Gets easier with time

You've all heard the saying, I'm sure, that it "gets easier with time"  When is that?!  What time?! When does it get easier?!!!  If you were to ask me I would say it gets harder before it gets easier.  It is harder now, maybe because reality has set in, maybe because time has passed without him...but everyday it seems harder to breath, harder to believe this is my life now, harder to put one foot in front of the other at times. I can say that what has gotten easier is dealing with the pain.  I am better able to manage pain on a daily basis, but then out of nowhere it hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel sucked right back to where I was the moment I found out he was gone from me and returned to his heavenly father.  I feel that deep hole and it feels like my heart is bleeding.  It is a pain so undescribable, it just aches from within.  Its paralyzing.  And then its gone almost as quickly as it came. But you never see it coming so you are never prepared for it, and since you are never prepared for it the pain lingers, like an ache for the rest of the hour or day, however long it takes you to recover from the sudden impact of pain.  The difference between 7wks ago and now, I'm less numb and more aware.  Its not so new and unthinkable.  I've lived without him now and that makes it hurt more. 

So for those that ask how am I doing...the answer is always different.  some moments I'm ok because I've learned to manage the pain, sometimes I'm crippled in my pain, sometimes I just ache, but most times even with all of these feelings I always have a feeling of peace. Not just because I know he is in heaven, but also because I know there is a purpose for my pain AND that I will see him again someday.  Thats what keeps me going, thats what pushes me through.  My other children are my life and they definitely keep me going, but like I say..the pain can be paralyzing, so in those moments I have to remember I will see BRANSON again someday so the pain tones down to an ache.  Please don't stop asking me how I am, please don't stop talking about him and please don't let my kids forget.  When people stop asking it seems as though he's forgotten and I never want him to be forgotten.  His purpose on this earth is far beyond my understanding right now.  so please share or speak of him, it doesn't hurt as bad as you think.  Its not as uncomfortable as you think.  Its happy when people speak of him, its joyous to hear memories! SHARE!