Will there be a Fall for me?

Its coming up on my favorite time of year.  Fall.  I love the cool crisp breeze, the leavings falling, there's a certain smell in the air, pumpkin spice latte's and apple cinnamon smell around the house.  The time of year I always increase my love of baking and just enjoy life.  Its full of Holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all thrown together for a big three month party session.  I'm always counting down the days until September 1st because to me that marks the beginning of fall.  Thats when the decorations can come out and I can officially go in all out fall baking mode.  I look forward to it all year and long for it to start.

This year...

This year I don't care. It could be 110, 65 or 25 outside and it wouldn't make a difference to me.  I'm not counting down the days,  I'm not excited about pumpkin spice latte's or fall decorations. The decorations probably won't even go up this year.  I am not looking forward to any of the holidays and frankly I just don't care. Everyday is a just a day to me. I'm still looking for my purpose and still trying to find the reason for all of this.  The joy has been sucked out of me.  I know that I will find joy in it, I will get caught up in moments.  Stetson and Kinlee trick or treating, opening Santa gifts or making all the crafts I've got lined up for the holidays.  But each moment and each memory will be covered by this cloud that I'm missing out on the memories of him being there.

I can't buy him a halloween shirt, or make him another thanksgiving shirt like I did last year.  No trick or treating, he never even tasted thanksgiving food, no Santa or presents...nothing for him.  Branson is gone. He won't get to enjoy his first Birthday or get to see snow or feel that cool crisp breeze as he runs around the back yard.  So my favorite time of year seems tainted now.  At least for this year it won't be as joyful as it used to be.  I'm hoping the joy returns soon, I'm hoping as fall sets in and I will find joy in it.  Maybe it will be enlightening and God will speak to me through the time I so enjoy and look forward too.  Doesn't God always do that though.  Speak to use, and mold us from our innermost being and joys and heartaches.

I know God is molding me. I can see it happening in my mind.  He keeps adding clay and changing and forming me....he put some clay on to make something beautiful, then took it away, leaving a mark..an empty spot where this clay used to be.  But it wasn't a mistake, he didn't put the clay on and then change his mind and take it off.  He did it on purpose, because when he removed this chunk of clay from the me he is molding, It left an imprint, a mark. This mark is what makes me, one of his masterpieces, beautiful.  Its what makes me unique.  It was all done on purpose, and this mark will be what shapes the rest of me.  The rest of his artwork.  This has now become the center of what I am to be designed around.  I still have chunks of clay to be added and molded and formed to me.  But this....this mark will never change and will always be there.  This is God's purpose....this is my mark.