What I remember

This article was posted today and as I read it I started crying.  What I took from it was not that you should always go to the funeral, because I get that that isn't always possible. But the part that really struck me and hit home with me was that ...the small inconveniences are what are remembered.  I closed my eyes and my mind flew back to the day of and the days immediately following Branson's death. Tears fell from my eyes as I remembered the emotions I felt, but also the overwhelming love I felt just from others actions.

In the moments immediately following Branson's death, even up to today. I remember not everyone that attended the funeral...but I remember those things that people did not because they HAD to but because they WANTED to. I had friends from high school that I hadn't seen in 9 years that attended his funeral and college friends that I hadn't seen in 3 or more years that attended his funeral. Who does that?! Who WANTS to come to the funeral for a 9 month old...That's the thing...they didn't want to come, they came for me. I remember that. I remember the massive amount of people that brought us food and just basic everyday items so we could function without having to think....I remember my MOM's friend from high school coming to MY house to clean before the funeral and My best friend from child hood drove 6 hours just to be with me for like 36 hours and she wasn't even able to attend the funeral. She came for me. My other best friend came in the many weeks that followed to just make sure we were ok. A group of friends of mine from all over put their money together to buy Cody and I jewelry to remember Branson. People mailed us stuff and messaged us and checked on us.  THAT is what I remember. Those things that were truly inconveniences for someone else...that is what my mind see's when I think back to those awful days. 

As time has passed people have done less and I get that, I truly do. But in that moment when someone goes out of their way to say that awkward thing, ask that awkward question or just do something to let me know Branson is still in there heart...that is engraved in my heart forever. I know I've said it a million times and I probably say it a million more...but I just want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. You'll never know what it all has meant to me. And please don't think that because I didn't mention something specifically in this blog that I don't remember. The thing is so many people did so many things that I could not ever name them all...but I remember.. I do.

Not ready, but must prepare

Yes its been awhile.  Honestly things have just been to overwhelming for me to post.

I can't trace back to where I last left off but I can start from where my mind sits now.  On March 13, 2013 Branson was gone from this earth exactly as long as he was here.  9 months and 1 day. Gone.  How can that be...how can he be gone as long as he was here.  It seems like only yesterday my world was shattered.  As of today he's been gone almost 10 months ( it will be 10 months on Friday).  This week has already been hard for me...I'm not sure what it is but I've started crying looking at pictures hanging on the wall multiple times.  I see them every day...yet for some reason when I see them this week I can literally feel him in my arms again and I can feel him being ripped away. My heart feels shattered all over again and I fall to the ground in tears.  I miss him so much it hurts.  I know I say that constantly and I wish I could explain but I ache from missing him.  I feel a pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart that can never be filled...no matter how much I eat or how much I try to fill that hole with love it is still a gaping hole! I miss his smile.  I miss his slobber. I miss his chill attitude towards his siblings. I miss nursing him. I miss waking up at 3 am with him. I miss having three kids.  I hate walking around pregnant and people saying "oh three now huh...you're gonna be busy." I WANNA BE BUSY! or  they say "Is it a boy or girl? oh so you'll have two boys and a girl then huh?!" NO I WILL HAVE THREE BOYS AND A GIRL! But I can't yell at them...this pain is not theirs to carry...so I just smile and move on as quickly as I can.

I am now about 8 weeks away from my due date.  It's coming so fast.  I am so over being pregnant and so ready for this baby to be here...but I also know the due date is close to Branson's one year death date and the more I wish away my pregnancy the closer I get to a day I am not ready to deal with.  1 year is too much...I know it will come and I will have to face it and I will survive it...But I don't want to.  So here I sit almost 32 weeks pregnant wishing for the baby to be here, but not for it to have been a year since I lost my sweet baby boy.

I've struggled lately with alot of things...But I've felt God very near to me and I know if not for him I would not be able to stand most days. He gets me up and out the door and helps me function through every moment of every day. I am exhausted by the end of the day, physically and emotionally...and I so look forward to just falling into bed and feeling God wrap his arms around me and dreaming of my sweet boy giving me a kiss on my cheek as I  doze off to sleep.

What I ask of all of you is prayers to make it through not only the next 8 wks of this pregnancy, but through the one year anniversary of Branson being returned to his heavenly Father.  I know he is safe and happy, but I miss him and yearn to feel his skin against mine again. Thank you to any and all that pray this for me.

