Anyone who knows me...I mean truly knows me, knows that the Holidays (especially Christmas) is my favorite time of year. The decorating, the happiness, the smiles from my kids, just the whole atmosphere of Christmas is so magical to me and I countdown the days to it every year! I have sooo many traditions and I enjoy every single one! I love the smells, the food and I can't wait to get my Christmas tree up and celebrate my family and the real reason for the season, Jesus. And although I'm still focusing on Jesus and I walk with him daily, because without him I may not be able to get out of bed..I am still having a very hard time getting into the spirit of the season. I keep trying and everytime I try my heart feels like it is bleeding and it physically aches. It just won't be Christmas to me this year. It won't be joyous. I could buy my kids all the toys in the world and give them everything they have ever asked for and their smiles would brighten my day, but the whole season is a struggle to just survive. I hate that I have to have Thanksgiving and Christmas without my baby. I hate that I can't buy him his Christmas pjs or buy him gifts to go under the tree. Everything reminds me of him, every Christmas tradition my family has, has him molded into it and now he isn't here so how can the mold be complete. It just can't and it won't be. We will still celebrate and it will be a great year...but it hurts. Every minute of every day hurts without him here. It's December 4th and my tree is still not up
(usually I want it up before thanksgiving!) and my heart just isn't in it...I want and need so badly to get the decor up, if for no one else than at least for my kids. I wake up everyday knowing its the Holidays, but not feeling it at all. I know its not what those that are gone want for us, but I can't help my pain. many times I imagine who he would be today. His little almost 15 month old self would be walking and getting into things. I see Stetson and Kinlee play and my mind pictures him there..and I wonder how he would be playing with them...what would he be saying...what would bring him the most joy about Christmas? I still imagine myself with three kids. I'm definitely trying to get in the mood for my babies to enjoy this once a year magical joy...and many times I just fake it because they won't notice the difference. There is definitely a dark hole over my Christmas...praying I survive...hoping he continues to show me the little signs that he is still around and watching. The little sun rainbows or a random butterfly. He's here, just not it the way I want him or imagined he would be.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Grief anew
I have an entire other post I've been working on, but today is not the day for that post....today my heart is hurting. Saturday morning I received a phone call...again, one of those phone calls you never want to have, but there I was again having this phone call. A dear college friend of mine passed away. It was a car accident, the details aren't important. Immediately I was sucked back to June and my heart bled again. The last time I spoke to my friend was via text on Branson's birthday. She texted me to tell me she was thinking of me...we texted back and forth a few minutes and caught up on life..and that was it. The last time I had contact with her. This grief is so different, I went through shock much quicker than with Branson and moved quickly to just overwhelming sadness. I cannot stop thinking of her family...oh how I know how they must feel. My heat hurts because I lost a friend, but their hearts hurt bc they've lost a daughter, sister, granddaughter...I want so badly to hold them because I know the pain is so strong, but I also know that there is nothing I can do or say to make it feel any better....they have to go through it in their own way, on their own time.
It has been much harder to accept her death than Branson's. I don't know why, but with Branson I knew immediately his life had fulfilled God's purpose...and although I truly belive that with her as well...I still have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. She was beautiful, so smart, and always tried to make people feel included. It has also brought up feelings that I have tried my hardest to push aside, keep buried down...but now they are out in the open again...salt on my wound. Its hard to explain this grief this time. I feel like I've been drug backwards in my grief instead of forwards. I know God's plan in all of this pain will overcome all and we will be amazed by it all, but in my pit of grief its hard to grasp that for a moment. I beg of those who read this to not only pray for the family today...but continue to remember them...bc as time passes it gets harder. I know for me it has been. People say less and you hurt more...so pray for them for a very long time...they are hurting so deep they need as many prayers not just today...but tomorrow, next week, next month, 5 months from now..a yr from now. The pain comes in waves...so please pleas pray continously! Love to you all.
It has been much harder to accept her death than Branson's. I don't know why, but with Branson I knew immediately his life had fulfilled God's purpose...and although I truly belive that with her as well...I still have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. She was beautiful, so smart, and always tried to make people feel included. It has also brought up feelings that I have tried my hardest to push aside, keep buried down...but now they are out in the open again...salt on my wound. Its hard to explain this grief this time. I feel like I've been drug backwards in my grief instead of forwards. I know God's plan in all of this pain will overcome all and we will be amazed by it all, but in my pit of grief its hard to grasp that for a moment. I beg of those who read this to not only pray for the family today...but continue to remember them...bc as time passes it gets harder. I know for me it has been. People say less and you hurt more...so pray for them for a very long time...they are hurting so deep they need as many prayers not just today...but tomorrow, next week, next month, 5 months from now..a yr from now. The pain comes in waves...so please pleas pray continously! Love to you all.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Circle of Life
I know its been awhile. I have had alot going on these past few months, but mostly I just haven't had the energy to post. Many emotions and new things happened since I posted last I can't really sum it all up. We are doing well and had a great Halloween. Kinlee potty trained herself...seriously her decision and he mastered it. God must have known I needed a break. Stetson has become a reading whiz and I'm so proud of both of them. I have tons of pictures I will post in a seperate blog from Halloween, the pumpkin patch and Branson's memory walk.
Now for the title of the Blog....the circle of life. Talking to my mom last night inspired me and now I must share. As we become adults we know that based on the circle of life some day when we are older and our parents are older that our parents will leave this earth. We are prepared for their death in a way because its a natural process. We are born we get older we die. Losing a child is not a natural process of life and it comes very unprepared in our list of things to be prepared for in life. I still struggle not just day to day but alot of times I struggle minute to minute. I want to fall apart and cry in a heap on the floor because I see a baby Branson's age, but I can't because I'm out in public and how inappropriate that would be. There are minutes I smile because I remember him crawling across the kitchen and in the next minute I want to just give up on what I am doing in the kitchen and go crawl in bed because I feel like life shouldn't go on at that moment. I hate what I'm about to say and although I know its true I really hope people understand what I mean. I've learned over the past 5 months that Life does go on and there is still a circle of life in all we do. I want people to understand that although I realize life goes on as I have had to go on, Life still seems to stand still for me and I still struggle everyday with this. My life has gone on, but I have not moved on and my life will NEVER EVER be the same. I may smile and laugh and joke, but behind each one of those is a world of hurt that I'm just trying to wade through on a daily basis. So remember that each comment you make to me ,or anyone that knew Branson on a personal level, needs to be said with care because the scar is deep and is not healed and words said can be like pouring salt on that wound.
I got a bit off topic, but I had to say what I wanted to say. Now as I said There is a Circle of Life, death brings on life. We are currently living the Circle...We recently found out that we will be bringing another child into this world. I will be 11 wks pregnant on thursday and I'm cautious every single day. Baby number four for us, but this pregnancy has been anything but easy. Over all it has been fine. But everyday my emotions are all over the map. I struggle with being truly happy about it because my fear that something bad will happen, like it just lurking around the corner and it will pounce when I least expect it. I have made it to some criticial points and the chances of miscarriage decrease everyday. I know without a doubt Branson had his hand in this pregnancy. This child was conceived around Branson's birthday and will be due near his death day. What more of a circle of life can you get than that?!
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Now for the title of the Blog....the circle of life. Talking to my mom last night inspired me and now I must share. As we become adults we know that based on the circle of life some day when we are older and our parents are older that our parents will leave this earth. We are prepared for their death in a way because its a natural process. We are born we get older we die. Losing a child is not a natural process of life and it comes very unprepared in our list of things to be prepared for in life. I still struggle not just day to day but alot of times I struggle minute to minute. I want to fall apart and cry in a heap on the floor because I see a baby Branson's age, but I can't because I'm out in public and how inappropriate that would be. There are minutes I smile because I remember him crawling across the kitchen and in the next minute I want to just give up on what I am doing in the kitchen and go crawl in bed because I feel like life shouldn't go on at that moment. I hate what I'm about to say and although I know its true I really hope people understand what I mean. I've learned over the past 5 months that Life does go on and there is still a circle of life in all we do. I want people to understand that although I realize life goes on as I have had to go on, Life still seems to stand still for me and I still struggle everyday with this. My life has gone on, but I have not moved on and my life will NEVER EVER be the same. I may smile and laugh and joke, but behind each one of those is a world of hurt that I'm just trying to wade through on a daily basis. So remember that each comment you make to me ,or anyone that knew Branson on a personal level, needs to be said with care because the scar is deep and is not healed and words said can be like pouring salt on that wound.
I got a bit off topic, but I had to say what I wanted to say. Now as I said There is a Circle of Life, death brings on life. We are currently living the Circle...We recently found out that we will be bringing another child into this world. I will be 11 wks pregnant on thursday and I'm cautious every single day. Baby number four for us, but this pregnancy has been anything but easy. Over all it has been fine. But everyday my emotions are all over the map. I struggle with being truly happy about it because my fear that something bad will happen, like it just lurking around the corner and it will pounce when I least expect it. I have made it to some criticial points and the chances of miscarriage decrease everyday. I know without a doubt Branson had his hand in this pregnancy. This child was conceived around Branson's birthday and will be due near his death day. What more of a circle of life can you get than that?!
Yesterday I spoke with Stetson about it, he has known since I was 7 wks pregnant, but he was missing Branson yesterday so I told him that this baby in my belly already knew all about him and how great a big brother he was and how much fun he was to play with because his baby brother talked to him up in heaven before God but the baby in my belly. He cried, but I do believe those were tears of sadness mixed with happiness to think that something like that could be true. I believe it is true. I know this WHOLE post has been a bit of a jumbled mess, but I guess thats what happens when you don't post for awhile. So much to say and can't get it all organzied. I will leave you with a 6 1/2 week sonogram of our little baby. I have had one more sonogram since at 10 wks, but we did not receive a picture from that sonogram.
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This next photo is how we announced to our immediate family.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Capture Your Grief days 4-7
I do realize that I'm behind, I wasn't feeling well this weekend and I had a super busy weekend anyways.
So Day 4 and 5 to me go together
Day 4: Most treasured item, something you have that relates you do your baby and Day 5: Memorial, something you have done in memory of your child. I say to me both things are the quilt I had made from his clothing. It was made in memory of him and it is the thing I cling to and use everyday. It gives me something to snuggle when he is not there to snuggle with.
Day 6: what not to say, things people have said to you that were not appropriate. Honestly I can think of nothing to put here. Everyone has been kind and thoughtful. I guess if there were inappropriate things said I blocked them out. No picture for this one, just words.
Day 7:what to say, Things said to you that brought you great comfort. The one thing that hit my heart in an amazing way and brought me a new sense of comfort about the whole situation was from my cousin. She lost a child while pregnant and she told me " Branson had something special about him and I like to think that God put him in such an amazing family to keep him smiling because he knew he had to take him early and wanted every moment to be a happy one. He chose you Britni because you are loving and caring and passionate. He chose you because you could take care of his angel before he was called home. Stetson and Kinlee will always remember their brother and how much you all loved him and how special he was." Still brings me comfort to hear these words. I love it and I love her for saying them.
So Day 4 and 5 to me go together
Day 4: Most treasured item, something you have that relates you do your baby and Day 5: Memorial, something you have done in memory of your child. I say to me both things are the quilt I had made from his clothing. It was made in memory of him and it is the thing I cling to and use everyday. It gives me something to snuggle when he is not there to snuggle with.
Day 6: what not to say, things people have said to you that were not appropriate. Honestly I can think of nothing to put here. Everyone has been kind and thoughtful. I guess if there were inappropriate things said I blocked them out. No picture for this one, just words.
Day 7:what to say, Things said to you that brought you great comfort. The one thing that hit my heart in an amazing way and brought me a new sense of comfort about the whole situation was from my cousin. She lost a child while pregnant and she told me " Branson had something special about him and I like to think that God put him in such an amazing family to keep him smiling because he knew he had to take him early and wanted every moment to be a happy one. He chose you Britni because you are loving and caring and passionate. He chose you because you could take care of his angel before he was called home. Stetson and Kinlee will always remember their brother and how much you all loved him and how special he was." Still brings me comfort to hear these words. I love it and I love her for saying them.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
October: Capture Your Grief photograph challenge.
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness and although I'm not quite sure I fit into that category it was still and childloss so to me it counts. There is a photograph challenge for the month of October. 31 days and 31 photographs to "Capture Your Grief" and show it through images. I'm a few days late starting in on this, but I plan on doing this. Here is the originating website: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html
So this is me getting caught up with Days 1-3.
Day 1: Sunrise
This means more to me than just the sun coming up...this means my kids also...they are my sunrise every morning.
Day 2:
Before Loss Self Portrait A photo of me before my loss. This photo was take the weekend before Branson passed away....one of my last happy memories before my life fell apart.
I will post a new blog later tonight about Day 4.
So this is me getting caught up with Days 1-3.
Day 1: Sunrise
This means more to me than just the sun coming up...this means my kids also...they are my sunrise every morning.
Day 2:
Before Loss Self Portrait A photo of me before my loss. This photo was take the weekend before Branson passed away....one of my last happy memories before my life fell apart.
Day 3:
Post Loss Self Portrait. Taken a week or so after he passed away. Trying to figure out my new normal...my new me.
Thank you for reading my blog!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
motherhood post child loss
A sweet friend of mine posted this for me recently and it was amazing to read. Hits all those things I needed to hear!
And it made me realize that this is not something that has been discussed truly from me. How I feel my mothering has changed since Branson passed away. I do try to drink in the small moments and treat all things as major exciting moments now, but right now I feel like I'm losing a battle at being the mom I want to be.
I feel like I'm not as good as I should be, or not as strong as I want to be. I've got a short fuse and I've treated them like they should know how to live life now. When all reality is THEY DON'T KNOW EITHER! Their life has been completely changed, not just because they lost a sibling, but they've lost their strong, happy mother and their normal little lives. They went from a normal childhood of playing with each other, watching cartoons, coloring and laughing, to thinking about death daily, and think about missing their brother daily and trying to figure out why everything seems so different all the time. The house is different, the atmosphere is different. Their life is different, yet I expect them to act the same? Shame on me. I feel like a failure as a mom alot of days. Like I can't keep it together for their sake. I let them get away with more, which usually ends up biting me in the butt later, but I just don't have the strength or will power to fight them. My discipline is inconsistent, alot of times I just say oh well, they'll be fine. And then Stetson is getting so big and he's grown up so much since Branson passed and I'm having to let him go a little. Teaching him how to go outside and play with the neighborhood kids and check in with me and stranger danger....how can I let go of him. I NEED him right here in my house next to me so I know nothing is wrong and nothing will ever be wrong. I am anxious and my stomach is in knots the whole time he is out playing. Not just that, but letting him grow up hurts a little, he's my baby boy. My only boy now...but my first baby. And then it makes me realize that I won't see Branson EVER do any of these things and that hurts so much, so I rush Stetson back inside and tell him its time to calm down just because I can't deal with the pain. How fair is that to him?! How dare I take away his freedom and joy that he needs at his 6 yr old life and treat him like a captive, just so my heart is spared. My life is complicated and hard on a regular basis and I struggle with how to parent children who know such a deep pain. When is enough enough, how hard should I push them, when is it time to just let it be. I think of these constantly and fight with myself on what I'm doing right or wrong. In all reality there is no right or wrong and I'm doing the best I can with something I never was prepared for. I say all of this to say that this article made me realize that this is all normal and ok...this is not easy and it will all work out. I do know my children and I know me...after this I do whatever I can one day at a time and have no regrets because no one can tell me what I'm doing is right or wrong. The only thing guiding me right now minute to minute, hour to hour is God and he will show me what is right and what is wrong. So all those stares I get from people when Kinlee is throwing a fit during dance, WHO CARES, Not always knowing if Stetson is doing ok or functioning as he should after everything he saw, ITS OK....Not knowing if I can breath again without Branson here...I will because God is right there holding me and walking me through my life right now.
