What I hate the most..

I could go on and on about the things I hate about all of this...But what I really hate the most...

I HATE. HATE. HATE. that my children will grow up and not remember Branson.

Stetson is older and so he'll have more memories, but most of those will fade and he'll only have snippets of memories here and there about Branson.  But he will remember the most.  I am thankful for that.

Kinlee is so young that she won't remember him.  She will remember him by our memories, but not from hers.  She'll forget he ever existed in her mind.  She can see through pictures and videos, but thats it...thats all her mind will remember as she gets older.  Who we say he was.

The children I have yet to conceive will not have known him at all. They'll never know who he was or who he would have been.  How they would have gotten along, how they would have fought, how they would have connected.  They'll never know.

I hate that.

Just because I know that God has a purpose and there is a reason and so much will come of this..most of which I haven't even begun to imagine...that doesn't mean that I can't HATE that it is happening.  I do I hate that it is happening to me right now....a living nightmare. 

I'm in the process of a reading a book called " Choosing to SEE" my Mary Beth Chapman.  She's married to Steven Curtis Chapman...they lost a child also.  But in this book I came across a song that Steven Curtis Chapman wrote and I cried reading it.  It is exactly my feelings...so I will leave you with these words.

"With Hope"
Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of you smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know your goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more 
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears 
I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true 
'Cause now you're free and...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope