know that day is coming soon.  I'm going to be making a quilt with his old clothing and I need to go through them to get it all laid out so I can get started. I want this quilt to hold onto when I'm weeping or when i just need him in my heart. The crib needs to come down soon also, but when and how can I do this, I don't know but I'm sure that'll be a hard day. I'm avoiding the hard things, but there will come a day when it will need to be done. But when those days come I know that my family and close friends will come running to be with me. They've been so strong for me, I know they need their rest and their break, but they've stood so strong by my side. I'm blessed beyond words...could never imagine going through any of this without my Lord, my family, my friends and my church by my side.

One things I've had placed on my heart happened today. Someone dropped something at our door, there was no card, just two pillow pet looking things. There was a business card thing attached so later after I had finished my project of the morning I sat down and looked up the website to see if I could figure out where this came from. Here is the website: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pink-Poodle-Pillow-Project/280552625312686. She knows my pain, and although I do not know her or know how she heard of me, my heart is happy that she thought of my two earthly children. I will definitely be keeping them in my thoughts and prayers. What an amazing blessing for my sweet children.

one week

Its been a week....

Some moments it seems a million years ago and others it seems like only yesterday.  How can this earth carry on without him here....where has the joy gone that he once carried...Sometimes I feel that joy in my heart, like he is placing it there, other times I feel as if it has been ripped from my very being. OH GOD WHY....

Since his passing a few people have reached out to me about how his passing has changed their lives in either a small way, or a large way.  It definitely helps the pain to see his death having changed others life.  He was an angel sent to earth to changes lives...why was I so blessed to have him, I don't know....but I'm thankful everyday to have had him..

No sleep for the weary

Sleep eludes me... No tears, Just memories. I'm exhausted, but sleep does not come. Never imagined a pain so sharp, so abrupt. Where will I go next, what happens next... How do I move on? I have two sweet babies right here on earth to mold and they need me, but ohhh I wish they knew how I needed them. They are the reason I can get out of bed, they are the reason I can smile today, or laugh tomorrow. It hurts that they must carry such a heavy burden... To carry me. That they must know such sadness. Stetson asks me once a day to tell him what happened to Branson again, such a young age to fathom this sadness. We try to say something we remember about Branson every day and how it makes us smile. My reason for carrying on... I know God has been preparing us, I'm sure for a long time he has been preparing us for this very day and time in our lives. But I feel so unprepared for this, I was blindsided it seems. I've begged God for a reason... You'll see in time he says. I've begged him to bring him back... I can't my child he says. I've begged to take his place... It's not your time he says. So many unanswered questions... So much to figure out.

First day we've been alone as a family after the memorial.  It's harsh...real.

The memorial yesterday was beautiful, the balloon release was calming. The hardest part was seeing him at the funeral home and saying goodbye. It was so hard to leave that room. I wanted to take him with me and bring him home and act like it had never happened. I got to hold him and kiss him and love him one final time. I could feel him crawling around, with his squinched nose little smile, I know he was there with us.

I've been avoiding facing the facts, haven't gone to his room, haven't looked at his clothes really, haven't removed his diapers or baby food. I know the day will come when all these things will be done, but not today. I can't tell you how many times Ive been walking around and I looked for Kinlee and Stetson to make sure they were there, then I thought, "where did Branson go?" then I have to say oh yeah hes not here. Its hard for me to cry, I know it should be opposite but it seems the tears are behind some kind of Dam and it keeps building and building, a few will squeeze out now and again, but real body shaking out of control crying is yet to come. I cried in the hospital the most, when he was said to be officially gone, but then maybe I put up the Dam then, because its been hard to do anything since then.

God has been our strength over the past few days, without him and our family and friends we would definitely have fallen apart. Ive yelled at God "WHY US?! WHY BRANSON?! HE WAS SO HAPPY!!" I was mad a God, but only for a minute, then I was calmed by God. He sent a song to me that hit straight to my heart. In the hospital while I was holding Branson before they came to take him to the Medical Examiner for the autopsy the song "It Is Well" was playing over and over and over in my head, like it was one repeat. It calmed me and helped me pull myself together. We've read lots of scripture and although we know he is in heaven and we are being selfish, we still want him back. It hurts, unfathomable pain...

This was read at his memorial and describes us perfectly.

Lamentations 3: 17-26

"My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hoped for from the Lord.
The thought of my homeless poverty
is wormwood and gall.
Remembering it over and over
leaves my soul downcast within me.
But I will call this to my mind as my reason to have hope
The favors of the Lord are not exhausted
his mercies are not spent
They are renewed each morning
so great is his faithfulness
My portion is the Lord, says my soul,
therefore I will hope in him.