This time of year

Anyone who knows me...I mean truly knows me, knows that the Holidays (especially Christmas) is my favorite time of year.  The decorating, the happiness, the smiles from my kids, just the whole atmosphere of Christmas is so magical to me and I countdown the days to it every year! I have sooo many traditions and I enjoy every single one! I love the smells, the food and I can't wait to get my Christmas tree up and celebrate my family and the real reason for the season, Jesus.  And although I'm still focusing on Jesus and I walk with him daily, because without him I may not be able to get out of bed..I am still having a very hard time getting into the spirit of the season.  I keep trying and everytime I try my heart feels like it is bleeding and it physically aches.  It just won't be Christmas to me this year.  It won't be joyous.  I could buy my kids all the toys in the world and give them everything they have ever asked for and their smiles would brighten my day, but the whole season is a struggle to just survive.  I hate that I have to have Thanksgiving and Christmas without my baby.  I hate that I can't buy him his Christmas pjs or buy him gifts to go under the tree.  Everything reminds me of him, every Christmas tradition my family has, has him molded into it and now he isn't here so how can the mold be complete.  It just can't and it won't be.  We will still celebrate and it will be a great year...but it hurts.  Every minute of every day hurts without him here.  It's December 4th and my tree is still not up
(usually I want it up before thanksgiving!) and my heart just isn't in it...I want and need so badly to get the decor up, if for no one else than at least for my kids.  I wake up everyday knowing its the Holidays, but not feeling it at all.  I know its not what those that are gone want for us, but I can't help my pain. many times I imagine who he would be today.  His little almost 15 month old self would be walking and getting into things.  I see Stetson and Kinlee play and my mind pictures him there..and I wonder how he would be playing with them...what would he be saying...what would bring him the most joy about Christmas?  I still imagine myself with three kids. I'm definitely trying to get in the mood for my babies to enjoy this once a year magical joy...and many times I just fake it because they won't notice the difference. There is definitely a dark hole over my Christmas...praying I survive...hoping he continues to show me the little signs that he is still around and watching.  The little sun rainbows or a random butterfly.  He's here, just not it the way I want him or imagined he would be.

Grief anew

I have an entire other post I've been working on, but today is not the day for that post....today my heart is hurting.  Saturday morning I received a phone call...again, one of those phone calls you never want to have, but there I was again having this phone call. A dear college friend of mine passed away.  It was a car accident, the details aren't important. Immediately I was sucked back to June and my heart bled again. The last time I spoke to my friend was via text on Branson's birthday.  She texted me to tell me she was thinking of me...we texted back and forth a few minutes and caught up on life..and that was it.  The last time I had contact with her. This grief is so different, I went through shock much quicker than with Branson and moved quickly to just overwhelming sadness. I cannot stop thinking of her family...oh how I know how they must feel. My heat hurts because I lost a friend, but their hearts hurt bc they've lost a daughter, sister, granddaughter...I want so badly to hold them because I know the pain is so strong, but I also know that there is nothing I can do or say to make it feel any better....they have to go through it in their own way, on their own time. 

It has been much harder to accept her death than Branson's.  I don't know why, but with Branson I knew immediately his life had fulfilled God's purpose...and although I truly belive that with her as well...I still have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is gone.  She was beautiful, so smart, and always tried to make people feel included.  It has also brought up feelings that I have tried my hardest to push aside, keep buried down...but now they are out in the open again...salt on my wound.  Its hard to explain this grief this time.  I feel like I've been drug backwards in my grief instead of forwards.  I know God's plan in all of this pain will overcome all and we will be amazed by it all, but in my pit of grief its hard to grasp that for a moment. I beg of those who read this to not only pray for the family today...but continue to remember them...bc as time passes it gets harder.  I know for me it has been. People say less and you hurt more...so pray for them for a very long time...they are hurting so deep they need as many prayers not just today...but tomorrow, next week, next month, 5 months from now..a yr from now.  The pain comes in waves...so please pleas pray continously!  Love to you all.

Circle of Life

I know its been awhile.  I have had alot going on these past few months, but mostly I just haven't had the energy to post.  Many emotions and new things happened since I posted last I can't really sum it all up. We are doing well and had a great Halloween.  Kinlee potty trained herself...seriously her decision and he mastered it.  God must have known I needed a break.  Stetson has become a reading whiz and I'm so proud of both of them.  I have tons of pictures I will post in a seperate blog from Halloween, the pumpkin patch and Branson's memory walk. 

