My nighttime thoughts

I wrote this last night....but didn't post it.  Just now getting around to putting it out there :)

It's 11:30 at night.. Everyone's been asleep for a few hrs and here I am pondering.  So many thoughts, memories and ideas floating around in my head.  I love the memories because they keep him fresh in my mind, sometimes when I think on a memory if I close my eyes and let myself get lost in it, it almost feels as if he's still here and there are more memories to be made. Like I am laying right next to him and he is just sound asleep with his sweet little smell. But eventually I must open my eyes and the realization that he's gone comes once again.  The one memory I can quite grasp is that Tuesday morning when he woke at 5am to nurse.  It was early, I was tired... I didn't think it would be the last time I nursed him, so I made it through it, and we went back to sleep.  Now I can't remember the last time I nursed him.  The memory is kinda there, but not really... It's mixed in with all those other morning nursing sessions.  I can't remember that one time!  I want to so badly, but I can't.

Thoughts I have are about my past, but mostly my future.  Where do I go from here? How many more kids shall we have?  Will I know the pain of losing another child?  How will Stetson be affected by this?  I know Kinlee might be too, but she is so young the memories will fade. Stetson though, Oh I wish I could take away this pain from him, I wish I could take away the memories he has of that day, I wish he never had to know what it felt like to have a brother and lose him.  He wanted a brother soooo badly!  Will God use this terrible thing to bring people to him that may not have known him before?  Oh I can only hope it will!  I hope I can reach out to someone and show them this amazing God we have.  God doesn't cause pain for no reason...he has a plan, there is a purpose. I know I say this over and over.  Sometimes I need reminding myself, the pain is overwhelming and I need to remind myself that there is a purpose and a reason. God is in control now.  So many thoughts to sort through.

Ideas on what to do with this?  I have a few... Keeping those to myself for now, but I want to shout from the rooftops not just about my sweet baby boy Branson Joe... But about my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ who has plans for me!! " "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future!" Jeremiah 29:11  I feel like everyone should know this!  He gives and takes away...But my heart must choose to say Lord  blessed be your name.  I know without a doubt that Branson was on this earth to bring people to Christ.  In turn that will bring people to heaven! Amazing little boy he was...I hope you all get to meet him one day, on the other side of those pearly gates!