And it made me realize that this is not something that has been discussed truly from me. How I feel my mothering has changed since Branson passed away. I do try to drink in the small moments and treat all things as major exciting moments now, but right now I feel like I'm losing a battle at being the mom I want to be.
I feel like I'm not as good as I should be, or not as strong as I want to be. I've got a short fuse and I've treated them like they should know how to live life now. When all reality is THEY DON'T KNOW EITHER! Their life has been completely changed, not just because they lost a sibling, but they've lost their strong, happy mother and their normal little lives. They went from a normal childhood of playing with each other, watching cartoons, coloring and laughing, to thinking about death daily, and think about missing their brother daily and trying to figure out why everything seems so different all the time. The house is different, the atmosphere is different. Their life is different, yet I expect them to act the same? Shame on me. I feel like a failure as a mom alot of days. Like I can't keep it together for their sake. I let them get away with more, which usually ends up biting me in the butt later, but I just don't have the strength or will power to fight them. My discipline is inconsistent, alot of times I just say oh well, they'll be fine. And then Stetson is getting so big and he's grown up so much since Branson passed and I'm having to let him go a little. Teaching him how to go outside and play with the neighborhood kids and check in with me and stranger danger....how can I let go of him. I NEED him right here in my house next to me so I know nothing is wrong and nothing will ever be wrong. I am anxious and my stomach is in knots the whole time he is out playing. Not just that, but letting him grow up hurts a little, he's my baby boy. My only boy now...but my first baby. And then it makes me realize that I won't see Branson EVER do any of these things and that hurts so much, so I rush Stetson back inside and tell him its time to calm down just because I can't deal with the pain. How fair is that to him?! How dare I take away his freedom and joy that he needs at his 6 yr old life and treat him like a captive, just so my heart is spared. My life is complicated and hard on a regular basis and I struggle with how to parent children who know such a deep pain. When is enough enough, how hard should I push them, when is it time to just let it be. I think of these constantly and fight with myself on what I'm doing right or wrong. In all reality there is no right or wrong and I'm doing the best I can with something I never was prepared for. I say all of this to say that this article made me realize that this is all normal and ok...this is not easy and it will all work out. I do know my children and I know me...after this I do whatever I can one day at a time and have no regrets because no one can tell me what I'm doing is right or wrong. The only thing guiding me right now minute to minute, hour to hour is God and he will show me what is right and what is wrong. So all those stares I get from people when Kinlee is throwing a fit during dance, WHO CARES, Not always knowing if Stetson is doing ok or functioning as he should after everything he saw, ITS OK....Not knowing if I can breath again without Branson here...I will because God is right there holding me and walking me through my life right now.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Disconnected
I've been feeling very disconnected from life lately. Like I'm just floating through it. I'm easily agitated, and I hate that. The kids seem to grind on my nerves and all I want to do is enjoy them, love them, cherish every single minute I have with them. I know each minute could be their last and I want each minute to be a happy one, but it so hard when I just want silence and mourning because my heart is broken beyond repair. I'm trying to be in the word and pray constantly for guidance and peace, but it seems right now all God is saying to me in the voice I hear is "mourn, just keep mourning...more will come when its time" I want it to be time though...I NEED it to be time. I need joy and happiness when all there seems to be is this heaviness on my heart and mind. I miss him so much. Lately its become almost like shock again, I cant believe I had a baby and he is gone. my heart skips a beat when I think about it and its like this inbelievable thought. How could something like that EVER happen to me? Its so horrible, yet I'm living it right now. I am sometimes thrown back to the last day I still had three earthly babies and how happy I was. We had just been out of town for the weekend on our 5 yr anniversary trip and we came home to three beautiful babies on Sunday and everything seemed so perfect. I was so happy and full of life and love. I remember thinking that and I remember that feeling of fullness and happiness. Then I remember the feeling of being all my happiness being ripped from me and feeling....empty. Now its not as empty, it is trying to come back to this fullness, but its full of voids and my heart and mind won't let anything continue to heal right now, I'm suspended in time. Feeling this feeling between fullness and emptiness. Void of emotion sometimes.
So much reminds me of him, sweeping the floor, putting Kinlee to bed (I see that emptiness where his crib used to be), dropping Stetson off at school, dropping Kinlee off at the babysitter, picking them up, coming home from school/work which is when I would normally nurse him immediatly, eating dinner, covering up with my new quilt made from his clothing. This time of year, once my favorite, now hurts because it reminds me of when he was born and then reminds me that he's gone. I know this all seems depressive, but my emotions need release I guess and here they come out.
I drive my the old babysitters house twice a day when taking Stetson to school and then when picking him up. It never phased me much, just seeing the house brought a pain. But recently I've looked at it in a different light. Thats the last place he was alive, thats the last place he was himself, all together on this earth and Branson. I sometimes just wanna go look and see the last place he crawled, the last place he cried, the last place he ate, the last place he breathed, the last place his heart beat. I just wanna go see the last place Branson...was the Branson I remember.
Thats a look into my day to day thinking. Never leaves me. I may smile and laugh and be perfectly fine, except in the back of my mind I am probably thinking " the last time I did this Branson was______." I love you Branson Joe. Please heal my heart.
So much reminds me of him, sweeping the floor, putting Kinlee to bed (I see that emptiness where his crib used to be), dropping Stetson off at school, dropping Kinlee off at the babysitter, picking them up, coming home from school/work which is when I would normally nurse him immediatly, eating dinner, covering up with my new quilt made from his clothing. This time of year, once my favorite, now hurts because it reminds me of when he was born and then reminds me that he's gone. I know this all seems depressive, but my emotions need release I guess and here they come out.
I drive my the old babysitters house twice a day when taking Stetson to school and then when picking him up. It never phased me much, just seeing the house brought a pain. But recently I've looked at it in a different light. Thats the last place he was alive, thats the last place he was himself, all together on this earth and Branson. I sometimes just wanna go look and see the last place he crawled, the last place he cried, the last place he ate, the last place he breathed, the last place his heart beat. I just wanna go see the last place Branson...was the Branson I remember.
Thats a look into my day to day thinking. Never leaves me. I may smile and laugh and be perfectly fine, except in the back of my mind I am probably thinking " the last time I did this Branson was______." I love you Branson Joe. Please heal my heart.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Fading memories
I've been trying to think all day what I should write here and how I should describe my feelings. I have nothing profound or life changing to say today. It's the same as everyday, nothing I haven't said in the past three months. But as I sat down to write and share with yall I realized what I needed, or maybe just wanted to share. a very short version of his Birth story..and whatever my brain writes after that we shall see.
September 10, 2012
My water broke and I was in active Labor, FINALLY!! The csection date had been looming over my head and my chances of a VBAC were dwindling. But here my baby was coming just two days before my scheduled csection!! Praise God! I labored all day, painfully I might add, but he took his sweet time. 24 hrs after I woke with my first contraction he was born. 2:46 am September 11, 2011. My world stopped and changed completely. I remember him not crying for a long time. I was so scared something was wrong and kept asking if he was ok, but no one was listening to me, no one was answering my question! Finally I heard his little cry and all was right with the world. It seemed forever before they finally brought him to me and he looked at me with those little man eyes and I was lost. So in love. He was so perfect, more than I had imagined. I remember one of the first thoughts I had was "he looks so much like his daddy" He was so different from my other kids. He was so calm and quiet and attentive right away. I was so blessed, I had been given a gift, more than I knew at the time.
My memories I've had today have all been good memories. Thats really all I have with Branson is good memories. There is not one bad memory I have with him involved. He was calm with his Big brother and Big sister. Never once caring if they took his toy, or got in his face or even ignored him. He would always just move right on not having a care in the world. The only truly bad memory I have is that horrible day. June 12, 2012. His day.
I remember every detail of him and his life. But it seems to fade some days. I have breaks in the clear memories now. And I've forgotten the warmth of holding him closely, smelling his sweet smell and touching is soft little cheeks as he slept snuggled in my arms. The things I miss the most and I've forgotten the feeling. Then there are moments those feelings slap me in the face and my arms and heart ache for the feeling once again. Just holding him and touching him once more. I cannot describe my feelings to you all today. It's beyond explanation, because I never wished to have to explain this.
But I can say this:
I miss him so much it hurts, I miss being able to hold babies with joy, I miss his smile, I miss his presence, I miss the love he showed. I miss more than I have time to write here. The scary part is that early on I could still feel him, ya know that presence that he is just right there making sure you're ok...But now, he seems farther away. I don't always feel him close anymore. Those days are the days that hurt, physically hurt. Today was one of those days. I wanted him close, I NEEDED him close to my heart because I missed him far beyond what I imagined I would on this, his Birthday, so I close my eyes tighter and tighter so I can see him and imagine him being with me and the memory seems old, dingy. Like an old photograph. Just a memory.
I do know that God is holding me and although I didn't see my rainbow today or feel his presence, Branson is with God. They are holding back the pain of feeling his closeness maybe, or waiting for a day better suited. I'm really not sure, but I know it will come soon. One of those days I can feel him everywhere I go. I hold onto that hope and the hope that God has a plan. I'm sticking to it, I know he does. No doubt in my mind. The ball is started rolling, now I just need to give it time to pick up speed.
Looking back, this whole post seems a jumbled mess, but hopefully it portrays my mind today. Very unclear, and very pained.
I love you my sweet baby boy. Happy Birthday, a day I will always remember. A day my life was forever changed.
September 10, 2012
My water broke and I was in active Labor, FINALLY!! The csection date had been looming over my head and my chances of a VBAC were dwindling. But here my baby was coming just two days before my scheduled csection!! Praise God! I labored all day, painfully I might add, but he took his sweet time. 24 hrs after I woke with my first contraction he was born. 2:46 am September 11, 2011. My world stopped and changed completely. I remember him not crying for a long time. I was so scared something was wrong and kept asking if he was ok, but no one was listening to me, no one was answering my question! Finally I heard his little cry and all was right with the world. It seemed forever before they finally brought him to me and he looked at me with those little man eyes and I was lost. So in love. He was so perfect, more than I had imagined. I remember one of the first thoughts I had was "he looks so much like his daddy" He was so different from my other kids. He was so calm and quiet and attentive right away. I was so blessed, I had been given a gift, more than I knew at the time.
My memories I've had today have all been good memories. Thats really all I have with Branson is good memories. There is not one bad memory I have with him involved. He was calm with his Big brother and Big sister. Never once caring if they took his toy, or got in his face or even ignored him. He would always just move right on not having a care in the world. The only truly bad memory I have is that horrible day. June 12, 2012. His day.
I remember every detail of him and his life. But it seems to fade some days. I have breaks in the clear memories now. And I've forgotten the warmth of holding him closely, smelling his sweet smell and touching is soft little cheeks as he slept snuggled in my arms. The things I miss the most and I've forgotten the feeling. Then there are moments those feelings slap me in the face and my arms and heart ache for the feeling once again. Just holding him and touching him once more. I cannot describe my feelings to you all today. It's beyond explanation, because I never wished to have to explain this.
But I can say this:
I miss him so much it hurts, I miss being able to hold babies with joy, I miss his smile, I miss his presence, I miss the love he showed. I miss more than I have time to write here. The scary part is that early on I could still feel him, ya know that presence that he is just right there making sure you're ok...But now, he seems farther away. I don't always feel him close anymore. Those days are the days that hurt, physically hurt. Today was one of those days. I wanted him close, I NEEDED him close to my heart because I missed him far beyond what I imagined I would on this, his Birthday, so I close my eyes tighter and tighter so I can see him and imagine him being with me and the memory seems old, dingy. Like an old photograph. Just a memory.
I do know that God is holding me and although I didn't see my rainbow today or feel his presence, Branson is with God. They are holding back the pain of feeling his closeness maybe, or waiting for a day better suited. I'm really not sure, but I know it will come soon. One of those days I can feel him everywhere I go. I hold onto that hope and the hope that God has a plan. I'm sticking to it, I know he does. No doubt in my mind. The ball is started rolling, now I just need to give it time to pick up speed.
Looking back, this whole post seems a jumbled mess, but hopefully it portrays my mind today. Very unclear, and very pained.
I love you my sweet baby boy. Happy Birthday, a day I will always remember. A day my life was forever changed.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
They're growing like weeds...
Its two weeks into school and I have yet to post about the start of school for Stetson. It's been a great year so far. He was looking forward to it and has jumped back in right where he left off. He's reading like a whiz kid and his writing is already better and he's just growing up right before my very eyes. It's crazy to think how he's already 6 years old. What an amazing little boy. He's something special and he's going to do amazing things as he continues to grow, he has such a big and sensitive heart. He'll be a great man someday.
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Here are our first day of First Grade pictures!
Also sInce right before school started Stetson has had a few loose teeth. And finally last weekend his first tooth fell out! He was so shocked because it came out while he was eating and he bit down on it. Like I say, such a big boy now.
Kinlee has changed so much not only in the past 3-6 months but even more in the past month since her birthday! She's talking so much more and has DEFINITELY hit the terrible two's. We lucked out with Stetson because I think he skipped this stage, or maybe its worse with her because she's a girl..but Goodness Gracious someone must save me soon...I will rip the hair out of my head soon!
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She has begun to show interest in potty training. We aren't starting yet, just allowing her to go when she asks and when she does ask, she usually goes so its a work in progress. The next step is taking away the pacifier. I hate that she's had it this long, but she loves that thing and right now I am not strong enough emotionally to fight that battle with her, so she continues to use it. It is restricted to mainly bedtime, but she'll try to use it whenever. I can't believe that she isn't my little baby anymore. It's crazy.
This then leads to the thoughts of how crazy it is that I should be holding a little one year old (my "baby") and I'm not and that hurts too. See how all my thoughts lead back to him. He will always be a part of my thoughts and a part of my dreams. *sigh*
Busy Busy Busy
So much going on lately I have had little time, or energy to blog. School starting, dance, soccer...the kids keep me busy. I will post about them later tonight. They are both growing so much and what a joy it is to see.
Branson's birthday celebration is this Sunday September 9 from 5-7 at our house. Smoked brisket, chicken, sausage, potato salad, rolls, beans and cupcakes. It's gonna be a blast and a way to remember my sweet boy that I miss more and more each day. He has changed my heart so much. If you plan on coming just let me know via email, fb message or in a comment.
Also coming up is the Memory walk for Branson. It is October 6th in Irving at 1pm. I will post the address and more info as we get closer. We are ordering shirts in Memory of Branson also so If you would like to order one let me know how you can get the money to me (paypal can be available) and follow this link to sign up: http://www.customink.com/signup/1e1wdex0.
Thanks everyone!
Branson's birthday celebration is this Sunday September 9 from 5-7 at our house. Smoked brisket, chicken, sausage, potato salad, rolls, beans and cupcakes. It's gonna be a blast and a way to remember my sweet boy that I miss more and more each day. He has changed my heart so much. If you plan on coming just let me know via email, fb message or in a comment.
Also coming up is the Memory walk for Branson. It is October 6th in Irving at 1pm. I will post the address and more info as we get closer. We are ordering shirts in Memory of Branson also so If you would like to order one let me know how you can get the money to me (paypal can be available) and follow this link to sign up: http://www.customink.com/signup/1e1wdex0.
Thanks everyone!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
My dark storm
It keeps inching closer and closer...feeling darker and darker...a cloud looming over head and I'm just waiting for the lightning, thunder and pouring rain. I usually love rain/thunderstorms...but this storm I wish was a perfect fall day instead. I would enjoy that much more. This storm is suffocating and throbbingly painful. This storm is the first birthday of a son who lives in heaven and it is no longer a happy celebratory event, but instead a reminder of the one thing I can never celebrate with him. His birthday. Everyday it inches closer to this and everyday I breath a little harder. I'm sure the actual day will be like any other, but its not so much the actual day that is painful. It is the time leading up to it and the idea of what it should have been. The thoughts of who he would be today and what he would be doing. Its the reminder that he's gone. Sure I'm reminded of that 24/7, but this is the salt on the wound.