Now for the title of the Blog....the circle of life.  Talking to my mom last night inspired me and now I must share.  As we become adults we know that based on the circle of life some day when we are older and our parents are older that our parents will leave this earth.  We are prepared for their death in a way because its a natural process.  We are born we get older we die.  Losing a child is not a natural process of life and it comes very unprepared in our list of things to be prepared for in life. I still struggle not just day to day but alot of times I struggle minute to minute.  I want to fall apart and cry in a heap on the floor because I see a baby Branson's age, but I can't because I'm out in public and how inappropriate that would be.  There are minutes I smile because I remember him crawling across the kitchen and in the next minute I want to just give up on what I am doing in the kitchen and go crawl in bed because I feel like life shouldn't go on at that moment. I hate what I'm about to say and although I know its true I really hope people understand what I mean. I've learned over the past 5 months that Life does go on and there is still a circle of life in all we do. I want people to understand that although I realize life goes on as I have had to go on, Life still seems to stand still for me and I still struggle everyday with this. My life has gone on, but I have not moved on and my life will NEVER EVER be the same.  I may smile and laugh and joke, but behind each one of those is a world of hurt that I'm just trying to wade through on a daily basis.  So remember that each comment you make to me ,or anyone that knew Branson on a personal level, needs to be said with care because the scar is deep and is not healed and words said can be like pouring salt on that wound.

I got a bit off topic, but I had to say what I wanted to say.  Now as I said There is a Circle of Life, death brings on life.  We are currently living the Circle...We recently found out that we will be bringing another child into this world.  I will be 11 wks pregnant on thursday and I'm cautious every single day.  Baby number four for us, but this pregnancy has been anything but easy.  Over all it has been fine.  But everyday my emotions are all over the map.  I struggle with being truly happy about it because my fear that something bad will happen, like it just lurking around the corner and it will pounce when I least expect it.  I have made it to some criticial points and the chances of miscarriage decrease everyday.  I know without a doubt Branson had his hand in this pregnancy.  This child was conceived around Branson's birthday and will be due near his death day.  What more of a circle of life can you get than that?!

Yesterday I spoke with Stetson about it, he has known since I was 7 wks pregnant, but he was missing Branson yesterday so I told him that this baby in my belly already knew all about him and how great a big brother he was and how much fun he was to play with because his baby brother talked to him up in heaven before God but the baby in my belly.  He cried, but I do believe those were tears of sadness mixed with happiness to think that something like that could be true.  I believe it is true.  I know this WHOLE post has been a bit of a jumbled mess, but I guess thats what happens when you don't post for awhile.  So much to say and can't get it all organzied.  I will leave you with a 6 1/2 week sonogram of our little baby.  I have had one more sonogram since at 10 wks, but we did not receive a picture from that sonogram.  

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This next photo is how we announced to our immediate family.

Capture Your Grief days 4-7

I do realize that I'm behind, I wasn't feeling well this weekend and I had a super busy weekend anyways.

So Day 4 and 5 to me go together

Day 4: Most treasured item, something you have that relates you do your baby and Day 5: Memorial, something you have done in memory of your child.  I say to me both things are the quilt I had made from his clothing.  It was made in memory of him and it is the thing I cling to and use everyday.  It gives me something to snuggle when he is not there to snuggle with.

Day 6: what not to say, things people have said to you that were not appropriate.  Honestly I can think of nothing to put here. Everyone has been kind and thoughtful.  I guess if there were inappropriate things said I blocked them out.  No picture for this one, just words.

 Day 7:what to say, Things said to you that brought you great comfort.  The one thing that hit my heart in an amazing way and brought me a new sense of comfort about the whole situation was from my cousin.  She lost a child while pregnant and she told me " Branson had something special about him and I like to think that God put him in such an amazing family to keep him smiling because he knew he had to take him early and wanted every moment to be a happy one. He chose you Britni because you are loving and caring and passionate. He chose you because you could take care of his angel before he was called home. Stetson and Kinlee will always remember their brother and how much you all loved him and how special he was." Still brings me comfort to hear these words.  I love it and I love her for saying them.

October: Capture Your Grief photograph challenge.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness and although I'm not quite sure I fit into that category it was still and childloss so to me it counts.  There is a photograph challenge for the month of October.  31 days and 31 photographs to "Capture Your Grief" and show it through images.  I'm a few days late starting in on this, but I plan on doing this.  Here is the originating website: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html

So this is me getting caught up with Days 1-3.

Day 1: Sunrise

This means more to me than just the sun coming up...this means my kids also...they are my sunrise every morning.

Day 2:

Before Loss Self Portrait  A photo of me before my loss.  This photo was take the weekend before Branson passed away....one of my last happy memories before my life fell apart.

Day 3:

Post Loss Self Portrait.  Taken a week or so after he passed away.  Trying to figure out my new normal...my new me.

I will post a new blog later tonight about Day 4.

Thank you for reading my blog!