My dark storm

It keeps inching closer and closer...feeling darker and darker...a cloud looming over head and I'm just waiting for the lightning, thunder and pouring rain.  I usually love rain/thunderstorms...but this storm I wish was a perfect fall day instead.  I would enjoy that much more.  This storm is suffocating and throbbingly painful.  This storm is the first birthday of a son who lives in heaven and it is no longer a happy celebratory event, but instead a reminder of the one thing I can never celebrate with him.  His birthday.  Everyday it inches closer to this and everyday I breath a little harder.  I'm sure the actual day will be like any other, but its not so much the actual day that is painful.  It is the time leading up to it and the idea of what it should have been.  The thoughts of who he would be today and what he would be doing.  Its the reminder that he's gone.  Sure I'm reminded of that 24/7, but this is the salt on the wound.

 I try my best to look all put together and happy..and although I am happy ( I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful earthly babies to show me happiness) I am also torn apart inside.  I have trouble finding happiness in small places anymore.  I remember just a few months ago..probably May, my coworkers telling me that it was amazing how happy I could be first thing in the morning with all that I do all the time with three kids.  It felt good to know that I showed happiness all the time.  I feel close to God right now, the veil between him and me seems thin because he is my anchor, but I also feel in a dark place. How can these two things coexist.  I feel lonely and lost and misguided.  None of this should be how I feel, but I do.  God is my only strength right now, he is the one that whispers in my ear every morning to open my eyes and get out of bed.  He whispers to me that today is a good day with a gentle breeze that feels so perfect or that rainbow someone posts on facebook for me. He whispers to smile, to laugh, to find joy.  He whispers to me all day long so I can find my peace and happiness again.  Yet still, Somedays I just want the day to be over...I just want to be done with it and go to bed.  I struggle to make it through the day, just waiting for the peace and quiet.  The time I can lay down and all my worries can be saved til tomorrow. And ,of course, in these quiet moments God speaks to me the most.  Everyday he shows me that He has a promise for me ...a life, far beyond my expectations if I could just completely give him control.  Why is this so hard?  I am at a weak, breaking point where I honestly have no choice but to give him control and I can only give it to him a little at a time.  Like I don't fully trust him.  Sounds ridiculous I know. Oh how I pray I can turn over my control to him...I want that life he has planned for me. I am constantly repeating one of my favorites verses to myself:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

There will come a day (hopefully soon) where I can post more positives.  look forward to this day....because I most certainly do.