Disconnected

I've been feeling very disconnected from life lately.  Like I'm just floating through it.  I'm easily agitated, and I hate that. The kids seem to grind on my nerves and all I want to do is enjoy them, love them, cherish every single minute I have with them.  I know each minute could be their last and I want each minute to be a happy one, but it so hard when I just want silence and mourning because my heart is broken beyond repair.  I'm trying to be in the word and pray constantly for guidance and peace, but it seems right now all God is saying to me in the voice I hear is "mourn, just keep mourning...more will come when its time"  I want it to be time though...I NEED it to be time.  I need joy and happiness when all there seems to be is this heaviness on my heart and mind.  I miss him so much.  Lately its become almost like shock again, I cant believe I had a baby and he is gone.  my heart skips a beat when I think about it and its like this inbelievable thought.  How could something like that EVER happen to me? Its so horrible, yet I'm living it right now. I am sometimes thrown back to the last day I still had three earthly babies and how happy I was.  We had just been out of town for the weekend on our 5 yr anniversary trip and we came home to three beautiful babies on Sunday and everything seemed so perfect.  I was so happy and full of life and love.  I remember thinking that and I remember that feeling of fullness and happiness.  Then I remember the feeling of being all my happiness being ripped from me and feeling....empty.  Now its not as empty, it is trying to come back to this fullness, but its full of voids and my heart and mind won't let anything continue to heal right now, I'm suspended in time. Feeling this feeling between fullness and emptiness.  Void of emotion sometimes. 

So much reminds me of him, sweeping the floor, putting Kinlee to bed (I see that emptiness where his crib used to be), dropping Stetson off at school, dropping Kinlee off at the babysitter, picking them up, coming home from school/work which is when I would normally nurse him immediatly, eating dinner, covering up with my new quilt made from his clothing.  This time of year, once my favorite, now hurts because it reminds me of when he was born and then reminds me that he's gone.  I know this all seems depressive, but my emotions need release I guess and here they come out.

I drive my the old babysitters house twice a day when taking Stetson to school and then when picking him up.  It never phased me much, just seeing the house brought a pain.  But recently I've looked at it in a different light.  Thats the last place he was alive, thats the last place he was himself, all together on this earth and Branson.  I sometimes just wanna go look and see the last place he crawled, the last place he cried, the last place he ate, the last place he breathed, the last place his heart beat.  I just wanna go see the last place Branson...was the Branson I remember. 

Thats a look into my day to day thinking.  Never leaves me.  I may smile and laugh and be perfectly fine, except in the back of my mind I am probably thinking " the last time I did this Branson was______." I love you Branson Joe.  Please heal my heart.