motherhood post child loss

A sweet friend of mine posted this for me recently and it was amazing to read.  Hits all those things I needed to hear!
And it made me realize that this is not something that has been discussed truly from me.  How I feel my mothering has changed since Branson passed away.  I do try to drink in the small moments and treat all things as major exciting moments now, but right now I feel like I'm losing a battle at being the mom I want to be.

I feel like I'm not as good as I should be, or not as strong as I want to be.  I've got a short fuse and I've treated them like they should know how to live life now.  When all reality is THEY DON'T KNOW EITHER!  Their life has been completely changed, not just because they lost a sibling, but they've lost their strong, happy mother and their normal little lives.  They went from a normal childhood of playing with each other, watching cartoons, coloring and laughing, to thinking about death daily, and think about missing their brother daily and trying to figure out why everything seems so different all the time.  The house is different, the atmosphere is different. Their life is different, yet I expect them to act the same?  Shame on me.  I feel like a failure as a mom alot of days.  Like I can't keep it together for their sake. I let them get away with more, which usually ends up biting me in the butt later, but I just don't have the strength or will power to fight them.  My discipline is inconsistent, alot of times I just say oh well, they'll be fine.  And then Stetson is getting so big and he's grown up so much since Branson passed and I'm having to let him go a little.  Teaching him how to go outside and play with the neighborhood kids and check in with me and stranger danger....how can I let go of him.  I NEED him right here in my house next to me so I know nothing is wrong and nothing will ever be wrong.  I am anxious and my stomach is in knots the whole time he is out playing.  Not just that, but letting him grow up hurts a little, he's my baby boy.  My only boy now...but my first baby.  And then it makes me realize that I won't see Branson EVER do any of these things and that hurts so much, so I rush Stetson back inside and tell him its time to calm down just because I can't deal with the pain.  How fair is that to him?!  How dare I take away his freedom and joy that he needs at his 6 yr old life and treat him like a captive, just so my heart is spared. My life is complicated and hard on a regular basis and I struggle with how to parent children who know such a deep pain.  When is enough enough, how hard should I push them, when is it time to just let it be.  I think of these constantly and fight with myself on what I'm doing right or wrong. In all reality there is no right or wrong and I'm doing the best I can with something I never was prepared for.  I say all of this to say that this article made me realize that this is all normal and ok...this is not easy and it will all work out.  I do know my children and I know me...after this I do whatever I can one day at a time and have no regrets because no one can tell me what I'm doing is right or wrong.  The only thing guiding me right now minute to minute, hour to hour is God and he will show me what is right and what is wrong.  So all those stares I get from people when Kinlee is throwing a fit during dance, WHO CARES, Not always knowing if Stetson is doing ok or functioning as he should after everything he saw, ITS OK....Not knowing if I can breath again without Branson here...I will because God is right there holding me and walking me through my life right now.

Disconnected

I've been feeling very disconnected from life lately.  Like I'm just floating through it.  I'm easily agitated, and I hate that. The kids seem to grind on my nerves and all I want to do is enjoy them, love them, cherish every single minute I have with them.  I know each minute could be their last and I want each minute to be a happy one, but it so hard when I just want silence and mourning because my heart is broken beyond repair.  I'm trying to be in the word and pray constantly for guidance and peace, but it seems right now all God is saying to me in the voice I hear is "mourn, just keep mourning...more will come when its time"  I want it to be time though...I NEED it to be time.  I need joy and happiness when all there seems to be is this heaviness on my heart and mind.  I miss him so much.  Lately its become almost like shock again, I cant believe I had a baby and he is gone.  my heart skips a beat when I think about it and its like this inbelievable thought.  How could something like that EVER happen to me? Its so horrible, yet I'm living it right now. I am sometimes thrown back to the last day I still had three earthly babies and how happy I was.  We had just been out of town for the weekend on our 5 yr anniversary trip and we came home to three beautiful babies on Sunday and everything seemed so perfect.  I was so happy and full of life and love.  I remember thinking that and I remember that feeling of fullness and happiness.  Then I remember the feeling of being all my happiness being ripped from me and feeling....empty.  Now its not as empty, it is trying to come back to this fullness, but its full of voids and my heart and mind won't let anything continue to heal right now, I'm suspended in time. Feeling this feeling between fullness and emptiness.  Void of emotion sometimes. 

So much reminds me of him, sweeping the floor, putting Kinlee to bed (I see that emptiness where his crib used to be), dropping Stetson off at school, dropping Kinlee off at the babysitter, picking them up, coming home from school/work which is when I would normally nurse him immediatly, eating dinner, covering up with my new quilt made from his clothing.  This time of year, once my favorite, now hurts because it reminds me of when he was born and then reminds me that he's gone.  I know this all seems depressive, but my emotions need release I guess and here they come out.

I drive my the old babysitters house twice a day when taking Stetson to school and then when picking him up.  It never phased me much, just seeing the house brought a pain.  But recently I've looked at it in a different light.  Thats the last place he was alive, thats the last place he was himself, all together on this earth and Branson.  I sometimes just wanna go look and see the last place he crawled, the last place he cried, the last place he ate, the last place he breathed, the last place his heart beat.  I just wanna go see the last place Branson...was the Branson I remember. 

Thats a look into my day to day thinking.  Never leaves me.  I may smile and laugh and be perfectly fine, except in the back of my mind I am probably thinking " the last time I did this Branson was______." I love you Branson Joe.  Please heal my heart.  

Fading memories

I've been trying to think all day what I should write here and how I should describe my feelings.  I have nothing profound or life changing to say today.  It's the same as everyday, nothing I haven't said in the past three months.  But as I sat down to write and share with yall I realized what I needed, or maybe just wanted to share.  a very short version of his Birth story..and whatever my brain writes after that we shall see.

September 10, 2012

My water broke and I was in active Labor, FINALLY!!  The csection date had been looming over my head and my chances of a VBAC were dwindling.  But here my baby was coming just two days before my scheduled csection!!  Praise God!  I labored all day, painfully I might add, but he took his sweet time.  24 hrs after I woke with my first contraction he was born.  2:46 am September 11, 2011.  My world stopped and changed completely.  I remember him not crying for a long time.  I was so scared something was wrong and kept asking if he was ok, but no one was listening to me, no one was answering my question!  Finally I heard his little cry and all was right with the world.  It seemed forever before they finally brought him to me and he looked at me with those little man eyes and I was lost.  So in love.  He was so perfect, more than I had imagined.  I remember one of the first thoughts I had was "he looks so much like his daddy"  He was so different from my other kids. He was so calm and quiet and attentive right away.  I was so blessed, I had been given a gift, more than I knew at the time.

My memories I've had today have all been good memories.  Thats really all I have with Branson is good memories.  There is not one bad memory I have with him involved.  He was calm with his Big brother and Big sister.  Never once caring if they took his toy, or got in his face or even ignored him.  He would always just move right on not having a care in the world. The only truly bad memory I have is that horrible day.  June 12, 2012.  His day.

I remember every detail of him and his life.  But it seems to fade some days.  I have breaks in the clear memories now.  And I've forgotten the warmth of holding him closely, smelling his sweet smell and touching is soft little cheeks as he slept snuggled in my arms.  The things I miss the most and I've forgotten the feeling.  Then there are moments those feelings slap me in the face and my arms and heart ache for the feeling once again.  Just holding him and touching him once more.  I cannot describe my feelings to you all today.  It's beyond explanation, because I never wished to have to explain this.

But I can say this:
I miss him so much it hurts, I miss being able to hold babies with joy, I miss his smile, I miss his presence, I miss the love he showed.  I miss more than I have time to write here.  The scary part is that early on I could still feel him, ya know that presence that he is just right there making sure you're ok...But now, he seems farther away.  I don't always feel him close anymore.  Those days are the days that hurt, physically hurt.  Today was one of those days.  I wanted him close, I  NEEDED him close to my heart because I missed him far beyond what I imagined I would on this, his Birthday, so I close my eyes tighter and tighter so I can see him and imagine him being with me and the memory seems old, dingy.  Like an old photograph.  Just a memory.

I do know that God is holding me and although I didn't see my rainbow today or feel his presence, Branson is with God.  They are holding back the pain of feeling his closeness maybe,  or waiting for a day better suited.  I'm really not sure, but I know it will come soon.  One of those days I can feel him everywhere I go.  I hold onto that hope and the hope that God has a plan.  I'm sticking to it, I know he does.  No doubt in my mind.  The ball is started rolling, now I just need to give it time to pick up speed.

Looking back, this whole post seems a jumbled mess, but hopefully it portrays my mind today.  Very unclear, and very pained.

I love you my sweet baby boy. Happy Birthday, a day I will always remember.  A day my life was forever changed.

They're growing like weeds...

Its two weeks into school and I have yet to post about the start of school for Stetson.  It's been a great year so far.  He was looking forward to it and has jumped back in right where he left off.  He's reading like a whiz kid and his writing is already better and he's just growing up right before my very eyes.  It's crazy to think how he's already 6 years old.  What an amazing little boy.  He's something special and he's going to do amazing things as he continues to grow, he has such a big and sensitive heart.  He'll be a great man someday.

Here are our first day of First Grade pictures!

 

Also sInce right before school started Stetson has had a few loose teeth.  And finally last weekend his first tooth fell out!  He was so shocked because it came out while he was eating and he bit down on it.  Like I say, such a big boy now.

 Kinlee has changed so much not only in the past 3-6 months but even more in the past month since her birthday!  She's talking so much more and has DEFINITELY hit the terrible two's. We lucked out with Stetson because I think he skipped this stage, or maybe its worse with her because she's a girl..but Goodness Gracious someone must save me soon...I will rip the hair out of my head soon! 

She has begun to show interest in potty training.  We aren't starting yet, just allowing her to go when she asks and when she does ask, she usually goes so its a work in progress.  The next step is taking away the pacifier.  I hate that she's had it this long, but she loves that thing and right now I am not strong enough emotionally to fight that battle with her, so she continues to use it.  It is restricted to mainly bedtime, but she'll try to use it whenever.  I can't believe that she isn't my little baby anymore.  It's crazy.  

This then leads to the thoughts of how crazy it is that I should be holding a little one year old (my "baby") and I'm not and that hurts too.  See how all my thoughts lead back to him.  He will always be a part of my thoughts and a part of my dreams.  *sigh*

Busy Busy Busy

So much going on lately I have had little time, or energy to blog.  School starting, dance, soccer...the kids keep me busy.  I will post about them later tonight.  They are both growing so much and what a joy it is to see.

Branson's birthday celebration is this Sunday September 9 from 5-7 at our house.  Smoked brisket, chicken, sausage, potato salad, rolls, beans and cupcakes.  It's gonna be a blast and a way to remember my sweet boy that I miss more and more each day.  He has changed my heart so much.  If you plan on coming just let me know via email, fb message or in a comment.

Also coming up is the Memory walk for Branson.  It is October 6th in Irving at 1pm.  I will post the address and more info as we get closer.  We are ordering shirts in Memory of Branson also so If you would like to order one let me know how you can get the money to me (paypal can be available) and follow this link to sign up: http://www.customink.com/signup/1e1wdex0. 


Thanks everyone!