Good is the Lord to one who waits for him
to the soul that seeks him
It is good to hope is silence
For the saving help of the Lord."

Tomorrow... It's the day. Tonight is our first night at home and it's been hard... Memories flooding back. Hoping to sleep soon. There is a small immediate family only visitation in the morning that they are having so we can say goodbye before cremation. Honestly, I'm scared of seeing him. It's going to hurt and I'm not ready for that pain. Every time a memory comes back I feel like I'm being punched in the stomach and I have to catch my breath. I think I'm still in denial, because I'm not crying today. I just cried for a few minutes over little things... But only small tears. I seem to just be rambling, guess I just needed to clear a cluttered mind.. It's been overwhelming the amount of care and consideration others have made in our behalf and we are forever grateful.

Such a hard day. Funeral arrangements, meeting with preacher, making a program, cleaning my house for visitors. I hopefully will rest tonight. We have a set time and place for funeral arrangements. His service will be Saturday June 16, 2012 at 10:30 am at the Cowboy Church in Nevada, Tx. All are welcome to this event. It will be a celebration of my sweet baby boy's life. I still seem so void of emotions sometimes...that scares me.

overwhelming love

I am surrounded by overwhelming love and I am beyond appreciative for this wonderful gift.  So much has happened today and so much more needs to be done.  We lost our sweet boy a little over 24 hrs ago and it still seems so unreal.  When will it ever feel real, when will I ever feel "normal" again?  I hate that I randomly break down and cry for little to no reason at all and at other times that I should be bawling I just sit stone still.  Whats to be expected, what will people want to see me do, how does one act in this horrible nightmare.  Im exhausted just trying to be alive without him being alive, how do I carry on and do normal everyday things.  Ive got distractions which is good, but eventually these will go and then all I'll have is memories and quietness where he once was, oh my sweet baby boy.

There is no set in stone time for the memorial at this moment, however right now we are tenatively setting it for Saturday mid morning for those that want to plan to attend.  It will be a celebration of the  wonderful 9 months we were blessed with....oh what a happy boy, oh what a wonderful joy he brought me. 

For those that are wondering we have not heard back about the autopsy, we are in limbo just waiting for that exact thing. Its an excrutiating wait. I think that's all I have the courage and strength to type right now, by heart is starting to bleed and ache...continue your prayers and thanks to all.  Love to all.

Tears are falling

I have no feelings left it seems...just a heaviness and overwhelming emptiness. I've cried, laughed, Remembered, tried to stop myself from remembering...and the emotions have just begun. I may post more to get my feelings out. I miss my sweet boy more than words can express tonight.

A while too long....casts, ponytails and 9 months old.

Its been awhile I know. Things got a little crazy around here with T ball season. Stetson's team has done awesome and got very close to the final game in the play offs. They did a great job and grew so much as a team and on their skills. BUT poor poor Stetson...about 2/3 through the season he broke his arm (of course) and missed out on the rest of the season. But he still had so much fun and learned a lot while he was able to participate. Stetson also had an exciting achievement, he graduated Kindergarten! Such a big boy...growing up into a handsome little man. So hard to let go...

Kinlee has grown so much since my last post as well, she has become little miss attitude and terrible two's have definitely set in!! She is learning new words everyday and becoming more articulate with some words she's had in her vocabulary for awhile. I can't quite believe she is almost two, it seems only yesterday she was born. Oh it goes way too fast!!

Then there is Branson, my teeny big boy. He is definitely gaining weight, just not sure how much yet. He has an appointment Wednesday so we will know soon enough. He is a true joy to be around. So easy going and smiley. Takes alot to get a good laugh out of him, but he will smile that two tooth smile all day at you and scrunch his little nose when he does it. Its a beautiful sight. He is so close to walking, he is just too scared to actually let go of anything. He is constantly on the go and follows his siblings around 85% of the time, but knows how to have a good time by himself also. He loves to babble and says momma when he's tired or hungry mainly.  I can't believe he is 9 months today.

 And finally to summarize our life lately Cody and I just celebrated 5 yrs as a married couple. Its been a crazy beautiful five years. Wouldn't trade a single day....

This is a drawing we had done by a street vendor at Ft. Worth Stockyards. Although it isn't exact it is a general similarity. It was fun anyways.

Thanks for sticking around...I will try to keep up, but life sure does get busy with three little ones.