Bunch of Brannon's

First day we've been alone as a family after the memorial.  It's harsh...real.

The memorial yesterday was beautiful, the balloon release was calming. The hardest part was seeing him at the funeral home and saying goodbye. It was so hard to leave that room. I wanted to take him with me and bring him home and act like it had never happened. I got to hold him and kiss him and love him one final time. I could feel him crawling around, with his squinched nose little smile, I know he was there with us.

I've been avoiding facing the facts, haven't gone to his room, haven't looked at his clothes really, haven't removed his diapers or baby food. I know the day will come when all these things will be done, but not today. I can't tell you how many times Ive been walking around and I looked for Kinlee and Stetson to make sure they were there, then I thought, "where did Branson go?" then I have to say oh yeah hes not here. Its hard for me to cry, I know it should be opposite but it seems the tears are behind some kind of Dam and it keeps building and building, a few will squeeze out now and again, but real body shaking out of control crying is yet to come. I cried in the hospital the most, when he was said to be officially gone, but then maybe I put up the Dam then, because its been hard to do anything since then.

God has been our strength over the past few days, without him and our family and friends we would definitely have fallen apart. Ive yelled at God "WHY US?! WHY BRANSON?! HE WAS SO HAPPY!!" I was mad a God, but only for a minute, then I was calmed by God. He sent a song to me that hit straight to my heart. In the hospital while I was holding Branson before they came to take him to the Medical Examiner for the autopsy the song "It Is Well" was playing over and over and over in my head, like it was one repeat. It calmed me and helped me pull myself together. We've read lots of scripture and although we know he is in heaven and we are being selfish, we still want him back. It hurts, unfathomable pain...

This was read at his memorial and describes us perfectly.

Lamentations 3: 17-26

"My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hoped for from the Lord.
The thought of my homeless poverty
is wormwood and gall.
Remembering it over and over
leaves my soul downcast within me.
But I will call this to my mind as my reason to have hope
The favors of the Lord are not exhausted
his mercies are not spent
They are renewed each morning
so great is his faithfulness
My portion is the Lord, says my soul,
therefore I will hope in him.

Good is the Lord to one who waits for him
to the soul that seeks him
It is good to hope is silence
For the saving help of the Lord."