Hard day

Its been a hard day today.  I have alot of memories just flying through my mind.  One that is very vivid is Tuesday morning when Branson woke up about 5am.  I remember waking in my half asleep stupor and walking to his room and the picture of him standing at the end of his crib crying and looking at me is just imprinted in my mind.  Oh I wish I could see that one more time. I also vividly remember telling him goodbye Tuesday when I dropped him off at the sitter.  I'm glad I always told each of my kids goodbye because I always feared something would happen.

I just have a heavy feeling on my heart today.  The shock must be wearing off and the reality sinking in.  Its hard to breathe sometimes I miss him so much, I miss everything about that sweet little boy. Tears come more frequently and sadness is numbing.  I'm completely lost in this path I'm trying to follow. Its like I'm trying to follow this path that I've never been down before and night has fallen and I can't see my way and panic sets in because its so unfamiliar.  I'm looking into some grief groups that meet around us, its hard trying to get the courage to go to one though.  I wish I had never had this path pushed upon me.  I wish I was holding my sweet baby boy.