I try my best to look all put together and happy..and although I am happy ( I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful earthly babies to show me happiness) I am also torn apart inside. I have trouble finding happiness in small places anymore. I remember just a few months ago..probably May, my coworkers telling me that it was amazing how happy I could be first thing in the morning with all that I do all the time with three kids. It felt good to know that I showed happiness all the time. I feel close to God right now, the veil between him and me seems thin because he is my anchor, but I also feel in a dark place. How can these two things coexist. I feel lonely and lost and misguided. None of this should be how I feel, but I do. God is my only strength right now, he is the one that whispers in my ear every morning to open my eyes and get out of bed. He whispers to me that today is a good day with a gentle breeze that feels so perfect or that rainbow someone posts on facebook for me. He whispers to smile, to laugh, to find joy. He whispers to me all day long so I can find my peace and happiness again. Yet still, Somedays I just want the day to be over...I just want to be done with it and go to bed. I struggle to make it through the day, just waiting for the peace and quiet. The time I can lay down and all my worries can be saved til tomorrow. And ,of course, in these quiet moments God speaks to me the most. Everyday he shows me that He has a promise for me ...a life, far beyond my expectations if I could just completely give him control. Why is this so hard? I am at a weak, breaking point where I honestly have no choice but to give him control and I can only give it to him a little at a time. Like I don't fully trust him. Sounds ridiculous I know. Oh how I pray I can turn over my control to him...I want that life he has planned for me. I am constantly repeating one of my favorites verses to myself: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
There will come a day (hopefully soon) where I can post more positives. look forward to this day....because I most certainly do.
I try my best to look all put together and happy..and although I am happy ( I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful earthly babies to show me happiness) I am also torn apart inside. I have trouble finding happiness in small places anymore. I remember just a few months ago..probably May, my coworkers telling me that it was amazing how happy I could be first thing in the morning with all that I do all the time with three kids. It felt good to know that I showed happiness all the time. I feel close to God right now, the veil between him and me seems thin because he is my anchor, but I also feel in a dark place. How can these two things coexist. I feel lonely and lost and misguided. None of this should be how I feel, but I do. God is my only strength right now, he is the one that whispers in my ear every morning to open my eyes and get out of bed. He whispers to me that today is a good day with a gentle breeze that feels so perfect or that rainbow someone posts on facebook for me. He whispers to smile, to laugh, to find joy. He whispers to me all day long so I can find my peace and happiness again. Yet still, Somedays I just want the day to be over...I just want to be done with it and go to bed. I struggle to make it through the day, just waiting for the peace and quiet. The time I can lay down and all my worries can be saved til tomorrow. And ,of course, in these quiet moments God speaks to me the most. Everyday he shows me that He has a promise for me ...a life, far beyond my expectations if I could just completely give him control. Why is this so hard? I am at a weak, breaking point where I honestly have no choice but to give him control and I can only give it to him a little at a time. Like I don't fully trust him. Sounds ridiculous I know. Oh how I pray I can turn over my control to him...I want that life he has planned for me. I am constantly repeating one of my favorites verses to myself: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
There will come a day (hopefully soon) where I can post more positives. look forward to this day....because I most certainly do.
Friday, August 24, 2012
The unanswered question you've all been waiting for...
What happened to Branson Joe Brannon?
Honestly we do not know. He was just gone. He was healthy and perfect and not a thing was wrong with him, and he just died. no explanation, no reason. Just gone. The autopsy showed nothing, the toxicology came back this week and it showed nothing of great cause. His white blood cells were elevated, which shows a sign of possibly some kind of infection, but they were unable to determine what kind, if any he had. Also noted was that thirty minutes after being found with no heartbeat his temperature was elevated at 101 at least. Which is extremely high for someone who has been deceased for 30 minutes, for at least 30 minutes..who knows how long his heart stopped before they ambulance arrived to work on him. So the answers to all those questions going on in everyone's mind is ...we don't know. We don't know much of anything except who Branson was and what he is doing in this world after he has left us. I truly think there is a much bigger plan to this. This isn't just a simple case of he was here and he is gone now. There is going to be a bigger picture. An amazing thing that comes of this! I know it will!!
Now for all of you out there automatically assuming SIDS, this is not the case. It was stated with certainty but the cps worker, the police AND the medical examiner that it was not considered SIDS. He was too old and the other small factors I previously stated ruled that out. His cause of death is "undetermined" as stated by the medical examiner on his death certificate. It truly is a mystery why he left us. I don't think an actual cause of death would have helped me, I think his cause of death is greater than any of us can see or conceive. He was too much for this world. His cause was greater than we can see right now...it is being revealed to us a little at a time.
I miss him more and more everyday and my heartaches with every new memory formed without him here. I constantly feel like he should be here and still have a hard time realizing that he's not. I never knew you could miss someone this much and never knew your heart could hurt so badly. I do know that I have learned and continue to learn so much not just about myself, but about the love of Jesus Christ my Saviour. He loves me and will see me through this with his glory. There WILLbe a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow. And Branson will be there waiting with his crooked little smile.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Will there be a Fall for me?
Its coming up on my favorite time of year. Fall. I love the cool crisp breeze, the leavings falling, there's a certain smell in the air, pumpkin spice latte's and apple cinnamon smell around the house. The time of year I always increase my love of baking and just enjoy life. Its full of Holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all thrown together for a big three month party session. I'm always counting down the days until September 1st because to me that marks the beginning of fall. Thats when the decorations can come out and I can officially go in all out fall baking mode. I look forward to it all year and long for it to start.
This year...
This year I don't care. It could be 110, 65 or 25 outside and it wouldn't make a difference to me. I'm not counting down the days, I'm not excited about pumpkin spice latte's or fall decorations. The decorations probably won't even go up this year. I am not looking forward to any of the holidays and frankly I just don't care. Everyday is a just a day to me. I'm still looking for my purpose and still trying to find the reason for all of this. The joy has been sucked out of me. I know that I will find joy in it, I will get caught up in moments. Stetson and Kinlee trick or treating, opening Santa gifts or making all the crafts I've got lined up for the holidays. But each moment and each memory will be covered by this cloud that I'm missing out on the memories of him being there.
I can't buy him a halloween shirt, or make him another thanksgiving shirt like I did last year. No trick or treating, he never even tasted thanksgiving food, no Santa or presents...nothing for him. Branson is gone. He won't get to enjoy his first Birthday or get to see snow or feel that cool crisp breeze as he runs around the back yard. So my favorite time of year seems tainted now. At least for this year it won't be as joyful as it used to be. I'm hoping the joy returns soon, I'm hoping as fall sets in and I will find joy in it. Maybe it will be enlightening and God will speak to me through the time I so enjoy and look forward too. Doesn't God always do that though. Speak to use, and mold us from our innermost being and joys and heartaches.
I know God is molding me. I can see it happening in my mind. He keeps adding clay and changing and forming me....he put some clay on to make something beautiful, then took it away, leaving a mark..an empty spot where this clay used to be. But it wasn't a mistake, he didn't put the clay on and then change his mind and take it off. He did it on purpose, because when he removed this chunk of clay from the me he is molding, It left an imprint, a mark. This mark is what makes me, one of his masterpieces, beautiful. Its what makes me unique. It was all done on purpose, and this mark will be what shapes the rest of me. The rest of his artwork. This has now become the center of what I am to be designed around. I still have chunks of clay to be added and molded and formed to me. But this....this mark will never change and will always be there. This is God's purpose....this is my mark.
This year...
This year I don't care. It could be 110, 65 or 25 outside and it wouldn't make a difference to me. I'm not counting down the days, I'm not excited about pumpkin spice latte's or fall decorations. The decorations probably won't even go up this year. I am not looking forward to any of the holidays and frankly I just don't care. Everyday is a just a day to me. I'm still looking for my purpose and still trying to find the reason for all of this. The joy has been sucked out of me. I know that I will find joy in it, I will get caught up in moments. Stetson and Kinlee trick or treating, opening Santa gifts or making all the crafts I've got lined up for the holidays. But each moment and each memory will be covered by this cloud that I'm missing out on the memories of him being there.
I can't buy him a halloween shirt, or make him another thanksgiving shirt like I did last year. No trick or treating, he never even tasted thanksgiving food, no Santa or presents...nothing for him. Branson is gone. He won't get to enjoy his first Birthday or get to see snow or feel that cool crisp breeze as he runs around the back yard. So my favorite time of year seems tainted now. At least for this year it won't be as joyful as it used to be. I'm hoping the joy returns soon, I'm hoping as fall sets in and I will find joy in it. Maybe it will be enlightening and God will speak to me through the time I so enjoy and look forward too. Doesn't God always do that though. Speak to use, and mold us from our innermost being and joys and heartaches.
I know God is molding me. I can see it happening in my mind. He keeps adding clay and changing and forming me....he put some clay on to make something beautiful, then took it away, leaving a mark..an empty spot where this clay used to be. But it wasn't a mistake, he didn't put the clay on and then change his mind and take it off. He did it on purpose, because when he removed this chunk of clay from the me he is molding, It left an imprint, a mark. This mark is what makes me, one of his masterpieces, beautiful. Its what makes me unique. It was all done on purpose, and this mark will be what shapes the rest of me. The rest of his artwork. This has now become the center of what I am to be designed around. I still have chunks of clay to be added and molded and formed to me. But this....this mark will never change and will always be there. This is God's purpose....this is my mark.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Stetson Layne, my sweet (big) boy
I can't believe he is 6 years old today! 6 years ago I was introduced to this wonderful life as a mother, I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything in the world. He is such an amazing sweet boy I am so blessed to have been given this sweet boy.
What Stetson is to me? He is sweet, cuddly, a mommas boy and so full of life. He is so smart and inquisitive. I know I'm too hard on him sometimes and I try not to be, but it just happens. I am working on it! I want him to explore life and know his passion and know his future without a doubt in his mind, I want him to know his purpose and love life!
He has taught me a mothers love and shown me a son's love. The love from a son is something to be cherised, it is amazing. The love of a daughter is amazing too, but it is a different type of amazing love that Kinlee shows me. He's so much like me in his personality, shy but crazy too. He's easily embarrased and thinks about stuff for a long time before talking about it. He is starting to blossom and become this amazing little kid, not a baby anymore. He's really growing up right before my very eyes, life is too short. He has also taught me patience, how to have fun with life, how to be a kid again, how to show excitement, how to be a little boy and how to have faith in God that only a child can have.
He is also an amazing big brother. Kinlee and Branson couldn't have gotten a better pick. He loves them so much and is always wanting to help them. He tries to teach them so much. He kisses Kinlee and loves loves loves to play with her. Wish he didn't have to know the pain of losing anyone so young, especially someone he loved and begged for. He wanted that brother so bad, what an amazing brother he was given and what a wonderful brother he was in return. What a happy, wonderful kid he is growing up to be! So excited to see how the continues to grow and become a man of God. So proud to call that little boy my son.
He is also an amazing big brother. Kinlee and Branson couldn't have gotten a better pick. He loves them so much and is always wanting to help them. He tries to teach them so much. He kisses Kinlee and loves loves loves to play with her. Wish he didn't have to know the pain of losing anyone so young, especially someone he loved and begged for. He wanted that brother so bad, what an amazing brother he was given and what a wonderful brother he was in return. What a happy, wonderful kid he is growing up to be! So excited to see how the continues to grow and become a man of God. So proud to call that little boy my son.
This morning I booby trapped his room...he didn't show as much excitement as I was hoping for, but he did enjoy it I think. He had to bust out of his room and he had balloons in his room, 6 for how old he is. Tonight is present and a big cooke and his requested dinner. I'm so excited to see him have fun on his birthday. The day he deserves.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Hard month number 2 (sorry so long...it just kept coming!)
2 months. 2 months! 2 months? How is this possible?!
He would have been 11 months old yesterday and today he's been gone two months. This second month has been harder than the first. Its harder to get out of bed, its harder to find a reason to smile, its harder to be kind when I'm hurting inside. I still try and hope that I am being Christ like everyday, but sometimes I don't feel like it. I hope you'll forgive me if I'm a little short or take time to respond to your kindness. I cry almost everyday now, where as last month I would go days unable to cry. I know crying is healing and it will help me heal, I don't mind the tears, the tears are welcome..almost a relief from the pain. But the relief is temporary. I've also had more moments this month where I forgot he was gone. Those were the moments that hurt the most. I would be thinking of what to make him for dinner since our dinner wasn't suitable for him to chew or swallow or I would wonder where he had crawled off to, then I realized " oh yeah he's gone, none of those things matter." I ache for him, I hate that I do, because I know that he is in a place I cannot even begin to imagine and he is full of joy and happiness, he is happier in Heaven than he was even at his happiest moment here on earth, but I'm selfish and I want my baby back. I know he can't come back. Which leads to me another hard part of this all. Stetson and his pain. He had seemed to be doing well with this all, and for the most part I think he is ( as best as you can do when you loose a sibling) But recently he's started asking if Branson is gonna come back again. The other day he said to me " If I ask God if Branson can come back when he is older can he do that? I think he can...I'm gonna ask." Then he kept right one coloring ...oh to have the faith of a child. Stetson just knew if he asked God to do it he would do it and that was that. Cody and I had to tell Stetson that although God can do anything this was not something that was going to happen, Branson was in heaven forever now. I keeps telling me he misses him and loves him and wants to see him! What am I supposed to do?! I can't heal his hurt too. I try to be strong for him, but I think letting him see me weak in some moments will let him know that it is ok to be weak, that this is a horrible thing that makes that ok. Oh that poor boy...poor Kinlee, poor Cody ...poor me. Poor everyone who knew him!! I hate going through this. Trying to find a purpose.
I am going to post two songs today that help explain my heart and mind. I won't post the entire song, just the part that pertains to what I'm feeling...but I will put the title and artist so you can youtube it and listen to the whole thing if you choose.
"One more day" Diamond Rio
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you
But I know what it would do...keep me wishing still for one more day with you.
The other song I heard today on the way home from church. Although I've heard it before and I liked it before..it really hits some true feelings for me and it's been on my mind ever since I heard it
"Blessings" Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/laura_story/blessings.html ]
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
ok I posted that whole song, but its the chorus that really hits me the most. Please take the time to really read the lyrics, because music has always been a key to my heart and a way I connect not only with myself and my feelings, but its how I connect with the Lord and worship him. When I'm singing a song to him is when I feel the closest to him. There now you all know my secret, I'm a shower, cooking and driving singer. Just ask my kids, they have to listen to it all the time. I love music and how it can reach down and touch my soul. Thanks to you all and love you all.
Britni
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
8 wks
8 weeks ago at this moment I was holding my little boy praying he would miraculously take a breath and my nightmare would be over. How does 8 weeks fly by so quickly? I hear him sometimes, like he is in the other room stuck under something and I need to go drag him out again. He was always getting into everything. Wish I could wake up with him in my arms. When will my heart feel unempty...when will it feel like its not bleeding anymore?. Not much more I can say than I haven't already said over the past 8 wks, but I can say this, that God is working miracles through my little boy and I feel blessed to have been given the chance to bring him life and know him. I love you sweet baby boy and will hold onto you forever and like I used to say every morning when I dropped him off at the babysitters: "I'll see you later baby boy, love you!" kiss kiss
Monday, August 6, 2012
My nighttime thoughts
I wrote this last night....but didn't post it. Just now getting around to putting it out there :)
It's 11:30 at night.. Everyone's been asleep for a few hrs and here I am pondering. So many thoughts, memories and ideas floating around in my head. I love the memories because they keep him fresh in my mind, sometimes when I think on a memory if I close my eyes and let myself get lost in it, it almost feels as if he's still here and there are more memories to be made. Like I am laying right next to him and he is just sound asleep with his sweet little smell. But eventually I must open my eyes and the realization that he's gone comes once again. The one memory I can quite grasp is that Tuesday morning when he woke at 5am to nurse. It was early, I was tired... I didn't think it would be the last time I nursed him, so I made it through it, and we went back to sleep. Now I can't remember the last time I nursed him. The memory is kinda there, but not really... It's mixed in with all those other morning nursing sessions. I can't remember that one time! I want to so badly, but I can't.
