Good Grief..

Grief is exhausting.  You begin to fear the hard moments.  Its all encompassing.  You go about your business as best you can everyday, and as each minute passes you get anxious about that next moment that you fall apart.  The pain builds up and presses at you, you can feel it, right there...just getting tighter and tighter.  Until, that moment...that moment that it bursts. At that moment it is all encompassing, overwhelming...it engulfs you.  You feel every ounce of pain you've been building up since the last burst.  It knocks you to the ground. Whether its been 10 min, 12 hrs, 24 hrs, 48 hrs...its powerful.  Then as it subsides you feel the pressure gone, although its already starting to build again, then after this "relief"/release you just feel exhausted.  Then the fear hits again.  "When will it come again...can I hold it back a little longer, Its so exhausting."  On top of all that is the talking to everyone about it all the time. Not that you don't want to...its a memory, good or bad, a memory.  Its just that its exhausting too. Don't get me wrong I don't want anyone to stop asking or speaking about what they want to say or feel...just saying that this adds to the exhaustion.  Grief...so exhausting.

Today we were able to return our sweet baby boy home.  We received his ashes and put them in his special made urn.  And oddly once we were in the car I felt like a little piece of my heart was back where it belonged.  Knowing he would be with me from now on was calming and safe.  Its also, almost a new type of pain tonight though.  I guess when that piece of my heart was placed back, it has to heal around it to make it part of my heart again because although he's always been there this piece of my heart has been altered and isn't the same as it used to be.  Its bigger and jagged and smooth and strong and weak, its everything Ive felt or missed since he passed.  Ive felt him in everything I've done tonight.  Cooking dinner, reading the kids a book, playing with the kids before bed, putting the kids in bed....even right now I can feel him an overwhelming amount.  He's right here with me, in my heart.  Its starting to heal.  What this sweet boy can do...