one month

a month ago I saw him in the morning and nursed him and clothed him and took him to the babysitter.  Said goodbye while he smiled at me behind that pacifier and I left.  Never dreamed that would be my last visual of him.  So vivid in my mind now.  Sometimes I look back and I think..."how have I gotten out of bed and functioned, breathed, eaten, walked, talked, laughed....even opened my eyes without him here" The only constant answer that I hear from myself, or God is: Because you can survive this and his life was worth more than you wallowing in your self pity"  Its true.  Branson and his life, worth so much more....definitely worth me getting out of bed and going on with my life.  What gets me through so I don't fall apart? God first, my kids and husband second.  Kinlee and Stetson continue to grow and love and be apart of my life...this new life I'm having to adjust too...this new normal.  But they are still growing and learning and being the children that God so blessed me with.  And Cody, he's held me up when I've been weak.  I have no words to describe how this has strengthened us and no words for hte love I have for this man God chose for me. Who am I do judge why he does things, who am I to decide if I can or cannot get out of bed every minute of every day.  Only he can make that decision.  Only he can change my life.  While I wait for my life to be transformed I have to at least get out of bed everyday to see where he plans on taking me.  His plans for my life are beyond my wildest dreams..

Although I always knew my life was to be lived for Christ and only him, you get caught up in life and ins and outs.  Lost along a path...you try to make it the path it should be, but its always mixed in with our wrong decisions and wrong turns.  But this...THIS... has made me realize how much more my life needs to be for him.  I'm learning and changing and go to him because right now he is the only one that can hold me up, the only one that can truly comfort me in the spot so deep down in my soul...he's the only one that can touch that pain.  I feel him...I feel him all day everyday taking control of my life...I just hope that I can be worthy of where he wants to take it.

 I was so blessed to have had Branson....I can't believe God choose Cody and I to be his parents.  WOW!  Millions of people in this word...Billions...and we were chosen.  The best gift he's given me was this short life.  I am humbled by him and that decision he made, ME! And although my heart cries with pain, my heart also sings with joy.  Crazy that a heart can do both huh? Pain for my loss and joy for having known the happiness and love that was Branson.

One month.

One month closer to seeing him again.