motherhood post child loss

A sweet friend of mine posted this for me recently and it was amazing to read.  Hits all those things I needed to hear!
And it made me realize that this is not something that has been discussed truly from me.  How I feel my mothering has changed since Branson passed away.  I do try to drink in the small moments and treat all things as major exciting moments now, but right now I feel like I'm losing a battle at being the mom I want to be.

I feel like I'm not as good as I should be, or not as strong as I want to be.  I've got a short fuse and I've treated them like they should know how to live life now.  When all reality is THEY DON'T KNOW EITHER!  Their life has been completely changed, not just because they lost a sibling, but they've lost their strong, happy mother and their normal little lives.  They went from a normal childhood of playing with each other, watching cartoons, coloring and laughing, to thinking about death daily, and think about missing their brother daily and trying to figure out why everything seems so different all the time.  The house is different, the atmosphere is different. Their life is different, yet I expect them to act the same?  Shame on me.  I feel like a failure as a mom alot of days.  Like I can't keep it together for their sake. I let them get away with more, which usually ends up biting me in the butt later, but I just don't have the strength or will power to fight them.  My discipline is inconsistent, alot of times I just say oh well, they'll be fine.  And then Stetson is getting so big and he's grown up so much since Branson passed and I'm having to let him go a little.  Teaching him how to go outside and play with the neighborhood kids and check in with me and stranger danger....how can I let go of him.  I NEED him right here in my house next to me so I know nothing is wrong and nothing will ever be wrong.  I am anxious and my stomach is in knots the whole time he is out playing.  Not just that, but letting him grow up hurts a little, he's my baby boy.  My only boy now...but my first baby.  And then it makes me realize that I won't see Branson EVER do any of these things and that hurts so much, so I rush Stetson back inside and tell him its time to calm down just because I can't deal with the pain.  How fair is that to him?!  How dare I take away his freedom and joy that he needs at his 6 yr old life and treat him like a captive, just so my heart is spared. My life is complicated and hard on a regular basis and I struggle with how to parent children who know such a deep pain.  When is enough enough, how hard should I push them, when is it time to just let it be.  I think of these constantly and fight with myself on what I'm doing right or wrong. In all reality there is no right or wrong and I'm doing the best I can with something I never was prepared for.  I say all of this to say that this article made me realize that this is all normal and ok...this is not easy and it will all work out.  I do know my children and I know me...after this I do whatever I can one day at a time and have no regrets because no one can tell me what I'm doing is right or wrong.  The only thing guiding me right now minute to minute, hour to hour is God and he will show me what is right and what is wrong.  So all those stares I get from people when Kinlee is throwing a fit during dance, WHO CARES, Not always knowing if Stetson is doing ok or functioning as he should after everything he saw, ITS OK....Not knowing if I can breath again without Branson here...I will because God is right there holding me and walking me through my life right now.