Every time I close my eyes I see Branson as he was at 9 months old. Thats the oldest he ever was, the oldest he will ever be. I see everything he had grown to be in his 9 months of life..I just can't seem to see who he would be today, in 5yrs, 10yrs, 25yrs.....older at all. I try to close my eyes and think real hard, but I just can't see it. I know that I won't see him at that age and the age he is in heaven is unknown to me until I arrive there. But I wish I could see him at 5yrs old about to start kindergarten. Would he have his little petite body still or would he have filled out, would he be shy or outgoing, would he love school or hate school. I just wish I could see him one month older, one yr older, one day older. Not to much to ask you'd think, but my mind just cant wrap itself around it. He wasn't 10 months old, he wasn't 5 yrs old or 18 yrs old or any other age besides 9 months old and thats all I am allowed to see him be. I pray someday that God allows my mind to see him as a young man, in a dream, in my mind. Maybe when he would have been five I'll see it then.
I also know that he was more in his 9 months that I have been in my 27 yrs....he is more than most people are in their whole life. He has changed lives that he didn't even know before his death. WOW! I am amazed by this little man. I am blessed by this little man. I may not be able to see him as an older kid or man. But I can see that his life meant as much to God as an older man. He did and continues to do God's work.
I have had one friend and two sister-in-laws give birth over the past 3.5 wks and another friend is having her baby tonight. Its been amazing to see God's beauty being reborn and the wonderful things these kids will do and get to be throughout their little lives. Its been a gift for me to see them, as if I'm seeing through new eyes. However amazing its been, its also been heart breaking and hard. Everyone is standing around holding the babies and my baby is gone. Never to be seen again on this earth. I have no baby to hold and will constantly be reminded of his absence when I see these little ones. It hurts in a new spot that hasn't been touched yet. I feel empty when I am with them. I hate that I feel that way and I love on them and see them for the beautiful blessing they are, but I also feel empty with them. I hope it changes I love these babies to the core. I hope that as times passes I will feel less empty around them and more alive. I hope Branson fills that emptiness in my heart when I am with them to see them for all the things they deserve to be seen as. I hate that the parents of these beautiful new babies have to read and know I feel this way. I hope and pray that they forgive me for feeling so empty. I love all of these girls and hope they know that I love them and each one of those babies.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment