Now for the title of the Blog....the circle of life. Talking to my mom last night inspired me and now I must share. As we become adults we know that based on the circle of life some day when we are older and our parents are older that our parents will leave this earth. We are prepared for their death in a way because its a natural process. We are born we get older we die. Losing a child is not a natural process of life and it comes very unprepared in our list of things to be prepared for in life. I still struggle not just day to day but alot of times I struggle minute to minute. I want to fall apart and cry in a heap on the floor because I see a baby Branson's age, but I can't because I'm out in public and how inappropriate that would be. There are minutes I smile because I remember him crawling across the kitchen and in the next minute I want to just give up on what I am doing in the kitchen and go crawl in bed because I feel like life shouldn't go on at that moment. I hate what I'm about to say and although I know its true I really hope people understand what I mean. I've learned over the past 5 months that Life does go on and there is still a circle of life in all we do. I want people to understand that although I realize life goes on as I have had to go on, Life still seems to stand still for me and I still struggle everyday with this. My life has gone on, but I have not moved on and my life will NEVER EVER be the same. I may smile and laugh and joke, but behind each one of those is a world of hurt that I'm just trying to wade through on a daily basis. So remember that each comment you make to me ,or anyone that knew Branson on a personal level, needs to be said with care because the scar is deep and is not healed and words said can be like pouring salt on that wound.
I got a bit off topic, but I had to say what I wanted to say. Now as I said There is a Circle of Life, death brings on life. We are currently living the Circle...We recently found out that we will be bringing another child into this world. I will be 11 wks pregnant on thursday and I'm cautious every single day. Baby number four for us, but this pregnancy has been anything but easy. Over all it has been fine. But everyday my emotions are all over the map. I struggle with being truly happy about it because my fear that something bad will happen, like it just lurking around the corner and it will pounce when I least expect it. I have made it to some criticial points and the chances of miscarriage decrease everyday. I know without a doubt Branson had his hand in this pregnancy. This child was conceived around Branson's birthday and will be due near his death day. What more of a circle of life can you get than that?!
Yesterday I spoke with Stetson about it, he has known since I was 7 wks pregnant, but he was missing Branson yesterday so I told him that this baby in my belly already knew all about him and how great a big brother he was and how much fun he was to play with because his baby brother talked to him up in heaven before God but the baby in my belly. He cried, but I do believe those were tears of sadness mixed with happiness to think that something like that could be true. I believe it is true. I know this WHOLE post has been a bit of a jumbled mess, but I guess thats what happens when you don't post for awhile. So much to say and can't get it all organzied. I will leave you with a 6 1/2 week sonogram of our little baby. I have had one more sonogram since at 10 wks, but we did not receive a picture from that sonogram.
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This next photo is how we announced to our immediate family.
What a sweet deep and thoughtfull writing about the circle of life. I can not know your heart and how bad it hurts. All I can do is tell you what a special person you have always been and what a wonderful daughter wife and mother you are. God has blessed you with another baby but you will always know and feel the loss of Branson. I had an 2 aunts that loss a child and I can say neither one was ever exactly the same and we as family did not expect it. All we can do is give people that have felt this loss all the love and patience we can. One Aunt handle the loss better than the other one and it hurts me to this day for them. It is just not what we expect. Like you said we prepare for our parents one day to go before us and that is hard but baby girl you have had to experience the worse thing that a mother can experience. Know I am here for you and I think you are a wonderful Christian example to all you meet. I will pray that people watch what they say especially the ones that do not have a clue what you have been through. I will now pray for baby number 4 to be a healthy baby and that your body will except it and soon the hormones will slow down. I love you
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