I've been trying to think all day what I should write here and how I should describe my feelings. I have nothing profound or life changing to say today. It's the same as everyday, nothing I haven't said in the past three months. But as I sat down to write and share with yall I realized what I needed, or maybe just wanted to share. a very short version of his Birth story..and whatever my brain writes after that we shall see.
September 10, 2012
My water broke and I was in active Labor, FINALLY!! The csection date had been looming over my head and my chances of a VBAC were dwindling. But here my baby was coming just two days before my scheduled csection!! Praise God! I labored all day, painfully I might add, but he took his sweet time. 24 hrs after I woke with my first contraction he was born. 2:46 am September 11, 2011. My world stopped and changed completely. I remember him not crying for a long time. I was so scared something was wrong and kept asking if he was ok, but no one was listening to me, no one was answering my question! Finally I heard his little cry and all was right with the world. It seemed forever before they finally brought him to me and he looked at me with those little man eyes and I was lost. So in love. He was so perfect, more than I had imagined. I remember one of the first thoughts I had was "he looks so much like his daddy" He was so different from my other kids. He was so calm and quiet and attentive right away. I was so blessed, I had been given a gift, more than I knew at the time.
My memories I've had today have all been good memories. Thats really all I have with Branson is good memories. There is not one bad memory I have with him involved. He was calm with his Big brother and Big sister. Never once caring if they took his toy, or got in his face or even ignored him. He would always just move right on not having a care in the world. The only truly bad memory I have is that horrible day. June 12, 2012. His day.
I remember every detail of him and his life. But it seems to fade some days. I have breaks in the clear memories now. And I've forgotten the warmth of holding him closely, smelling his sweet smell and touching is soft little cheeks as he slept snuggled in my arms. The things I miss the most and I've forgotten the feeling. Then there are moments those feelings slap me in the face and my arms and heart ache for the feeling once again. Just holding him and touching him once more. I cannot describe my feelings to you all today. It's beyond explanation, because I never wished to have to explain this.
But I can say this:
I miss him so much it hurts, I miss being able to hold babies with joy, I miss his smile, I miss his presence, I miss the love he showed. I miss more than I have time to write here. The scary part is that early on I could still feel him, ya know that presence that he is just right there making sure you're ok...But now, he seems farther away. I don't always feel him close anymore. Those days are the days that hurt, physically hurt. Today was one of those days. I wanted him close, I NEEDED him close to my heart because I missed him far beyond what I imagined I would on this, his Birthday, so I close my eyes tighter and tighter so I can see him and imagine him being with me and the memory seems old, dingy. Like an old photograph. Just a memory.
I do know that God is holding me and although I didn't see my rainbow today or feel his presence, Branson is with God. They are holding back the pain of feeling his closeness maybe, or waiting for a day better suited. I'm really not sure, but I know it will come soon. One of those days I can feel him everywhere I go. I hold onto that hope and the hope that God has a plan. I'm sticking to it, I know he does. No doubt in my mind. The ball is started rolling, now I just need to give it time to pick up speed.
Looking back, this whole post seems a jumbled mess, but hopefully it portrays my mind today. Very unclear, and very pained.
I love you my sweet baby boy. Happy Birthday, a day I will always remember. A day my life was forever changed.
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You always apologize for your writing and I am just waiting sometimes for the word or phrase. Beautiful and so describing cooed my eyes when you said you did. Your baby was thethird light of your life. Confusing and/or simple in life but always confused in death especially one that you may never understand why with science. I know you are so aching in your heart and still you cOntinue walking thru life working and taken care of your other kids and eventhe rest of the family. Please talk out loud so you can remember your What it's is that U want to rememberu Grab every moment but make sure to have that Dailey Branson Joe meeting r feeling r smile u need for that time. Now look I am roaming too. Keep you r journal with all the feelings you feel. Good and bad. Hey mayb we could have lunch one day. Tues or Thursday ls best for me. Heard about the quilt but have not seen a pic of it yet. Sorry I could mot celebrate yOur baby with Sunday with you. Love you so much. Seriouly call if would like to have lunch on me. Even if just eat at town lake. Love love love ya. And you have such a blessing in your mom and dad and brothers and sister. May God bless britni with the health and strength she needs to take care of her babies and to keep the love between her and her husband strong. I pray for patience between them and that they can build on your love for them. Give britni a happy story r happy thought when Branson pops intto her heart. Give her the peacefulness to know sh will never forgot all things But more good things r to come to the bRannon family. Know I am here and would love to visit one day. Calle on tues and thurs. Treats on me. Love u. Now look has rattled. Hope your heart is easy and allows to rest. Sorry I could noyb there for branson's special dayf
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