Hard month number 2 (sorry so long...it just kept coming!)

2 months.  2 months!  2 months?  How is this possible?!

He would have been 11 months old yesterday and today he's been gone two months.  This second month has been harder than the first.  Its harder to get out of bed, its harder to find a reason to smile, its harder to be kind when I'm hurting inside.  I still try and hope that I am being Christ like everyday, but sometimes I don't feel like it.  I hope you'll forgive me if I'm a little short or take time to respond to your kindness.  I cry almost everyday now, where as last month I would go days unable to cry.  I know crying is healing and it will help me heal, I don't mind the tears, the tears are welcome..almost a relief from the pain.  But the relief is temporary.  I've also had more moments this month where I forgot he was gone.  Those were the moments that hurt the most.  I would be thinking of what to make him for dinner since our dinner wasn't suitable for him to chew or swallow or I would wonder where he had crawled off to, then I realized " oh yeah he's gone, none of those things matter."  I ache for him, I hate that I do, because I know that he is in a place I cannot even begin to imagine and he is full of joy and happiness, he is happier in Heaven than he was even at his happiest moment here on earth, but I'm selfish and I want my baby back.  I know he can't come back.  Which leads to me another hard part of this all. Stetson and his pain.  He had seemed to be doing well with this all, and for the most part I think he is ( as best as you can do when you loose a sibling) But recently he's started asking if Branson is gonna come back again. The other day he said to me " If I ask God if Branson can come back when he is older can he do that? I think he can...I'm gonna ask." Then he kept right one coloring ...oh to have the faith of a child. Stetson just knew if he asked God to do it he would do it and that was that.  Cody and I had to tell Stetson that although God can do anything this was not something that was going to happen, Branson was in heaven forever now. I keeps telling me he misses him and loves him and wants to see him!  What am I supposed to do?!  I can't heal his hurt too.  I try to be strong for him, but I think letting him see me weak in some moments will let him know that it is ok to be weak, that this is a horrible thing that makes that ok.  Oh that poor boy...poor Kinlee, poor Cody ...poor me.  Poor everyone who knew him!!  I hate going through this.  Trying to find a purpose.

I am going to post two songs today that help explain my heart and mind.  I won't post the entire song, just the part that pertains to what I'm feeling...but I will put the title and artist so you can youtube it and listen to the whole thing if you choose.

"One more day" Diamond Rio

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

But I know what it would do...keep me wishing still for one more day with you. 


The other song I heard today on the way home from church.  Although I've heard it before and I liked it before..it really hits some true feelings for me and it's been on my mind ever since I heard it

"Blessings" Laura Story

 We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/laura_story/blessings.html ]
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise


ok I posted that whole song, but its the chorus that really hits me the most.  Please take the time to really read the lyrics, because music has always been a key to my heart and a way I connect not only with myself and my feelings, but its how I connect with the Lord and worship him.  When I'm singing a song to him is when I feel the closest to him.  There now you all know my secret, I'm a shower, cooking and driving singer.  Just ask my kids, they have to listen to it all the time.  I love music and how it can reach down and touch my soul. Thanks to you all and love you all.

Britni