Thoughts I have are about my past, but mostly my future. Where do I go from here? How many more kids shall we have? Will I know the pain of losing another child? How will Stetson be affected by this? I know Kinlee might be too, but she is so young the memories will fade. Stetson though, Oh I wish I could take away this pain from him, I wish I could take away the memories he has of that day, I wish he never had to know what it felt like to have a brother and lose him. He wanted a brother soooo badly! Will God use this terrible thing to bring people to him that may not have known him before? Oh I can only hope it will! I hope I can reach out to someone and show them this amazing God we have. God doesn't cause pain for no reason...he has a plan, there is a purpose. I know I say this over and over. Sometimes I need reminding myself, the pain is overwhelming and I need to remind myself that there is a purpose and a reason. God is in control now. So many thoughts to sort through.
Ideas on what to do with this? I have a few... Keeping those to myself for now, but I want to shout from the rooftops not just about my sweet baby boy Branson Joe... But about my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ who has plans for me!! " "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future!" Jeremiah 29:11 I feel like everyone should know this! He gives and takes away...But my heart must choose to say Lord blessed be your name. I know without a doubt that Branson was on this earth to bring people to Christ. In turn that will bring people to heaven! Amazing little boy he was...I hope you all get to meet him one day, on the other side of those pearly gates!
It's 11:30 at night.. Everyone's been asleep for a few hrs and here I am pondering. So many thoughts, memories and ideas floating around in my head. I love the memories because they keep him fresh in my mind, sometimes when I think on a memory if I close my eyes and let myself get lost in it, it almost feels as if he's still here and there are more memories to be made. Like I am laying right next to him and he is just sound asleep with his sweet little smell. But eventually I must open my eyes and the realization that he's gone comes once again. The one memory I can quite grasp is that Tuesday morning when he woke at 5am to nurse. It was early, I was tired... I didn't think it would be the last time I nursed him, so I made it through it, and we went back to sleep. Now I can't remember the last time I nursed him. The memory is kinda there, but not really... It's mixed in with all those other morning nursing sessions. I can't remember that one time! I want to so badly, but I can't.
Thoughts I have are about my past, but mostly my future. Where do I go from here? How many more kids shall we have? Will I know the pain of losing another child? How will Stetson be affected by this? I know Kinlee might be too, but she is so young the memories will fade. Stetson though, Oh I wish I could take away this pain from him, I wish I could take away the memories he has of that day, I wish he never had to know what it felt like to have a brother and lose him. He wanted a brother soooo badly! Will God use this terrible thing to bring people to him that may not have known him before? Oh I can only hope it will! I hope I can reach out to someone and show them this amazing God we have. God doesn't cause pain for no reason...he has a plan, there is a purpose. I know I say this over and over. Sometimes I need reminding myself, the pain is overwhelming and I need to remind myself that there is a purpose and a reason. God is in control now. So many thoughts to sort through.
Ideas on what to do with this? I have a few... Keeping those to myself for now, but I want to shout from the rooftops not just about my sweet baby boy Branson Joe... But about my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ who has plans for me!! " "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future!" Jeremiah 29:11 I feel like everyone should know this! He gives and takes away...But my heart must choose to say Lord blessed be your name. I know without a doubt that Branson was on this earth to bring people to Christ. In turn that will bring people to heaven! Amazing little boy he was...I hope you all get to meet him one day, on the other side of those pearly gates!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
my new sweet niece
They delivered in Ft Worth so we were able to go love on Harper last Sunday. My mother in law, father in law, both sister in laws and brother in laws were there. AND my 13 day old nephew and 3 yr old nephew were there. It was amazing to be there all together to celebrate this joy being brought into this world, the precious gifts from God we've had brought into our lives the past few weeks. It was also very hard for me. I cried as we walked away down the hallway...I wanted my baby to hold so badly that it physically hurt. Oh I miss him so much.
Friday, August 3, 2012
My Beautiful blessing and happy girl
I cannot begin to express how happy I am to have been blessed with such a wonderful little girl. We tried so hard for about 2 yrs to conceive her and oh didn't God know what he was doing to make us wait!
What has Kinlee done to bring me happines over the past 2yrs. She brought me that wonderful feeling of knowing the bond of mother and daughter. She is so full of joy, laughs at everything and never holds back. She's one stubborn little toot though, Ms. Independent and its her way or the no way at all. She's not much on snuggling or cuddling so when you get those snuggles or cuddles from her its a precious, cherished moment. She has taught me: to smile when days are hard, to forget my worries, to laugh just because I can, to cherish the little moments, to learn self confidence in myself. She is so full of confidence and so outgoing. She talks to everyone (even thought you only understand the hi and bye part), she loves loves her daddy and papa's, she loves her brother(s) so much. She follows Stetson around and copys what he is doing 90% of the time. She also knows how to teach Stetson a lesson LOL!! She will put him in his place if he makes her mad! Its hilarious to see! She loves her baby brother. Sad that I can't call her a big sister anymore, she will always be one though. She still asks for him on occasion and if she sees a baby that is smaller she calls the baby Branson. She had so much love for him.
She is one beautful, spunky, joyful little girl. I have learned so much from her and know she will continue to teach me. She finds joy in the smallest things, I need that in my life and I think God knew that. She is so more amazing than I can even put into words. She's perfect. God's gift and blessing to me. Oh how thankful I am. Somedays she's gives me a reason to muster up that smile that I don't feel like doing. God is amazing creating such a wonderful little girl just for me. Thank you God for my beautiful happy little girl.
What has Kinlee done to bring me happines over the past 2yrs. She brought me that wonderful feeling of knowing the bond of mother and daughter. She is so full of joy, laughs at everything and never holds back. She's one stubborn little toot though, Ms. Independent and its her way or the no way at all. She's not much on snuggling or cuddling so when you get those snuggles or cuddles from her its a precious, cherished moment. She has taught me: to smile when days are hard, to forget my worries, to laugh just because I can, to cherish the little moments, to learn self confidence in myself. She is so full of confidence and so outgoing. She talks to everyone (even thought you only understand the hi and bye part), she loves loves her daddy and papa's, she loves her brother(s) so much. She follows Stetson around and copys what he is doing 90% of the time. She also knows how to teach Stetson a lesson LOL!! She will put him in his place if he makes her mad! Its hilarious to see! She loves her baby brother. Sad that I can't call her a big sister anymore, she will always be one though. She still asks for him on occasion and if she sees a baby that is smaller she calls the baby Branson. She had so much love for him.
She is one beautful, spunky, joyful little girl. I have learned so much from her and know she will continue to teach me. She finds joy in the smallest things, I need that in my life and I think God knew that. She is so more amazing than I can even put into words. She's perfect. God's gift and blessing to me. Oh how thankful I am. Somedays she's gives me a reason to muster up that smile that I don't feel like doing. God is amazing creating such a wonderful little girl just for me. Thank you God for my beautiful happy little girl.
My sweet girl in her two yr pictures!! Beautiful!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Gets easier with time
You've all heard the saying, I'm sure, that it "gets easier with time" When is that?! What time?! When does it get easier?!!! If you were to ask me I would say it gets harder before it gets easier. It is harder now, maybe because reality has set in, maybe because time has passed without him...but everyday it seems harder to breath, harder to believe this is my life now, harder to put one foot in front of the other at times. I can say that what has gotten easier is dealing with the pain. I am better able to manage pain on a daily basis, but then out of nowhere it hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel sucked right back to where I was the moment I found out he was gone from me and returned to his heavenly father. I feel that deep hole and it feels like my heart is bleeding. It is a pain so undescribable, it just aches from within. Its paralyzing. And then its gone almost as quickly as it came. But you never see it coming so you are never prepared for it, and since you are never prepared for it the pain lingers, like an ache for the rest of the hour or day, however long it takes you to recover from the sudden impact of pain. The difference between 7wks ago and now, I'm less numb and more aware. Its not so new and unthinkable. I've lived without him now and that makes it hurt more.
So for those that ask how am I doing...the answer is always different. some moments I'm ok because I've learned to manage the pain, sometimes I'm crippled in my pain, sometimes I just ache, but most times even with all of these feelings I always have a feeling of peace. Not just because I know he is in heaven, but also because I know there is a purpose for my pain AND that I will see him again someday. Thats what keeps me going, thats what pushes me through. My other children are my life and they definitely keep me going, but like I say..the pain can be paralyzing, so in those moments I have to remember I will see BRANSON again someday so the pain tones down to an ache. Please don't stop asking me how I am, please don't stop talking about him and please don't let my kids forget. When people stop asking it seems as though he's forgotten and I never want him to be forgotten. His purpose on this earth is far beyond my understanding right now. so please share or speak of him, it doesn't hurt as bad as you think. Its not as uncomfortable as you think. Its happy when people speak of him, its joyous to hear memories! SHARE!
So for those that ask how am I doing...the answer is always different. some moments I'm ok because I've learned to manage the pain, sometimes I'm crippled in my pain, sometimes I just ache, but most times even with all of these feelings I always have a feeling of peace. Not just because I know he is in heaven, but also because I know there is a purpose for my pain AND that I will see him again someday. Thats what keeps me going, thats what pushes me through. My other children are my life and they definitely keep me going, but like I say..the pain can be paralyzing, so in those moments I have to remember I will see BRANSON again someday so the pain tones down to an ache. Please don't stop asking me how I am, please don't stop talking about him and please don't let my kids forget. When people stop asking it seems as though he's forgotten and I never want him to be forgotten. His purpose on this earth is far beyond my understanding right now. so please share or speak of him, it doesn't hurt as bad as you think. Its not as uncomfortable as you think. Its happy when people speak of him, its joyous to hear memories! SHARE!
Monday, July 30, 2012
no more than 9 months....
Every time I close my eyes I see Branson as he was at 9 months old. Thats the oldest he ever was, the oldest he will ever be. I see everything he had grown to be in his 9 months of life..I just can't seem to see who he would be today, in 5yrs, 10yrs, 25yrs.....older at all. I try to close my eyes and think real hard, but I just can't see it. I know that I won't see him at that age and the age he is in heaven is unknown to me until I arrive there. But I wish I could see him at 5yrs old about to start kindergarten. Would he have his little petite body still or would he have filled out, would he be shy or outgoing, would he love school or hate school. I just wish I could see him one month older, one yr older, one day older. Not to much to ask you'd think, but my mind just cant wrap itself around it. He wasn't 10 months old, he wasn't 5 yrs old or 18 yrs old or any other age besides 9 months old and thats all I am allowed to see him be. I pray someday that God allows my mind to see him as a young man, in a dream, in my mind. Maybe when he would have been five I'll see it then.
I also know that he was more in his 9 months that I have been in my 27 yrs....he is more than most people are in their whole life. He has changed lives that he didn't even know before his death. WOW! I am amazed by this little man. I am blessed by this little man. I may not be able to see him as an older kid or man. But I can see that his life meant as much to God as an older man. He did and continues to do God's work.
I have had one friend and two sister-in-laws give birth over the past 3.5 wks and another friend is having her baby tonight. Its been amazing to see God's beauty being reborn and the wonderful things these kids will do and get to be throughout their little lives. Its been a gift for me to see them, as if I'm seeing through new eyes. However amazing its been, its also been heart breaking and hard. Everyone is standing around holding the babies and my baby is gone. Never to be seen again on this earth. I have no baby to hold and will constantly be reminded of his absence when I see these little ones. It hurts in a new spot that hasn't been touched yet. I feel empty when I am with them. I hate that I feel that way and I love on them and see them for the beautiful blessing they are, but I also feel empty with them. I hope it changes I love these babies to the core. I hope that as times passes I will feel less empty around them and more alive. I hope Branson fills that emptiness in my heart when I am with them to see them for all the things they deserve to be seen as. I hate that the parents of these beautiful new babies have to read and know I feel this way. I hope and pray that they forgive me for feeling so empty. I love all of these girls and hope they know that I love them and each one of those babies.
I also know that he was more in his 9 months that I have been in my 27 yrs....he is more than most people are in their whole life. He has changed lives that he didn't even know before his death. WOW! I am amazed by this little man. I am blessed by this little man. I may not be able to see him as an older kid or man. But I can see that his life meant as much to God as an older man. He did and continues to do God's work.
I have had one friend and two sister-in-laws give birth over the past 3.5 wks and another friend is having her baby tonight. Its been amazing to see God's beauty being reborn and the wonderful things these kids will do and get to be throughout their little lives. Its been a gift for me to see them, as if I'm seeing through new eyes. However amazing its been, its also been heart breaking and hard. Everyone is standing around holding the babies and my baby is gone. Never to be seen again on this earth. I have no baby to hold and will constantly be reminded of his absence when I see these little ones. It hurts in a new spot that hasn't been touched yet. I feel empty when I am with them. I hate that I feel that way and I love on them and see them for the beautiful blessing they are, but I also feel empty with them. I hope it changes I love these babies to the core. I hope that as times passes I will feel less empty around them and more alive. I hope Branson fills that emptiness in my heart when I am with them to see them for all the things they deserve to be seen as. I hate that the parents of these beautiful new babies have to read and know I feel this way. I hope and pray that they forgive me for feeling so empty. I love all of these girls and hope they know that I love them and each one of those babies.
Friday, July 27, 2012
sweet baby boy
Oh Branson, why did you leave me?! My heart feels empty at times. I miss you so much. Miss every little thing about you. Your crinkled nose smile, your small little body, you nursing, you pulling on my hair while trying to fall asleep, you eating crumbs off the floor, you crawling behind the couch and me freaking out because I couldn't find you. I miss you. I have no more deeper words than that right now. You were the sweetest baby with a kind heart and rarely would you really cry. So content with how things were, gosh how I miss that. You were such a happy boy. But I know right now....you are far happier than any moment here on earth. That soothes my soul, but doesn't decrease the pain. I HATE that you had to leave me and I beg God to show me why you had to leave me. Never have I felt such a pain in my heart...never have I felt like that pain would never go away. You were and still are such an amazing little boy. You are teaching so many people so much about God and that wonderful place called Heaven. You are there worshipping our God and I am so thankful for that. I can't wait for the day I get to see you again on that street of Gold and you will come running into my arms. I know what you'll say "I've been waiting for you momma, let me show you this amazing place." I hold that close to my heart for I fear death no longer, knowing that I will see you and my Lord some day. I love you so much, I know you know that...I know you feel that. Hold my heart and help me make it through each day as each day is so unplanned and unkown how the pain will be. Oh I love you my sweet happy boy.
Momma
Momma
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Memory Walk
There is a memory walk, it is sponsered by M.E.N.D (mommies enduring neonatal death). It is just a remembrance of infants that have left us. The only one that seems to be close by us is in Irving. We are going to sign up for this, there is no fee and it is not a fundraiser, nothing is required of us except to walk in Memory of Branson. I am going to look into having shirts made. But to register I have to let them know about how many people are going to participate. I would LOVE for anyone and everyone to participate, I just need to know ASAP! It is Saturday October 6, 2012 at 1pm at Calvary Church 4401 North State Highway 161 Irving Tx 75038. Just leave a comment, email me or facebook message me so I can get a count before I register. my email is britnibrannon@gmail.com. Thanks to anyone who is willing to participate. I will provide more details as I become aware of them and as the time draws nearer.
Love
Britni
Love
Britni
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